


Knight in Sooty Armor

by Graendoll



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drug Use, F/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Past Sexual Abuse, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-07-15 18:48:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 45,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16069115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Graendoll/pseuds/Graendoll
Summary: Ben rescues twelve year old Rey from a fire. When she returns at sixteen they form an unlikely friendship.Author's Note: No underage, non-con, dub-con between primary pairing, hence the lack of archive warnings.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Things of note:
> 
> The subject matter of this fic is dark, but this is not a ‘dark fic’. No underage or dub/non-con between our primary pairing, hence the lack of archive warnings.
> 
> Discussion of child abuse, sexual abuse, alcohol abuse, drug use and abuse and overall bad coping mechanisms.
> 
> Also, a lot of swearing.

Ben listened to the sound of his own breathing through the respirator as he climbed the stairs to the second floor of the building. The full face mask attached to his tank was filled with humid air, and he forced himself to focus on the staircase in front of him instead of the slightly suffocating dampness he kept inhaling. It would do no one any good if he went into a panic because he felt like he couldn’t breath.

The blaze they were trying to get a handle on had started on the ground level, towards the back of the large building, but the smoke was filling up the second story and the heat from the flames was rising as well. He had been sent up with his partner to look for hot spots and find the single remaining resident of the group home. As he got to the second story landing, he could feel the heat growing, permeating his heavy fire resistant suit. Looking behind him, he called out to his partner. 

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” he said, his voice sounding eerily like Darth Vader through the respirator.

The other man just nodded his agreement.

Ben took a left to go down the hallway, his eyes settling on a slow drift of smoke coming out from underneath the door. He stopped to watch it swirl, trying to ascertain whether it was going to flare up into actual flames, or result in something more deadly. 

His axe in hand, he approached the door with caution, keeping his eyes on the cloud of smoke. He stood to the side, and stretched his arm across the door. The heat could be felt through his heavy gloves and he grimaced. The smoke coming out from underneath the door was suddenly sucked back in a swoosh and Ben quickly removed his hand before turning his back to the door, narrowly missing getting caught in the sudden burst of flame.

The fire had obviously moved from the lower level to the second story.

“Poe, get over here!”

His partner turned around and came back to help Ben clear the door and search the room. The fire had spread to the upper floor on the outer wall of the building so each door they approached was treated with similar caution in the long industrial hallway. The building was a group home for foster children and the majority of them had been outside on the lawn when the trucks had arrived. Ben, however had been pulled aside by a hysterical kid screaming something about his friend who was, apparently, unaccounted for. So the chief had sent a four man team in to look for the missing kid, with Ben and Poe assigned to the upper level.

The temperature continued to rise on the second story and Ben exchanged a look with Poe as the two men increased their pace. The building groaned and they still had two doors to check. Poe’s radio squawked and Ben swung his axe into the remaining door in the hallway, focused on what he was doing while he let Poe talk to command and give them an update on the status. The last room at the end of the hall was furthest from the source of the fire, and while smoke billowed out of the holes Ben pounded into the door in front of him, no flames were licking at the wood. The door splintered and collapsed under his onslaught and Ben stepped over the remaining wood, glancing through the smoke. He palmed the light attached to his chest and ran the spot over the room looking for any signs of life.

He heard another groan as the building shifted again and as he turned his light showed Poe’s silhouette in the hallway.

“We need to move, Solo.”

Ben waved his hand at his partner. He knew the kid was in here somewhere. His gut was screaming at him telling him the kid was close. Scanning the room with his searchlight again, he paused when he saw it glint over something metal. Eyes narrowing, he moved closer and felt his anger surge when he realized what he was looking at. There was a fucking padlock on the closet door. He strode quickly across the room and knelt down, the soft sound of a child sobbing coming through the door.

“Son of a bitch,” he muttered. He glanced around the room, decided the smoke wasn’t that bad, and took a risk. He pulled his respirator off and knocked on the door.

“Someone in there?”

He heard shuffling and someone pounded on the wood. “Get me out, please.”

Ben swore under his breath. The voice on the other side of the door belonged to a kid. Someone had locked a fucking kid in the closet. He stood up and moved towards Poe so he could radio down to the ground and have them set up a ladder truck. Before he took more than two steps a loud knock and a panicked voice stopped him.

“Please don’t leave me!”

He leaned towards the door, “I’ll come back sweetheart, I promise.” Moving quickly, he poked his head into the hallway and and yelled for his partner who was sweeping the next room.

“Dameron, radio down to the ground. I found the kid, we need a ladder.”

A muffled “Roger that” came back from the hallway and Ben turned back to the locked closet, squatting down again to talk through the door, trying to get under the smoke.

“You still with me, kiddo?”

“Yeah.”

“I need to break the lock, can you move away from the door for me?”

“Yes, okay.”

He put his respirator back on as he stood, and swung his axe once, quickly, breaking the lock. He pulled the door open and the girl, who looked no older than twelve, scrambled out of the closet and clung to his leg. The sounds of the ladder truck extending the rescue ladder up to the window distracted him for a moment, but then he leaned down and helped her stand. She was skinny, and her eyes were as big as sauces in her freckled face, but a brief glance indicated she was mostly unharmed.

“Stay here, I’m going to make us an exit, okay?” The respirator gave him the Vader voice, but the kid just nodded and chewed her fingernails.

Moving over to the window he used his axe to break the glass and waved to the truck below. The ladder was nearly fully extended, and there was another one of his crew making her way up to meet them.

He turned around and held out his hand. “Come on, kid.”

It took a minute to get her out the window and into Phasma’s arms, and by the time they were safely on their way down, Poe had joined him at the window.

“Chief says it’s mostly out at this point, and that’s the last resident.”

Ben ripped off his respirator, the air from outside having cleared the smoke, and began securing his equipment to his belt in preparation for going down the ladder. He narrowed his eyes at his partner. 

“Someone locked that girl in a closet. Who the hell is in charge here?”

 

******

 

Rey let the nice blonde lady help her down off the truck before scanning the crowd to find her friend. She was cold and shaking and she just wanted to see Finn and make sure he was okay. The firewoman was talking to her but she bit her lip and nodded instead of listening until - There he was!

“Finn!” Her voice sounded funny to her ears, but she didn’t think much about it. She started running to her friend then paused, remembering her manners, and yelled over her shoulder. “Thanks for helping me with the ladder.” Before the nice blonde lady could say anything in return, Rey was running across the wet grass again to where her friend was standing.

“Rey!” The boy hugged her and Rey closed her eyes. She was so glad Finn was safe, her throat burned and her eyes started watering. She hated crying, but it was dark out so she didn’t think anyone could see her, which made her feel better. She tried never to cry in front of other people.

Her eyes opened when she heard shouting, and she pulled herself out of her friend’s embrace to watch the exchange between a fireman and a police officer. 

The fireman seemed upset, and when Rey understood what he was talking about she grabbed Finn’s hand.

“What kind of death trap is this? Someone locked one of these kids in a closet and the only reason we knew she was missing is because one of the other kids mentioned a friend!” The fireman swept his gaze across the small crowd of people and landed on her. He threw his hands up. “She isn’t even being seen by a fucking paramedic!”

Rey swallowed around the soreness in her throat. She recognized that voice. It was the man who got her out. Her grip on Finn’s hand tightened as the big fireman walked over to her. He was really, really tall and seemed angry and she was tired of getting in trouble today.

He knelt down and didn’t seem mad at her but she figured she should thank him or something, so she did. “Thanks.”

He frowned at her. “Does your throat hurt, sweetheart?”

She nodded. “Yeah, a little.” He stood abruptly and yelled for a paramedic and then lots of things happened really quickly. Rey sort of zoned out like she always did when things overwhelmed her. She held on to Finn’s hand, trusting him to keep her safe, and before she knew it she was in the back of an ambulance with one of those weird masks over her face. They wouldn’t let Finn come with her, and she struggled until one of the paramedics made some shushing noises and gave her something to calm down. 

Rey didn’t remember her ride in the ambulance after that.

 

******

 

“Where the fuck is the person in charge?” Ben was ranting and Poe grabbed his shoulder in an effort to restrain him. He turned around to keep arguing with the uniformed officer, but Poe held him back.

“Let it go, Solo. The police are doing a full investigation based on what you told the chief, and they already took the guy that runs this place into custody and alerted the state.”

Ben dragged his fingers through his hair in an effort to calm down. The combination of adrenaline from the fire and his own childhood demons was ratcheting up his anxiety to a point where he felt ready to burst. His hands were shaking and he knew he needed to chill out, but he kept thinking ‘what if they hadn’t found her’? The image of a panicked little girl locked in a closet while the building burned down around her was playing like a loop in his head. He knew what it was like to be trapped, unable to save yourself, and no matter what he did he couldn’t help but find himself relating to the terror he imagined she had been feeling. He drew in a shaky breath and shrugged off Poe’s hand. 

He hated being touched when he felt like this.

“I need a drink. You coming?”

Poe nodded and waved in the crew. They had to go back to the station and put up their kits before they could call it a night, so Ben walked quickly back to the truck and took off the heavy jacket and his headgear. Phasma came up behind him and slapped his shoulder while he was stripping himself of his tanks.

“Good save tonight.”

Ben looked over his shoulder and huffed, annoyed by her casual touch and her optimism. “Why the fuck didn’t you get her to EMS, Phas?”

The woman’s expression immediately shifted from friendly to angry. She glared at him and was his height so she had the added ability to make it feel like she was looking her nose down at him, not something everyone could do. 

“She ran off before I even got her off the ladder, Solo. She got seen, right?”

He grumbled his acknowledgment and her expression softened a bit. 

“She’ll be fine, Ben. Good save.”

The crew made quick work of the clean up and an hour and a half later, Ben was sitting in a booth at the local bar, nursing his fourth beer while Poe regaled the group with another story about his first fire. He’d heard the story so many damn times he zoned out. His mood had mellowed a bit with the alcohol, but he still had a jittery, ungrounded feeling and it wasn’t going away anytime soon. He usually loved the surge of adrenaline that came with walking into a burning building, but his experience with the kid tonight had rattled him and he couldn’t shake it.

No one knew what had happened to him as a kid, and no one needed to because it was his own goddamned business. But every once in a while it snuck up on him; the dark panic, the sense of absolute helplessness and hysteria. Tonight was one of those nights. He downed the rest of his pint and slid out of the booth, making his way across the bar to the bathrooms, needing to piss and get away from Dameron’s joviality.

He was halfway there when a warm female body impeded his progress. He looked down at the woman in front of him, and she grinned up at him while she dragged a fingernail down his chest. 

“Heya, big guy.”

His mouth twisted into a smirk, realizing he’d been handed the perfect stress relief on a platter. Some of the women who hung out at this bar, located a block from the station, were fireman groupies and the woman before him was definitely giving off that vibe. His hand grabbed hers before she made her way below his belt. 

“Come with me,” he whispered, ignoring the spike of irritation he felt at her giggle of acquiescence.

Ben flung the door open to the bathroom and dragged his companion in behind him before locking the door. He turned around and started to undo his belt, ready to bend her over the sink, but apparently she had other ideas. 

The girl, they hadn’t exchanged names, licked her lips and slid one of the straps of her tank top down, then got on her knees in front of him. He swallowed, surprised, and leaned back against the counter while she lowered his fly. He’d never had a woman on her knees in front of him, but he was drunk enough to give it a try. Ignoring the alarm bells that went off in his head, he stood frozen while she pulled his dick out of his pants.

Ben groaned as she took him into her mouth, trying to focus on how it felt instead of how he felt about what was going on. He grabbed her hair with one hand and the countertop behind with the other while she went to work on him. Willing himself to let go and enjoy the sensation of her mouth on his cock instead of the residual anxiety coursing through his veins took some effort. He was almost there when a loud knock on the door startled her out of her rhythm, and forced her to release him with a pop.

“It’s fucking occupied, asshole,” she shouted.

Poe’s chuckle came from the other side of the door. “We’re leaving Solo. Hurry up and finish getting your dick sucked so we can take off.”

“Fuck.” He pulled the blond off him and stuffed himself back into his pants. She wiped her mouth and looked up at him, annoyed. But he just zipped up and stepped around her, unlocking the door and leaving the bathroom, adjusting his half hard cock as he walked out of the bar. 

He told himself that the reason he puked his guts out twenty minutes later was because of the alcohol, not because his escapade in the bar with the nameless blonde had brought on such strong flashbacks of Snoke holding him down that he forgot where he was. 

He was fucking ruined and he knew it.

 

******

 

Rey was scared. They hadn’t let Finn come with her to the hospital, and she was in a room in a strange nightgown. Some nurse had put in an IV and then given her a mask with warm air coming through it and told her she needed to stay overnight for observation, whatever that meant.

She had a TV in her room, at least, and she moved lazily through the channels with the remote while her other hand plucked at the lose thread on her blanket. She was bored, and missed Finn, and didn’t feel sleepy because her body was humming with energy. She felt this way sometimes after stressful things happened, and it made it hard to sleep. When she was at the group home, she would usually go to her room and count. Curling up into a ball on her bed, she’d count as high as she could until she forgot whatever it was that had sent her there in the first place. That didn’t seem to be helping now.

A nurse came in and Rey chewed on her lip as the woman carefully took the mask off her face. 

“How you feeling, sweetie?” she asked with a voice full of concern.

“Okay. Where’s Finn?”

“Is that your friend?”

Rey nodded and was about to answer when a strange man stepped into the room. She swallowed her answer instead. He had a badge on his belt, identifying him as a cop. Cops only came when someone was in trouble. Was she in trouble? 

The nurse caught her expression and looked over her shoulder, then turned back to Rey with a smile. 

“Detective Morrisey just wants to ask you a few questions, sweetheart. No one’s in trouble, okay?”

“Okay.” Rey nodded. She continued to pluck at the blanket with her fingers, but tried not to frown. She didn’t want the cop to think she was scared. He looked nice, though, since he smiled when he approached her bed.

“I understand you had quite the night, huh, kiddo?” He smiled and his voice seemed friendly.

“I guess.”

He smiled at her again and Rey decided he was nice. 

“I heard someone say a fireman rescued you. That you were locked in a closet. Is that true?”

Rey looked down at her lap and made a face. “I guess.”

“How’d you end up locked in that closet, kiddo?”

Rey just shrugged and picked harder at the blanket. She didn’t want to tell the cop what she’d done to get in trouble. She didn’t want to get in more trouble.

“Who put you in the closet, sweetie?”

“Hux,” She mumbled.

The cop took out a pen and a notepad. “Brendol Hux?”

Rey shrugged again. She never knew his first name. He was always just Mr. Hux. The cop asked her some more questions and she ended up telling him how she’d kicked Hux’s son in the shin and punched him in the jaw because she found him beating up one of the younger kids. And how he told his dad and then she’d been locked in the closet without dinner.

“Does that happen a lot?”

She nodded. “I’m a troublemaker.”

The cop just smiled at her and put his pen and notepad back in the breast pocket of his jacket. “You get better, kiddo, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Rey watched the cop talk briefly to the nurse and they both glanced back at her while she chewed on her lip and picked up the remote. The nurse had her put her mask back on and Rey started flipping through the channels on the TV again. It wasn’t long before her eyelids got heavy and the remote slipped out of her hands, her body finally succumbing to exhaustion.

 

******

 

The group home was not reopened after the fire and Rey was placed in a foster home when she was released from the hospital. The new family was weird and she didn’t like them. Mr. Plutt was fat and mean and smelled vaguely of salami, and his wife was too skinny, chain smoked, and always had a Diet Coke in her hand.

She missed Finn. 

The nurse in the hospital had been nice enough to let the social worker know she’d been asking about him, and she was told he’d also been placed in a foster situation. But he was on the other side of the city. The lady from child protective services said she would try to arrange a time for them to see each other, but Rey wasn’t sure she believed her.

There was going to be a trial for Mr. Hux regarding her confinement, which Rey guessed was a fancy word for being locked in a closet. The social worker took her to the courthouse a few times so she could be interviewed by the lawyers and talk to the police again. The nice cop was there the first time and she smiled at him. 

The second time Mr. Hux was there and Rey chewed on her lip and picked at her fingernails while she waited for the lawyers to be finished with him before talking to her. He glared at her and she stuck her tongue out at him before the police officer took him away. 

The last time she went to the courthouse was for the trial. She was really nervous because Mrs. Plutt had made her clean the entire living room and then vacuum and Mr. Plutt had yelled at her all morning for being slow. Because of all that, she wasn’t ready when the social worker came to pick her up so instead of wearing her court dress she was just in dirty jeans and ratty tennis shoes. She hated it because everyone else looked so pretty and she just looked like a foster kid.

But then the fireman showed up. The one who rescued her. And he winked at her and sat down where she could see him. And she felt like maybe this wouldn’t be so terrible, because he had known. He had known she was in that closet and he’d rescued her from the fire, and maybe Hux really wouldn’t be able to bother her anymore. 

When he was done talking to the judge, he knelt down by her and told her if she ever needed anything to come to the firehouse. 

And then she smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sixteen year old Rey looks up “fireman guy” and asks him to help her with a simple favor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non graphic description of drug use and mention of anti-gay sentiment.

[](http://s19.photobucket.com/user/sheeboobles/media/B6439468-3C72-4D29-AFA6-2839DD5E0CC7.png.html)

4 years later

 

Rey walked up to the front of the fire station, her steps slowing as she approached the large brick building. The big garage door was open, and she could see several firemen and women loitering around the big trucks. Some were cleaning, some just relaxing. None of them looked right, though. 

Maybe this was a stupid idea. Rey chewed on her lip, a nervous habit she’d developed, and almost turned around right then, which annoyed her. She was a fighter, damnit. There was no reason for her to be afraid or chicken out. This was important. Important and it was the only thing she could think of to help Finn. She stood up a little straighter and walked up to the open bay. She could do this for Finn.

The commotion of the place allowed her to slip in to the engine bay without being noticed at first and she took the opportunity to look around. She didn’t see who she was looking for and was briefly overwhelmed by a panicked thought. What if he wasn’t here? What if he’d died? Changed jobs? 

Before her anxiety could spiral further someone noticed her. 

“Can I help you, miss?”

Rey almost snorted aloud at being called miss. She was a punk ass teenager who scavenged from scrap yards and spent most of her days on the streets avoiding her guardian. No one called her miss, ever. Apparently firefighters were more polite than most people. Rey put on her best tough guy persona, daring the young man to mock her. He may have called her miss but no one was that nice for no reason. 

“I’m looking for someone. He used to work here.”

The guy, boy really, Rey thought as he approached, just smiled at her. “Sure, who you looking for?”

Shit, Rey thought. She really needed to plan better. She’d referred to her savior as “fireman guy” for so long she’d forgotten his name.

“Um...big guy. With dark hair and...I don’t know his name, actually, but he said I could find him here.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stared impatiently at the frowning man in front of her. While she was usually a very patient person, she was on a pretty strict time clock at the moment and couldn’t wait for the young guy talking to her to make up his mind about whatever was bothering him.

“Well? Is he here or not?”

The man swore under his breath and tossed a rag. “Give me a minute. You can wait out here.” 

He gestured to a bench while Rey tried to figure out why he went from grinning like an idiot to frowning in the span of a heartbeat. She walked over to the bench and took a seat, criss cross applesauce, and proceeded to play with the frayed edges of her converse. Her black nail polish was chipped, but she didn’t really care. Her fingernails never grew to be very long anyway, so it didn’t matter if her polish wasn’t perfect.

Bored with destroying her shoe, Rey looked around at the fire station. There were two big trucks, with ladders and lots of hoses on them parked in the bay, and a bunch of lockers around the edges with names on them. She started reading them and realized they must be nicknames because honestly, who would name their kid “Chrome Dome” or “Kylo”? When one of the firemen walked through a swinging door, she caught a glimpse of another room that looked more like a living area with a couch and a television. It was all very busy and seemed to be full of life and Rey felt a surge of envy. 

Her house sucked.

She glanced up at the wall and took note of the time. 3:25. She had until about 5:00 before Plutt noticed she was late. Hopefully this didn’t take that long.

******

“Wake up, you fucking sicko.”

Ben rolled over on the cot he’d claimed when he crashed last night after the shift and looked up at Mitaka. “Who pissed in your Cheerios?”

Mitaka just rolled his eyes. “Some girl is here to see you.”

“What girl?” Ben sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and stifled a yawn.

“I dunno. She doesn’t even know your name and she looks about twelve. You’re a fucking pervert, you know that?”

Standing, Ben glared at the shorter man and reached down for his clothes, then stepped into the pants he’d discarded last night. It wasn’t entirely unheard of for women to show up looking for him at the station, but it usually didn’t happen during daylight hours. 

“Jealousy doesn’t become you, newbie.” He shrugged into his shirt. “Where is she?”

“She’s downstairs in the engine bay.”

Ben brushed past Mitaka and jogged down the stairs, slowing as he walked through the living room slash dining room slash kitchen that made up the first floor of the firehouse. The overnight shifts and on call days made it easier to tolerate if they had a fully stocked fridge and a TV to watch. He pushed open the swinging door that exited into the truck bay and saw a girl sitting on the bench next to one of the sets of lockers. The concrete of the floor was cool against his feet because he didn’t think to put on shoes, but he barely registered the discomfort. He was much more focused on the girl.

As he approached it became more and more obvious that this wasn’t some one night stand back for more. She was definitely a teenager. And familiar. Why the hell did she look familiar? He slowed his approach as she unwrapped herself from her seated position and stood. She looked like your typical fifteen or sixteen year old. Ratty converse, baggy shorts, hair done in some weird three bun thing that looked like an attempt at punk rock, and way too much black eyeliner.

“You looking for someone, kid?”

She turned to face him then, and she gave him the once over, an odd look of relief on her face. 

“You said if I needed anything I could find you here.”

The memory tickling in the back of his mind clarified, and recognition jolted him. “It is you.” He took a step closer to her. “Rey, right?”

She twisted the cuff of her hoodie in her hand and chewed on her lip. “Can we talk outside?”

“Yeah, sure. Come on.” He placed a hand on her shoulder and started to lead her out into the sunlit sidewalk that ran in front of the fire station. Someone from inside yelled out something about jail bait. He assumed it was Mitaka and was about to tell the asshole to fuck right off when Rey beat him to it.

She threw him the bird, yelling “Eat shit” as she picked up her pace and walked out into the sun. Ben followed behind and made an effort not to grin at her language.

Turning towards him, she looked up and he stifled his smile. Jesus her eyes made her look about forty. What kind of kid had the eyes of a cynical adult? He wondered if her life had gotten better or worse since he found her in that closet. Based on the expression in her hazel gaze, her general appearance, and the fact that she was looking him up four years later spoke volumes and inclined him to believe it was the latter. He ran his hand through his hair, all amusement gone.

“What’s your name?” she asked, almost shyly.

He considered his answer for a minute. “Ben. Ben Solo.”

She chewed her lip. “You really gonna help me?”

Ben looked back into the fire station, pursing his lips. Thinking back, he vaguely remembered telling the girl if she needed anything she could find him here. He’d said it on a whim, not ever expecting a twelve year old to come looking for him. In a way he supposed he’d been right to think that, because she hadn’t come looking when she was twelve. She’d waited four years. 

This wasn’t going to be good. 

He put his hands in his pockets before responding. 

“What do you need, kid?”

He thought he saw relief cross her face. “My friend. He’s-” She paused like she was trying to find a word. “He’s in a situation and I can’t get him out of it. But you probably can. So will you help?”

Ben didn’t like the sound of that. “A situation?”

She looked over his shoulder and answered without making eye contact. “Yeah. Listen I need to be home by five.” Her gaze swung back to his and he was struck again by how ancient her eyes were. “Can you help or not?”

“Listen kid, you’re gonna have to give me a little more to go on, okay?”

She looked down at her feet and gave a little huff of annoyance. 

“Okay, fine. He met a guy. An older guy.” She looked at him. “Like old, old. Not old like you.” He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He was twenty five, for Christ’s sake. “Anyway. They started dating”—she made air quotes with her hand—“and he got my friend into drugs. And he’s at a house all fucked up and he’s too heavy for me to move.”

Ben took in what she said, like it was nothing out of the ordinary to her that her friend apparently met some old pervert who got him so hooked on drugs he was now in some flop house. Black tendrils of panic began to dance across Ben’s chest and he swallowed, shoving down the memories. Images of Snoke flashed through his mind kicking up his heart rate. He needed to get a grip. 

“So you need me to go get your friend?”

“Yeah. I remembered thinking you’d be big enough to carry him.”

“Jesus...” Ben ran a hand through his hair again and glanced over his shoulder at the clock. 3:42. That didn’t give them a lot of time if she had to be home by 5. This was a bad idea. If anything, this would teach him never to promise anything to anyone again. He narrowed his gaze at her.

“Where exactly is your friend?”

She gave him an address that was on the other side of town and he grimaced. It was at least a thirty minute drive. “You know I’m on call, right?”

“I don’t know what that means.”

He resisted the urge to shake her, but just barely. “It means I have a job. Work? If some moron forgets their toast and lights their kitchen on fire, I have to be here.”

She poked his chest surprisingly hard. “You promised.”

Four years ago! he screamed internally. He took in her determined expression, the fierce look on her face and realized she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. So out loud he said something else. 

“Give me ten minutes.”

She crossed her arms and he saw a satisfied smile cross her face, which made him roll his eyes because it reminded him of something he would have done. Smirked in victory. 

Leaving her on the sidewalk, he turned and walked back into the firehouse, running back up the stairs he’d just come down, and returning to the bunk area to finish getting dressed. Mitaka was sitting at the table with Poe, and they stopped talking when he came in. They stared at him, but Ben ignored them and sat briefly to put on his socks and boots, then reached up to pull his jacket off the hook on the wall.

“Who’s the girl?” It was Poe who’d asked the question. 

Without making eye contact Ben answered, “Cousin.” 

Poe knew damn well he didn’t have any family he spoke to, but Mitaka didn’t need to be brought into that loop. 

“Right.” Mitaka snorted. “Distant cousin with no recollection of your name.”

Ben stood and looked over at him, not liking what the younger man was implying. 

“She’s a kid, man.”

“She’s fucking jail bait.”

Ben lost it and in two steps had reached out for the smaller guy and lifted him up by his collar. 

“She’s a fucking kid!” 

He glared into the other man’s eyes, daring him to say something, and Mitaka just swallowed. 

“You don’t even know me.” He threw Mitaka back into his chair, avoiding eye contact with Poe, who was watching the interaction silently. Poe knew him, knew what had happened to him. Of all the people here, Poe should know he’d never touch a kid.

Ever.

“I’m taking her home. I’ll be back by 5.” 

She was waiting for him in the same spot when he got back downstairs, tugging at her sleeves and staring off into space.

“Okay, kid, lets go.”

“You got a car?”

He started walking, not waiting for her to catch up. “No, we’re taking a unicycle.”

“You’re hilarious.”

He stopped abruptly and turned around. “How old are you?”

Her eyes narrowed. “Why, you a creep?” 

He cocked an eyebrow at her. 

“Sixteen.”

Ben continued walked. “How old is your friend?” 

“Finn turned seventeen yesterday. He’s celebrating.”

Well that was fucking depressing. He unlocked his truck and she slid into the passenger seat while he started the ignition. 

“Put on your seatbelt.”

“Okay, Dad.”

That was the second time in a half an hour she’d called him old. He looked at her before pulling out into the street. “You know I’m only twenty five. Not old enough to be your dad.”

“You’re still old.”

******

Rey directed him to the address of the party house Finn was at. She was glad he’d agreed to help her out because she didn’t want to call the cops and bust up the party just to get Finn out of there. But he’d been partying since yesterday afternoon and had refused to leave with her that morning, and frankly she was over it. She’d gone to school, knowing it was hopeless at that point, and came up with the plan to have fireman guy, Ben she reminded herself, help her. It was a long shot but had appeared to pay off.

She’d walked to the fire station after her last class, constructing her argument. She’d expected him to take a lot of convincing. The walk had taken her nearly an hour and she had almost got lost once, which allowed for a lot of time to gather her facts. Rey had memorized the address of his fire station when she was twelve, but this was the first time she felt like she actually needed to use it. 

There had been a few months after the trial that she thought she’d leave the Plutts and make fireman guy take her. He’d been so nice and her twelve year old self wanted him to be her big brother. But when she mentioned it to her caseworker, the sour faced woman had made it clear that was never going to happen. She’d explained to Rey that foster parents had to get registered and CPS would probably never let a single guy take a girl her age. Rey understood the implication and knew her caseworker was wrong about him, but she’d never brought it up again.

Still, though, she had memorized the address. She may have given up her dream of having the family she wanted, but she never forgot his promise to help her. And so what if she was stuck with the Plutts? All she had to do was wait it out. 

She’d be free. Someday.

Until then she needed to keep her head down and avoid trouble. Something she clearly wasn’t very good at given her current circumstances.

Rey looked at the man driving her to their destination. The fireman, Ben, didn’t say much on the drive over and Rey wasn’t sure what to do about that. Most people weren’t comfortable with silence.

Rey wasn’t really comfortable with silence, truth be told. It reminded her of her solitude. Not to mention the fact that she didn’t trust quiet people. They were usually calculating and thinking and in her experience that was never good. Add to that the fact that the quiet man next to her was a virtual stranger and her anxiety started to take over. That was not acceptable. Rey needed to remain in control for Finn. To that end, she turned the radio on and scanned through the stations until she found something hard and fast. She turned it up really loud to see what he’d do, but he just glanced at her and kept driving while she tried to figure out what, exactly, his deal was. 

She side eyed him—his hair was messy and too long, his profile mostly nose, but his face seemed calm and he tapped his finger on his steering wheel to the rhythm of the music. He also seemed genuinely willing to help her, which made her immediately suspicious. No one just dropped everything to help a complete stranger. She’d asked if he was a creep, and he hadn’t technically answered her. 

So there was that.

But he hadn’t done anything yet to give her a weird vibe, so maybe he was just the type to swoop in and play white knight. He was, after all, a fireman. It was kind of his job to rescue people.

Rey realized they were almost there and stopped her train of thought, pointing at the white house up the street. 

“It’s that one with the big tree.”

He parked the truck and turned the car and the radio off. She was halfway out the door before he grabbed her wrist, causing her to yank her arm out of his grip and glare at him. 

“You said you weren’t a creep.”

“A, no I didn’t. And B, we need a plan.”

She sat back down with a huff. “I open the door, find Finn, you drag him back here, we go home.”

He ran his hand through his hair and looked at her with an irritated expression on his face. “We can’t just walk into someone’s house in broad daylight.”

“Sure we can. Trust me.” She hopped out of the truck and slammed the door, leaving him to scramble after her. Loud music was coming out of the house, muffled only slightly by the structure itself, and Rey ran up the porch steps and opened the door before surly fireman guy could catch up to her.

She stepped over some passed out blonde and made her way to the back of the house where the stairs were, heading up to the second floor. She’d picked Finn up from this place more than once and was very familiar with the layout. Checking behind her to make sure Ben Solo, fireman extraordinaire was still following her, she took the stairs two at a time. Based on her brief glance at him, he appeared to be assessing the status of the house, probably to check for fire hazards. The thought made her snort in amusement.

The upper floor of the house had three bedrooms, each of which was typically hosting a different “experience.” Finn had been using for about four months and was always in the same room, in the same corner. She stood in the doorway, waiting for Ben to catch up, while she stared at her friend, sadness forcing her mouth into a frown.

She’d known Finn for years and they’d managed to keep in touch even through the disorganized mess that was child welfare services. Finn had been in the same foster home for a while, forced into an almost militant, cult like existence. Military corners not he sheets, no music or dancing. At times it made the Plutt look downright normal. His uptight foster family had tried to pray away the gay, but instead had ended up pushing Finn into the arms of the predator who’d gotten him hooked on heroine. Unfortunately, the minute Finn had tasted freedom in the form of his older gentleman friend, he’d gone off the rails. 

Rey was snapped out of her memories by the sound of fireman guy coming up behind her. She crossed her arms over her chest as he approached and could feel him move behind her, body heat radiating off his massive form. He made a noise kind of like a sigh combined with a groan. 

“What the hell is this place, Rey?”

She just shrugged. Wasn’t it obvious? This is where people like Finn came to get high. Not feeling like explaining the situation to some uptight fireman who probably grew up in the suburbs with a perfect family, Rey pointed at her friend.

“He’s there, in the corner. Come on, I need you to help me get him down the stairs.” She walked over a few prone figures before she knelt down by Finn. 

“Finn, wake up.” She slapped him. Hard. 

“Whutdafuk.” Finn rolled his eyes open and then closed, clearly out for the count. He could be a real pain in her ass when he was using.

She looked up at Ben. “You get him up and we can walk him down together, yeah?”

Ben looked down at her, then at Finn. “I got him. Just move.”

Rey backed up and watched Ben hoist the younger man up and throw him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. He gestured for her to go first with his free hand and Rey couldn’t help but be impressed with his strength. Finn wasn’t small, but Ben was bigger and probably did this kind of shit a lot. Although she suspected that usually stuff was on fire and the people he rescued wanted to be saved.

She led the way down the stairs, dancing briefly with some junkie who couldn’t decide if he wanted to go left or right, before making her way outside and back towards Ben’s truck. He threw her the keys and she unlocked it, then slid into the center seat, helping Ben put Finn into the passengers side. She took a few minutes to get Finn settled before turning back to Ben, who had slid into the driver’s side of the car.

He was staring at her and she just stared back. He looked uncomfortable and he was working his jaw like he wanted to say something. Rey thought for a minute she saw his hand shaking and wondered what that was about. 

“You okay?” She watched as he gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles went white, but he continued to stare straight ahead.

“You do this a lot?” His voice sounded strained.

Shrugging, she saw him clench his fists around the steering wheel again, wondering what was going on with him. He seemed to be flipping out and she couldn’t deal with that right now. 

“No,” she answered, “but this isn’t the first time.”

“What the fuck?” He slammed his hand into the steering wheel, obviously losing his temper, and she jumped in surprise.

Finn mumbled something, but Rey ignored her friend in order to deal with fireman guy’s temper tantrum.

“Stop being a dick.” 

He turned to look at her and she flinched. If the expression on his face was any indication, he was pissed. Not wanting him to dump her and Finn back out onto the curb, she grimaced.

“Sorry. But I told you. It’s a party house.”

“That was not a fucking party house, Rey. That was an opium den.” He started the truck and put it in gear, and this time his shaking hands were more pronounced. It seemed odd, given that he responded to emergencies for a living. She decided to ask him about it.

“What’s with you? You’re shaking.”

She watched him clench his jaw, the steering wheel, his whole body tightening up. 

“Bad memories.”

She chewed on her lip, wondering what happened to him. He seemed so normal. She always imagined he had loving parents, friends, and a good job. And he rescued people. It never occurred to her he’d have bad memories that could be triggered by a house full of junkies. She wondered what they were, what had happened to him. But now wasn’t the time to ask.

“Sorry.” She said, instead. Needing to apologize for her part in whatever was happening to him. “Just drop us off at a Finn’s, I can walk home from there.”

******

Ben managed to avoid a full blown panic attack, but he was jittery and so fucking angry for the rest of his shift that pretty much the entire station ignored him. They only had one call and it was a minor house fire which only took a few hours to wrap up, so he spent the rest of the shift watching TV and trying desperately not to think about his afternoon. He got off duty at ten the following morning and went home and tried to crash, but memories, swirling like black smoke in the back of his mind, kept him from sleeping well and invaded his dreams. The nightmares woke him up at six in the evening and instead of taking a sleeping pill to knock himself back out he went to the bar.

Maz Kanata owned a pub and restaurant that he frequented, and every time he walked into the bar her whiskey voice would boom his name across the room. Tonight was no different.

“Beeeeennnnnn Solo!” 

He strolled up to the bar and took a seat at one of the empty stools. The petite older woman leaned up on her toes and squashed his cheeks between her tiny hands. 

“It’s good to see you, Ben. What can I get you?”

“An Irish car bomb. It’s good to see you too, Maz.” 

She turned to pour his drink and Ben rubbed his face in his hands, leaning his elbows on the bar. He didn’t have to be back on shift at the firehouse for another couple of days and his plan was to drink until sleep took over. Maz handed him his drink with a wink and then moved down the bar.

Three hours later Ben was stumbling into the bathroom with some woman who’s name he didn’t remember getting, and bending her over the sink. She was babbling something he was doing his best to ignore while he lifted her skirt and lost himself in the sensation of fucking her. His mind was numbed by the alcohol and his focus was pinpointed to the feeling of his cock moving in and out of her willing body. It didn’t last long, but the emptiness and complete absence of thought that came with his orgasm was welcome.

He grunted as he came, pausing his movements for a minute before withdrawing and hitching his pants back up. The woman turned around and shimmied her skirt back down her legs with a smile. 

“Call me later?”

Ben ran his hands through his sweaty hair while he finished buttoning up his fly. “I don’t think so.” 

“You’re an asshole.” She dropped her jaw in surprise.

“Yeah,” he acknowledged and opened the door, leaving her sputtering behind him.

He didn’t have any more nightmares that evening.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two mini time jumps, a dunk tank and some self loathing.

[](http://s19.photobucket.com/user/sheeboobles/media/CA1CCC07-7022-412D-9A58-D1EEDC9AFA22.png.html)

3 months later

 

The most annoying thing about being a fireman was all of the things you were expected to do in that capacity that had absolutely nothing to do with fire.

For example, dunk tanks.

The annual fundraiser and community fair that the fire department participated in typically took place over the Fourth of July weekend, and this year was no different. Ben had volunteered to work the dunk tank because every once in a while his guilt over his broken friendship with Poe forced his hand and made him do something moronic. 

Like volunteer to get submerged in cold water for the entertainment of others.

Luckily for Ben, most people had terrible aim and the ones that _could_ hit the broad side of a barn usually didn’t have enough oomph behind their throwing arm to depress the target, which meant that he’d managed to spend the majority of the morning dry as a bone. He was sitting on the bench with his feet dangling in the water, watching the crowds wander past him, when he heard a soft chuckle.

“Oh, this is too good.” 

The quiet voice sounded familiar and Ben glanced to his right, finding himself staring at the smirking face of a teenage menace. He rolled his eyes dramatically. 

“You have got to be kidding me.” 

Rey clapped in glee and ran over to the ticket booth where she handed over her money with a grin. Ben watched her grab a handful of baseballs and crossed his arms over his chest with a smirk. There was no way this slip of a girl would be able to depress the target. 

“You really think you can dunk me, jailbait?” 

She narrowed her gaze and wound up like she was pitching for a pro team, and for a brief moment Ben wondered if he’d underestimated her. The thud of the ball against the target was immediately followed by the sense of freefall and the sensation of being doused in tepid water, and he realized with a flare of amusement that he might be in over his head. 

Ben came up spitting and wiped his hand across his face in an effort to get the water out of his eyes. Rey was grinning at him in triumph, and he pulled himself out of the tank to reset the bench, while grumbling under his breath about devil spawn. He had only just sat down before the earth fell out from underneath him and he was dunked a second time. 

Most of his amusement gone due to the fact that he got a mouthful of water this time around, Ben rose out of the water with a frown. Standing to his full height, water hitting his mid chest, he slapped the surface in annoyance. He was hardly in danger of drowning, but it was the principle of the thing and the sound of Rey cackling again was irritating, to say the least. 

“So help me god, you little menace, you do that again and I’m coming after you.” He pointed at her with a glare to drive home his point. 

“Ooh-Kay.” She didn’t sound overly sincere, and Ben glared at her as he pulled himself up out of the water a second time. He shook his head, attempting to get water out of his ear, and stomped up the short ladder leading to the bench. 

Setting the contraption again, he sat almost gingerly on the seat and met Rey’s eye. She was smirking. 

“Ready, Solo?” 

“You’re signing your own death sent-“ his threat was cut off with another splash and when he came up he was furious. 

“That’s it.” Lifting himself up over the edge he vaulted out of the tank and strode quickly over to where Rey was standing. She took one look at him and dropped the other two baseballs before running off into the crowd. She was fast and might have escaped under different circumstances, but Ben was tall, faster, and pissed. 

When he grabbed her around the waist she squeaked and he barely registered her kicking his shins and punching his forearm as he hauled her back towards the dunk tank. 

“Paybacks a bitch, kid.” 

“Don’t you dare you-“ Ben lifted her high over the tank, careful not to hurt her, and unceremoniously dropped her in the water. It was his turn to laugh when she came up sputtering. 

“You asshole!” 

“I told you. Signed your own death sentence.” He offered her his hand, ignoring her glare, and she sullenly took it, letting him pull her out of the water. They stood, both dripping, and stared at each other. 

She caved first. 

“You own me lunch, dickhead.” 

Given how obvious her ribs had been when he picked her up, he was more than happy to feed her. She weighed nothing. 

“Fine.” Ben got the attention of the rookie at the ticket booth. “I’m going to get this brat something to eat.” The other man gave him the thumbs up and Ben ran his hand through his hair, getting the wet mess off his face. 

“I’m not a brat.” 

“You dunked me three times.” He strode off towards the food, and she jogged to catch up. 

“It’s a dunk tank. Isn’t that the goal?” 

“Technically, if you hit the target once, you’re supposed to stop and collect your prize.” 

“Well, my prize was getting to dunk you again.” He stopped and looked at her in mock horror. 

“You have an evil streak, you know that?” 

“I wish I had a hamburger.” 

“Fine.” Ben looked around and pointed towards the nearest food stand that offered burgers. “You here alone?” 

“I was here with Finn but he wandered off.” 

Ben frowned. “That your friend from the opium den?” 

“Yeah. And it wasn’t an opium den.” 

“That place was one junkie shy of a full blown crack house and you know it.” 

Rey just snorted. “Chock full of fire hazards, too.” 

“Ha-ha.” 

The kid working the food truck charged the burger and fries he ordered to the fire departments tab, which was convenient since Ben’s wallet was locked in the rig in order to keep it from getting drenched with the rest of him. Rey had let him order for her and was currently stretched out on a bench, drying herself off in the sun. All things considered, she took being dunked like a champ. 

“Sorry I dunked you.” Rey laughed up at him as he apologized. 

“I deserved it.” 

“Eh, that’s debatable.” Ben looked her over. “You okay?” 

“I’m fine Solo, you didn’t break me.” 

The kid in the food truck called his name, and Ben walked over to grab the burger. He picked up a few napkins and some ketchup packets as well and brought all of it back to Rey. She sat up and took it with a mumbled thank you before shoving a handful of fries in her mouth. Deciding that watching her eat was just this side of creepy, he gestured back to the dunk tank. 

“I gotta get back to my duties as a human buoy. You good?” 

“Yup. Finn will turn up eventually.” She gave him a toothy grin that had him rolling his eyes and wondering why, exactly, he seemed to get along so well with a punk ass kid. 

“Stay outta trouble.” 

“Always.” 

****** 

He should have taken his own advice. 

Instead, Ben found himself in his truck with a stranger at three that morning, ass in the air when the cop tapped on his window. He managed to talk his way out of a night in jail, but ended up with a court date for indecent exposure and the possibility of a hefty fine. Not to mention the fact that it was strongly implied by the officer who watched him drunkenly pull his pants up that driving home would result in additional tickets, fines, and a guaranteed stay in county. 

He had managed to get away from the clingy redhead and stumble home without further incident, but his thoughts had been churning since his encounter with Rey and he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d done something wrong. That he shouldn’t have gotten angry with her, or touched her, or god, dumped her in the water? What the hell had he been thinking? Every time he recalled the events of the afternoon, he felt a surge of panic, wondering if he had somehow crossed a line he’d vowed never to go near. 

He had no concept of normal. There was no way for him to tell. 

Ben’s hand shook as he unlocked the front door, the telltale sign that an anxiety attack on its way. Stumbling into his living room, he tossed the keys on the coffee table and collapsed in the couch, holding his head in his hands as the memory of his picking up Rey was replaced with the memory of an arm around his own waist, holding him down. He took several deep breaths in an effort to calm his heart rate, but whatever path he’d been set on this evening was impossible to deviate from and before too long he was reliving a particularly unpleasant afternoon with Snoke. He dragged his sweating, shaking mess of a self to the bedroom and crawled under the sheets, where he waited for the blackness to overtake him. 

______________________________ 

7 months later 

Ben was enjoying his day off as much as he could given that he’d gone for a five mile run that morning after having not been able to sleep the night before. He probably looked like hell, but he didn’t really feel the need to impress anyone at the grocery store. 

He was in shorts and a tank top, his long black hair pulled back into a messy man bun, even though he’d kill anyone who described it that way out loud. His sunglasses hid the worst of his dark circles and disinclined people from talking to him. He was only here because he needed cream for his coffee. As a hardened caffeine addict, he’d decided to brave the early morning crush of housewives that seemed to frequent his local supermarket, barely registering the way they looked at him. More than one of them had propositioned him in the past, but he wasn’t caffeinated enough to deal with any of that this morning. 

Getting into the express lane, he glanced at the magazines on the rack, finding the shallow sentiments on the popular lifestyle magazines to be particularly nauseating. He stepped forward in line and put the creamer on the conveyor belt, glancing sideways briefly at the girl at the register, only to do a double take when he recognized her face. 

It had been a while. 

“Heya, jailbait.” 

She grinned at him and he was struck by how much it lit up her face. 

“It’s my birthday. You can’t call me that anymore.” 

He quirked an eyebrow at her as she scanned the creamer. “Unless I blacked out for a year, you’re only seventeen. Still jailbait.” 

She shrugged and Ben pulled his cash out of the zipper pocket in his shorts to hand it to her. 

As she took the cash, she brushed some loose hair behind her ear and chewed on her lip while she stared at him. With a lurch in his stomach, he suddenly felt like the dirtbag Mitaka thought he was, because he became acutely aware of the fact that she was pretty. Like, if she were older he’d imagine her naked, pretty. 

Ben was suddenly sick to his stomach. 

He really was a piece of shit. 

“Happy birthday, kid.” He choked out the congratulations and broke eye contact, picking up the creamer and needing to get the hell out of there. Ben quickened his pace as he walked out, incredibly uncomfortable in his own skin. 

Under no circumstances should he be looking at a seventeen year old with any sort of prurient interest. 

That would make him just like Snoke. 

He had just made it outside the sliding glass doors when someone grabbed him by the elbow, startling him out of his self flagellation. It was her. Of course it was. She lived to torture him, apparently. 

“Come on, Solo, that’s it? No present?” He contained his surprise, but barely. 

“You want me to buy you a present?” She shrugged. 

“No one else is going to.” 

It was said so nonchalantly he couldn’t possibly respond with pity. “That’s fucking pathetic. Do people not like you?” 

She grinned, and he felt a small bubble of relief that he’d called it right. “Nope.” 

He rolled his eyes. “I’ll be right back with a pony.” 

“I don’t want a pony.” 

“Said no sixteen year old girl, ever.” 

“Seventeen, jackass.” 

“We keep this up, my cream’s going to go bad.” 

“Oh no, what a tragedy,” she deadpanned, implying the opposite. 

“It fucking is. Black coffee tastes like shit.” 

“I like black coffee.” 

“You would.” 

She blew her breath out, apparently having no fitting response, and he felt oddly satisfied at having won whatever little battle they had just engaged in. Because apparently he needed to win a battle of wits with a teenager to keep his ego well maintained? Jesus, he really was hitting a multitude of new lows today. 

“You going to be at the fire station later?” 

Ben took a minute before answering, contemplating the potential consequences of his response. She couldn’t possibly be serious. But as he took in the expression on her face, he reassessed the situation. Maybe she _was_ serious. She looked so damn hopeful, like if he said no he’d devastate her. For some reason it was very important to him that he didn’t disappoint this girl. She’d managed to get under his skin and his usual disregard for other people didn’t seem to apply when she was involved. 

And pretty or not, she was just a lonely kid. Contrary to popular opinion he wasn’t a complete monster. 

This would be fine. 

__“Shift starts at eight.”_ _

__She just nodded and turned around. “Cya later, Solo.”_ _

__Her abrupt departure left him staring after her, holding his cream, wondering what the hell had just happened._ _

__******_ _

__The fire station was pretty mellow that evening, and Ben was enjoying the quiet. Poe and Phasma were sleeping as they’d been on duty since the previous night, Mitaka was off, and the rest of the men and women on shift were split separately between quietly watching a recording of the game and playing a subdued game of poker in the lounge._ _

__Electing to opt out of socializing, Ben was sitting in the kitchen reading. He’d argued with himself for most of the day about how fucking creepy it would be if he actually bought some seventeen-year-old near stranger a birthday gift. His decision was heavily influenced by his own experiences, and he had managed to concede that since he wasn’t actively trying to seduce the kid it was probably okay._ _

__And to add to that, he really didn’t give a shit what people thought. If buying a lonely teenager an innocuous birthday present made him a creep, so be it. He had a reputation as an asshole with women already, so it’s not like this was going to be news to anyone. And besides, she’d seemed genuinely happy to see him. Something which literally no one else in his life ever was, at this point. Even Maz frowned at him when he went to her bar._ _

__Apparently he’d screwed too many faceless women in her bathroom._ _

__So he’d gotten her some cupcakes, a single candle, and a coffee mug that said “I like my coffee black, like my soul”. He still wasn’t convinced she was planning on actually showing up and frankly a part of him hoped she wouldn’t. He liked to think that she would be doing some normal teenage thing like hanging out with friends or having a party instead of visiting some guy nearly a decade older than her at what amounted to his office._ _

__The minute he thought that, of course, she appeared. The bay doors were down, but there was a regular door that had a doorbell and the buzz sounded through the kitchen where Ben was sitting and into the larger living room area. He stood up and walked into the truck bay to open it up and let her in. She swept past him and strolled in like she owned the place, before turning around and smiling at him._ _

__“Where’s my present?” She was still in her work outfit, a green smock with the name of the market embroidered on the lapel. Her purse was sling over her shoulder and Ben couldn’t tell if she looked older than her seventeen years because he wanted her to or because she actually did. He slammed the door harder than he probably needed to._ _

__“Hello to you too.” He waved her towards the swinging door that led into the living area, following her while preparing himself for the weird looks they were about to get. His coworkers were a bunch of judgmental assholes and he seriously hoped none of them gave her any shit. He was used to their judgement and sideways glances, but she was just a kid._ _

__Unfortunately, she pushed open the door like some hired gun out of a western and waltzed into the living space with enough attitude that everyone looked at them. So much for no one commenting._ _

__One of the men watching the game raised his eyebrows and gave Ben a look. Bodhi had been at the fire station for long enough to have heard stories about Ben’s track record with women. Probably from Mitaka. He apparently felt the need to play white knight, because he sat up straight and glared at Ben._ _

__“Who’s this?”_ _

__Before he could tell him it was none of his business, Rey took over, leaning down with her hand extended._ _

__“Jailbait, nice to meet you. It’s my birthday.”_ _

__Bodhi grimaced at Ben, causing him to intervene._ _

__“She’s my cousin, and she’s obviously drunk.” He grabbed her arm and dragged her into the kitchen before she could say anything else. He’d underestimated her mischievous streak._ _

__“Good bye, nice man who doesn’t have a name!” She yelled as she made a big show of waving goodbye and blowing kisses._ _

__Ben resisted the urge to throw her into a chair, but just barely. Instead he released her and turned to the cupboard where he had stashed her mug._ _

__“That was wonderfully subtle,” he tossed over his shoulder._ _

__She shrugged and sat down at the table. “You work with a bunch of judgmental assholes.”_ _

__Her assessment was spot on. “Still, adding fuel to the fire probably wasn’t your best idea.”_ _

__“Was that some sort of fireman joke? Cause if so you need to work on your delivery.”_ _

__“Do you want your present or not?”_ _

__“Duh.”_ _

__He handed her the mug. It wasn’t wrapped and there wasn’t a bow or anything. All in all it seemed like a pretty pathetic birthday gift, but her face lit up when she read it._ _

__“How do you know I have a black soul?”_ _

__“Mostly it’s your decision not to put cream in your coffee. That’s the devil’s work.” He pulled the cupcakes out of the fridge, shoved a single candle in one, grabbed a plate, arranging the cupcakes as nicely as he could, then put the plate on the table while he rifled through the drawer to find a lighter._ _

__His search was successful and he lit the candle on her cupcake before sitting down._ _

__“Also, your decision to spend your birthday here has me questioning your sanity.”_ _

__“Why? You’re fun.” She paused a moment and then blew out the candle on her cupcake before reaching for it and eating almost all the frosting in one bite. He reached for one as well before responding._ _

__“No one thinks I’m fun, sweetheart.” He took a huge bite out of his desert and his next sentence was muffled. “I’m an asshole.”_ _

__She looked at him seriously. “You’re really not. Trust me.”_ _

__They kind of just looked at each other for a minute while they both chewed. The way she said that inclined him to believe that someone specific in her life embodied her idea of an asshole. He was tempted to ask her about it, but changed his mind before he decided to break the silence._ _

__“Where’s your friend?”_ _

__She shoved nearly the whole cupcake into her mouth before answering with a muffled, “Rehab.”_ _

__Well, that explained why she was here. Ben watched as she pushed herself away from the table and opened the fridge._ _

__“Do you have milk?”_ _

__“Nope, just cream. For my coffee.” He gestured towards the fridge, belying his statement._ _

__“Liar. Are you ever going to let that go?” She pulled the milk out of the fridge and grabbed her new mug off the table while Ben watched her fill it to the brim._ _

__“No.”_ _

__She put the milk away and returned to sit at the table with him, mouth curved around the edge of the mug to keep it from sloshing over the edge. Once she sat back down, she resumed her gluttony, happily munching away at a second cupcake._ _

__“Do your—” He stopped himself. He didn’t want to say parents because he knew she was a foster kid, so he went with a different word. “-adults know you’re here?”_ _

__“Nope.” She shook her head. “Roseanne’s been sick so they’re at the hospital a lot. They’ve been there all week. I haven’t seen them in days.”_ _

__He frowned. They just left her alone? For days? To wander into strange fire stations? What if he was actually dangerous? She reached for another cupcake, and he decided she’d had enough sugar, so he yanked the plate away from her. A flash of memory recalled how prominent her ribs were over the summer and he frowned._ _

__“Do they not feed you? You can’t eat cake for dinner.”_ _

__She looked at him and blinked. “But...it’s my birthday.”_ _

__Her voice was so pathetic he couldn’t help but grin._ _

__“Suck it up. I’ll make you a sandwich.”_ _

__He was finishing up throwing together some actual food for her when Poe came into the kitchen. Ben ignored him, even though he could feel the other man’s eyes on him, and finished listening to Rey explain why, exactly, her English teacher was almost definitely an alien. Given her detailed explanation he was inclined to agree with her._ _

__The other man cleared is throat and Ben sighed. Poe hadn’t said anything about the last time Rey had come by the station, but that didn’t come as a surprise considering the two men were barely on speaking terms at this point. He was clearly going to say something now, however._ _

__“Ben, can I talk to you?”_ _

__Ben finally glanced up and caught the determined look on Poe’s face. He licked some mayo off his finger before handing the plate to Rey._ _

__“Eat up, kid. I’ll be right back.”_ _

__He followed Poe out of the kitchen and into the living area in an effort to keep Rey from overhearing. The game was over and the room was pretty much empty, and no one was waiting for them to listen to Ben getting dressed down by his boss. It was obvious someone must have alerted Poe to Rey’s presence, though, otherwise he’d still be asleep. Chances were pretty good it had been Bodhi._ _

__The other man stopped and faced Ben with a frown, hands in his pockets as though he was trying to solve a complicated math problem. Ben crossed his arms over his chest as he looked down at Poe keeping his expression as impassive as possible. Being six foot three came in handy sometimes, and he certainly wasn’t above using his height to intimidate._ _

__“What do you want?”_ _

__The other man glanced at the kitchen. “Is that who I think it is?”_ _

__“I don’t know. Who do you think it is?”_ _

__“The kid you said was your cousin.”_ _

__“And if it is?”_ _

__“I’m just curious what she’s doing here, Ben. How old is she?”_ _

__“She’s seventeen. It’s her fucking birthday, and I can’t believe you’re asking me this shit.” Ben spun around and went back into the kitchen, astounded to find that Rey had polished off the sandwich during his brief but very annoying conversation with his ex-friend._ _

__Ten years ago, Ben moved in with Poe after leaving his parents house. The two men had bonded over their shared adrenaline chasing tendencies. Unfortunately, Poe had been there to watch as Ben slowly fell apart, sleeping with anyone who was interested, drinking too much, and generally refusing to discuss his family. He’d never talked about why he left them or why he had nightmares and panic attacks. Poe had found out though, probably from Ben’s mother, and had tried to talk to him about it, encouraging Ben to get help. Instead, Ben had grown sick of being pestered and had moved out, but not without fucking Poe’s girlfriend before he left. Suffice it to say, the two men were no longer friends._ _

__“So, jailbait, how are you getting home?”_ _

__She looked up as she swallowed the last of her sandwich and frowned._ _

__“Are you kicking me out?”_ _

__She seemed so disappointed Ben immediately changed direction. He didn’t want to ruin her birthday because of some perceived weirdness from his coworkers. Coworkers who already hated him, he might add. And screw Poe for making him doubt himself._ _

__“Just curious. Movie?” Her face lit up again and Ben had a bad feeling that smile would come back to haunt him._ _

__“Hell yeah. Do you have any good horror flicks?”_ _

__He stared at her._ _

__“What?” She managed to sound completely innocent but he knew she was fucking with him._ _

__“Soul. Black.”_ _

__They made their way to the living room and fought for a few minutes over which movie to watch before deciding on The Shining. He found a couple of sodas and as they settled onto the couch he looked her over briefly. She was literally sitting on the edge of her seat and almost vibrated with excitement. He wasn’t sure what her daily routine was, but if watching a thirty year old horror flick in a grungy fire station got her this happy it was probably pretty awful._ _

__“If we get a call I’ll have to bail. You know that, right?”_ _

__She waved him off with a hand, not even looking at him._ _

__“Yeah, whatever.”_ _

__“Either way I’ll get you an Uber home.”_ _

__“Fine, just shut up so I can watch the movie.”_ _

__Ben huffed and shook his head, then allowed himself to get sucked into the film._ _

__As predicted they got a call and Ben had to leave before the movie was over. He sent Rey home in an Uber which he paid for on the phone app so she didn’t have to worry about paying the driver. She left in a rush while he was getting his gear, coffee mug in her hand and another cupcake shoved into her mouth. To his surprise she’d hugged him tightly before leaving, and he’d recovered his shock enough to return it while wishing her a happy birthday, before she released him and ran outside, leaving him to get the rest of his kit on. Before he knew it he was in the rig, riding off to the scene, leaving her behind on the sidewalk._ _

__His thoughts replayed the evening as they drove to the fire, while he evaluated his behavior for anything touching on inappropriate. Altogether it had been a good night, and he’d actually enjoyed her company. She was smart as a whip and had a dry sense of humor which had gotten a chuckle or two out of him over the course of the evening. As they made their way through traffic, sirens blaring, Ben caught Poe’s eye and felt the judgement from across the truck. It was like having cold water dumped on him, and he pushed all thoughts of Rey aside, chastising himself for allowing them to go there in the first place._ _

__When he got off his shift that night he decided not to think about her again. He wasn’t really sure what he was expecting her to do after their odd visit anyway, but he was somewhat relieved that she didn’t come back for a while._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...as someone who was once a seventeen year old girl, I can tell you right now it’s totally normal, in my experience, for men to be attracted to seventeen year old girls. It’s what you do about it that counts.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a glimpse into Rey’s home life and her thoughts on Ben Solo.
> 
> TW for domestic violence/child abuse. 
> 
> Updated archive warnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the trigger warnings in the chapter description.

Six months later

 

Rey’s wrist hurt. 

She was cradling it in her other hand as she walked down the dark street, trying not to jostle it too much. If she let it hang at her side it started to throb with her pulse, so she’d resorted to holding it up. While it was the most unpleasant sensation she was dealing with currently, it wasn’t her only source of discomfort. The inside of her mouth felt like hamburger, and she kept tonguing her swollen lip because it just felt so weird. Not to mention her feet were also freezing because she’d run out of the house without putting on her shoes or socks. She could barely feel her toes and each step sent tingles up her legs. 

But she was so close to her destination at this point that she just tried to ignore all of it. She really hadn’t thought this escape plan through, so if Ben wasn’t working tonight she’d probably have to turn around and walk home. 

She really hated that idea.

Rounding the corner, she saw a lone figure sitting on the sidewalk in front of the fire station and slowed her approach, hesitant to announce her presence to someone who didn’t approve of her random visits with Ben. Which seemed to be nearly everyone if her birthday had been any indication. It had been a few months but she distinctly remembered the dirty looks the two of them had gotten while the were watching The Shining.

The figure turned toward her at the soft shuffling sound of her steps, bringing her back to the present, and she almost sighed in relief to see a familiar profile. 

His head cocked to the side before he spoke. “Is that you, jailbait?”

Rey almost started crying again, this time with relief, but instead she took the last few steps towards him and collapsed on the curb by his side, wrist still cradled in her arm. 

“Heya, Solo.” She didn’t like how her voice cracked when she said that and apparently he caught the hitch as well because he suddenly sat up straighter and put down the beer he’d been nursing. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I got into a fight.” She really, really hoped he didn’t ask her anything else.

“With who?” 

Crap. His voice had lowered and she could tell he was pissed.

“Plutt.”

“Who the fuck is Plutt, Rey?”

“Foster dad.”

He threw the bottle across the street and stood up. 

“Come inside where I can see.” He held a hand down to help her up and she took it with her good arm.

She let him shuffle her inside the firehouse, familiar with the route to the common area from her last visit. There was no one else in the living space, and Rey wondered how late it was. It had been pretty late when she left, having come home from her shift at the market to find an enraged Plutt lying in wait for her.

Ben led her into the kitchen, where she sat down and gently placed her injured arm on the table. It was not a pretty color and she seriously hoped Ben didn’t fly off the handle. She was pretty sure it wasn’t broken, but Plutt had yanked on it really hard. She was tapping her feet against the floor in an effort to get them to warm up, when she heard what sounded almost like a growl come from Ben.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” 

Rey looked up and Ben was staring at her, mouth slightly agape, eyes sparkling in fury. She must look worse than she thought.

“What? Is my makeup smeared?”

“Yeah, all over your face.” He approached her and sat down in the chair nearest hers, opening the first aid kit.

Rey wasn’t really up for another session of their usual back and forth, so she didn’t reply to his sarcasm. She winced as he applied an alcohol pad to her cheek, and he responded with a curse. As she watched his face she wondered how bad it was, because his jaw was clenched and his eyes were narrowed. She had to see the damage for herself.

“Do you have a mirror?”

He nodded once and lowered his hand, throwing the bloody alcohol wipe down. 

“Bathroom,” he said, pointing to door on the other side of the living area. 

Rey stood and walked past him, noticing his tense posture. She got to the bathroom and turned on the light, then groaned when she looked in the mirror. No wonder he was pissed. In the forty minutes it had taken her to walk to the fire station from her house, a huge black and blue bruise had formed on her right cheek, blood from a small cut had oozed across her face, her mascara was running from the crying, and she had a split lip. 

To say she looked rough was an understatement.

A part of her was astounded that all that damage came from a single blow and she was immensely glad Plutt had only hit her once. 

When she made her way back to the kitchen Ben was still sitting at the table, fists clenched in his lap. Rey sat back down in front of him and took a fortifying breath. 

“Okay, Solo, do your worst.”

His eyes, which had been closed, snapped open. “What?”

“You know, with the cleaning me up? That is why you got the first aid kit, right?”

“Tell me what happened.” His fists uncurled and he pulled another alcohol pad out of the first aid kit to finish cleaning up her face.

Rey really didn’t want to, but he looked concerned. Thinking about it, she realized he was always helping her. She wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about that. Maybe next time she came for a visit it should just be for a visit. In the meantime, she decided he could probably handle the truth.

“I got home from work late. Plutt was pissed because I hadn’t done the laundry.”

His eye twitched when she said that. “You do the laundry?”

“Apparently not often enough.” 

Ben stopped swabbing her cheek and pointed at her. “Bullshit.”

“What?” Was he mad at her?

“You’re not a fucking maid.”

Rey felt herself relax, not realizing she’d tensed up when she thought his anger was directed at her. He wasn’t mad at her. He was furious on her behalf. 

“I know I’m not a maid.”

“Do you?” He leaned towards her and Rey wasn’t entirely sure what point he was trying to make.

“Yes?”

“It’s not a question, Rey.”

She looked down at her lap, uncomfortable with the intensity of his gaze. “Okay.”

He reached out and put a finger under her chin, forcing her to look at him. 

“Say it.”

She rolled her eyes. 

“I’m not a maid.” Satisfied, he dropped his hand and sat back in his chair. 

“Let me see your wrist.”

She held it out to him and he took it between his hands, gently poking and prodding. When he rotated the joint she winced, causing him to frown. 

“I don’t think it’s broken, but it’s sprained.”

“You a doctor now?”

“EMT training is part of the job.” Placing her hand back on the table, he stood. “I should take you to the hospital for X-rays.” It was at that point that he must have just realized she was barefoot because he literally growled his next sentence. 

“Where the hell are your shoes?”

Rey looked down at her feet. “I ran out without putting them on.”

“Jesus fucking...” Ben began pacing and Rey watched him stomp around the kitchen, his hands running through his hair. “I’m not taking you back there.”

She snorted. “It’s not like I have a choice.”

“You could–” He cut himself off and she was suddenly very curious what he was going to say. 

She could what? Before she had a chance to ask, he continued. 

“What about that friend in rehab?”

Rey shook her head. She couldn’t stay with Finn. He was living in his car. But Ben didn’t need to know that. 

“His foster parents would never agree to it. It’s only for another six months, anyway.”

“What?” His expression was a combination of exasperated and confused and she almost smiled.

“I turn eighteen in six months.” He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at her as though he was waiting for her to elaborate. “No more foster check for Plutt, and there’s no way I’m staying if I don’t have to.”

“So you’re expecting me to just take you back there?”

“I didn’t really think it through.” 

“Did you at least call the cops?”

“Why, so they can put me in another foster home? No thanks. Better the devil you know.” She sighed. “I shouldn’t have come, but I needed to get out of there. Maybe you should take me home.”

He stared down at her for what seemed like hours, clearly contemplating how he felt about her request. 

“I’ll take you home after I take you to the ER. On one condition.”

“Which is?”

“I get to have a conversation with Plutt.”

“Ooh, sounds scary.”

Ben slammed his hand down on the table, startling her. “This isn’t a fucking joke, Rey.”

“But that’s our thing.” She covered his hand with hers, an impulsive gesture meant to comfort him. It was a move which she immediately regretted, however, because while sarcastic banter was definitely their thing, touching was not.

Apparently he agreed, because he jerked his hand out from under hers before responding. Suddenly self conscious, Rey put her hand back in her lap as he cleared his throat.

“What’s our thing?”

“You know.” She waved her hand around. “Witty banter.”

He ran his hand through his hair in a move she was coming to recognize as a sign of his frustration. 

“Do you have a cell phone?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I left it at home.” 

“Good. I’m going to give you my number.” He walked over to the other end of the kitchen counter and ripped a piece of paper off the notepad there, scribbling something on it with the pen chained to that wall. “You have to promise me you’ll call if Plutt even looks at you sideways.”

“Deal.” 

He looked down at her like he was contemplating what to do, and Rey took the opportunity to stare back. She realized as she looked up at him that even though he was frowning and angry, he was cute. Like, attractive. With his pouty mouth and his big ears. It was a weird epiphany and she didn’t really know where to put the new information. 

Especially because he just kept staring. 

“Stop staring.”

“You need to get your wrist looked at. I’m debating whether or not I can convince you to come willingly.”

“Can I go without shoes?”

“It’s the emergency room. You can go without pants.”

She blinked and watched his face grow an interesting shade of red, which somehow added to his appeal.

“Just… You know what I mean. Let me get my keys.” He stormed out of the kitchen, leaving Rey alone to contemplate the oddity of finding Ben Solo attractive.

******

The emergency room took forever and by the time they left, Rey was exhausted. The clock on the wall of the sterile room indicated it was well past 3 am. Her wrist was sprained, like Ben had said. He’d given her a look that screamed ‘I told you so’ but she had rolled her eyes and ignored it. The doctor gave her a brace, told her she had to wear it for three weeks, and spent the entire time looking sideways at Ben while Rey insisted over and over that he had nothing to do with her injuries. The fact that he stood with his arms crossed over his chest, glaring at everyone, hadn’t helped his cause in the least.

They’d signed her out, having to come up with a creative story that allowed the hospital to release her, a minor, into Ben’s custody. The cousin bit was getting habitual and seemed to work, so they stuck with it. When all the documents were in order, they made their way out to the cool night. 

Ben wouldn’t let her walk across the hospital parking lot in bare feet, so her lack of shoes presented a problem getting back to the car. He’d made his position very clear when they’d arrived, ranting about sharps and hepatitis, and he’d dropped her off in the ambulance bay before parking out in the lot. Now, keys in hand, he gestured to a bench outside the emergency room exit. 

“Stay here, kid, I’ll be right back with the truck.”

“No.”

He raised an eyebrow. “No?”

“C’mon Solo, I’m tired. Plutt’s probably fuming, and I walked for 40 minutes on these feet earlier. I’ll be fine.” 

He must have sensed her unwillingness to stay put. 

“I’ve got a better idea.” He leaned forward and bent down slightly, putting his hands on his knees. “Come on. Jump up.”

Rey leapt up on his back, piggy back style, and he stood, seemingly unaffected by her weight. He hitched her up on his hips, and grabbed behind her knees to secure her. Recalling his response to her hand touch earlier, she was somewhat astounded by his willingness to commit to full body contact. Throwing caution to the wind, she locked her ankles in front of him, then wrapped her arms around his shoulders, trying not to strangle him and being careful not to smack him with her wrist brace. 

She’d once heard a classmate talk about how she wanted to climb one of the members of the basketball team like a tree and Rey wondered suddenly if this is what the girl had meant.

“You’re massive, you know that Solo?”

“Hmmhmm.”

Rey rested her cheek against his back, enjoying his warmth and surprised by how comfortable she felt leaning into him. She wasn’t completely innocent when it came to boys and dating, but she certainly wasn’t into boys the way most of her classmates were. For one, she didn’t have a whole lot of time for dating. Between school, her job, and the sheer volume of housework Plutt had her doing, free time was rare. For another, her peers didn’t interest her for the most part, and while she’d had a boyfriend a few months back, he’d only ever wanted to have sex so she’d stopped inviting him over. There was something about Ben carrying her, though, that made her incredibly aware of the fact that he was a man. A large, strong, nice man. And being able to rest her cheek against his back was incredibly satisfying. In fact, she almost dozed off on the short walk to his truck. 

“Where do you live?” 

Rey rubbed her face into his back in an effort to wake up and mumbled the address into his shoulder blades. 

“That’s like forty blocks from the station.”

“Yup.” She felt his sigh underneath her and couldn’t help squeeze his waist a bit with her legs.

“Next time, call me, and I’ll just come get you.” 

They got to the truck and she slid off of him, noticing that the sensation gave her goose bumps. What was the matter with her? The last thing she needed was to develop some inappropriate crush on Ben Solo, so she ignored the way sliding down his large frame made shivers run up her spine and hopped into the passengers seat instead. She didn’t realize he was expecting her to respond to his directive until the door failed to close. 

“What?”

“Say you’ll call me if you need something, Rey.”

The look on his face was serious. “Sure, Solo.” She stuck out her hand. “Pinky promise.”

He hooked his massive digit around hers and yanked, surprising her. It pulled a snort of laughter out of her before he released her and shut the door to the truck with a thud.

They drove to her house mostly in silence, the radio in the background playing old rock and roll that Rey didn’t recognize. She was oddly anxious about Ben seeing her house. Having always been in his territory, she was used to feeling like she was in control of their odd relationship. But now, he was going to see where she lived and she was immensely uncomfortable with the idea. It seemed too personal, especially after her revelation in the parking lot.

They pulled up to the curb before she could really process any of her thoughts, making her desperate to flee. She was undoing her seatbelt before he’d even turned off the ignition, and hopped out of the truck without looking back. 

“Thanks Solo, see ya later.”

“Rey–” 

She slammed the door before he could finish his sentence and jogged up the walk to the front of the house. It was run down and the paint was peeling, but more importantly, the lights were still on. The front door opened on its own, and Plutt was waiting for her in the entranceway. A brief thought of “crap” flashed through her mind as he grabbed her and yanked her violently into the house, failing to close the door behind him.

“Where have you been, girl?”

Rey heard the slam of a truck door outside and knew this was going to get ugly. 

“I got my wrist set, blobfish.” She tried to leave again so she could intercept Ben, but Plutt shoved her hard and she stumbled back onto the couch.

He raised his hand to yell or do whatever, when a blur of dark hair and anger slammed into him, toppling him over onto the carpet in the small living room. Rey raised her feet up off the floor to get out of the way and then watched in amazed horror as Ben proceeded beat the crap out of her foster dad.

Her shock allowed it to go on for longer than it probably should have. Ben didn’t seem to be stopping and he clearly had the advantage. There was no telling what would happen if he kept it up. 

“Solo, stop!” 

Surprising her, he did, dropping his clenched fists at his side. He stood to his full height and whipped his hair out of his eyes before looking at her. Rey blinked at the expression on his face. He was furious and it was on her behalf. The crush she’d only recently admitted to having seemed to solidify while she looked at him. She only hoped the expression on her face was one of disapproval and not glee. Regardless, it seemed to convince Ben he didn’t need to keep up the beating.

He looked back down at Plutt, grabbing him by the collar and pulling his face up in close while Rey watched.

“You touch her again and I will end you. Are we clear?”

Plutt glared up at the younger man but Rey saw him nod, his fat face shaking as he did so, before Ben dropped him unceremoniously back on the floor. Standing up, Rey walked around Plutt as he pushed himself up to a sitting position. 

Ben looked her over and shook his head. “I am not okay leaving you here, Rey.”

“You have to be.” She looked at her feet. “I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

Ben stared at her, his jaw working. He seemed to struggle with a decision before he ran his hands through his hair and swore. 

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Rey agreed.

His eyes roamed around the living room and Rey knew he was having second thoughts about leaving her here. He had to, though. She’d been serious about calling the cops. The last thing she wanted was to have her life, crappy as it was, totally disrupted the last few months of school. It was only another six months with Plutt and then she’d be free and she didn’t need him worrying about her the whole time. 

She walked closer to him, wrapping her arms around him in a hug, pressing her face to his chest. It was impulsive, and he didn’t immediately reciprocate, but Rey needed him to know how grateful she was.

“Thank you.” Finally, his arms came around her and he rested his chin on the top of her head, squeezing her briefly before taking her shoulders and putting some distance between them.

“You call me the minute you want out of here, okay?”

“Sure thing, Solo.”

Ben looked at Plutt, who was wiping blood off his face, then back at her. 

“If I don’t hear from you weekly, I’m coming by.”

“What are you, my nanny?”

“Rey–”

“Fine. Weekly. Got it.” She looked at him. “Go home. I’m fine. Before he calls the cops.” Ben turned and walked towards the door.

“Put on some damn shoes.” He mumbled over his shoulder.

Rey rolled her eyes and escorted him outside, watching him until he drove off. 

 

******

Ben drove for about five minutes before the black panic he’d been resisting started to claw its way up his chest. He hated leaving Rey in that situation, but the thought of having a panic attack in front of her and that piece of shit foster parent had pushed him out the front door faster than his protective instincts had been able to keep him there.

Frankly, he’d been holding it at bay since Rey showed up at the station; her black eye triggering a cascade of memories that he’d kept in the corner of his brain through shear force of will. He’d managed to hold it together hours longer than he’d thought he’d be able to, but seeing her there, with that piece of shit—it had been too much and now he was drowning.

Gasping for breath, he pulled over, knuckles white on the steering wheel. He clenched his eyes shut, but the images flashed behind them anyway. Fucking Snoke and his fucking hands. Ben just breathed through it, chanting in his head that he wasn’t dying, even though he didn’t believe it for a minute.

In situations like this he usually drank until the images went away, or fucked them out with some nameless, willing female body. Not in a position to find solace in either of those things, the images became so vivid it was like he was reliving them. Tears ran down his cheeks and he bit his lip until it bled. Concentrating on his breath, he kept up his chant until his heartbeat slowed and his thoughts were his again. Shaky hands unclenched from the steering wheel and he wiped the moisture from his face. 

“Every fucking time,” he growled to himself. 

It seemed inevitable that whenever he spent time with Rey it resulted in him having flashbacks, and yet he’d basically just promised to check in with her once a week for another six months. 

What the hell had he been thinking?


	5. Chapter 5 - Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snippets of conversations between Rey and Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am without internet for another week so I'm uploading this on my phone, hence its brevity.

"So, uh, how was school?"

"What are you, my dad?"

"No I'm not your fucking dad, Rey."

"Good."

******

"Are you drunk?"

"...maybe."

"Did you know firemen have a 25-30% higher chance of alcohol abuse than the general public?"

"How do _you_ know that?"

"I looked it up."

"Why?"

"You drink a lot."

******

"Right or left?"

"What?"

"I read somewhere men typically use the same hand every time."

"...for what, Rey?"

" _You_ know."

"We are not having this conversation."

******

"Plutt's losing his shit. He's freaking me out."

"Has he touched you?"

"Not yet."

"Get outside and wait for me, I'll be there in five minutes."

******

"Why are they called lug nuts?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"You're older and wiser than I am."

"Just Google it."

"Okay Google, why are they called lug nuts?"

"You need professional help."

"...I thought I needed Google."

******

"Prom's this weekend."

"Are you going?"

"Are you asking?"

"No fucking way."

"Then no."

******

"I'm bored, Solo."

"Get a hobby."

"This is my hobby."

******

"Can I, uh, come by the station?"

"I have to work."

"Plutt locked me out."

"Fuck. I should have hit him harder."

"Then you'd be in jail and I'd be doubly screwed."

"Fine. Give me ten minutes."

******

"Why aren't you at work?"

"I took the day off."

"Hungover?"

"Yeah, but that's not why."

"Court date?"

"No, Rey. Jesus. It's my birthday."

"What? Why didn't you tell me?"

"No one gives a shit if I stick around for another year."

"I do."

******

"Take it back."

"I meant what I said, Solo."

"Take it back right now, or I'm hanging up on you."

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

"Fine. I don't _actually_ think people who drink coffee with cream in it are aliens."

"Damn straight."

"They're just weak and soft and won't survive the winter."

*click*

"Solo?!"

******

"Can I come by again tonight?"

"I, uh, don't know if that's a good idea."

"Hot date?"

"No. Rey-"

"I promise not to crawl into your lap and fall asleep again."

"The answer's still no."

"Chicken."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six month time jump. I suck at summaries.

5 months, 21 days and 6 hours later

Ben was on his third beer, peeling the label off the neck of the domestic brew, while he sat sullenly at the bar of Maz’s Cantina. She didn’t great him enthusiastically anymore when he walked in. She barely even spoke to him. But at least she hadn’t blacklisted him. 

He smiled cynically to himself. Only a matter of time.

The cell phone in his jacket pocket began making noise and he pulled it out, answering before confirming the number. He’d given her a ringtone so he knew who was calling.

“Heya jailbait.”

“It’s eight o clock and all’s well.” He smiled and lifted the bottle to his lips. 

“Glad to hear it.” In spite of himself, he’d started looking forward to her phone calls. A grown ass man pining over a fucking teenager. The amount of self loathing he felt about the situation had kept him mostly intoxicated for weeks. Whatever kind of monster Snoke had been, he’d obviously ended up just like the son of a bitch. 

Panting after a goddamned high school student. He was a fucking menace and should probably just start stabbing people so they’d lock him up. 

Drunk Ben was in a mood.

“Actually,” she hesitated on the other end of the line and his expression fell. “Can you meet me somewhere?”

“Rey, I’ve been drinking. I probably shouldn’t be driving.” There was silence on the other end. “Did something happen?”

“What bar are you at?”

“How do you know I’m at a bar?”

“Because drinking at home alone is pathetic.”

She had a point.

He looked up to see Maz’s gaze boring a hole in his head while she wiped down the glasses she’d pulled out of the dishwasher. He glared back. Fuck her for being judgmental. Ben refocused on his conversation with Rey, not breaking eye contact with Maz.

“Did something happen?”

There was a small sigh from the other end of the phone, indicating the young woman he was talking to was frustrated.

“If you don’t tell me where you are, I, an underage and very small girl, will be obligated to look for you in every single pub within a two mile radius of the fire station.”

Growling into the phone, he ceased the glaring contest he’d been involved in with the tiny woman across the room. 

“I’m at Maz’s Cantina.”

“See ya soon, Solo!” Her goodbye was delivered with an annoying amount of good humor, which seemed in direct conflict with her previous pouting, and he shoved the phone back into his pocket. Maybe he’d get lucky and Maz would throw her out for not having ID. 

A man could dream.

Over the course of the last six months, Ben had kept his promise to her. Weekly calls to check in on her had moved into more frequent contact. Rey initiated most of it, calling or texting when she’d had a shitty day or needed to get away from Plutt. The asshole hadn’t laid hands on her again, but he still expected her to earn her keep. Some days, Rey had told him, she just needed a break. Ben had invited her to the station one or two times for movie night, ignoring the accusatory glances sent his way by the likes of Poe and Mitaka. She’d taken it all in stride, rolling her eyes at them and distracting Ben from their stares when he started to get angry.

The unfortunate side effect of talking to her so much, of course, was the fact that he’d come to enjoy it. 

A lot.

The minute he realized what was going on in his brain he’d stopped letting her come over. He hadn’t invited her to the station for about six weeks, but he still couldn’t stop the rush of joy he felt whenever she called him. In fact, he was beginning to think Poe and Mitaka had a point. That he really was some deviant who was taking advantage of a lonely teenage girl. It had gotten to the point where he dissected every interaction with her just to reassure himself that he wasn’t behaving like a creep.

The lonely teenage girl in question showed up in a surprisingly short amount of time. 

Ben wasn’t expecting her so soon, so when she crept up behind him and threw her arms around his shoulders in a tight hug, nearly knocking him off his stool, he almost had a heart attack.

“Wow, Solo, your life is depressing.” She’d whispered it in his ear and then planted a kiss on his cheek and for the second time that night he relegated himself to going straight to Hell.

“Nice to see you too.” He unwrapped her arms from around his neck and forcibly shoved her onto the stool next to him. She’d become increasingly handsy over the last few months and Ben felt like he was constantly pushing her off him. Like everything, she took it in stride, and was currently swinging her legs energetically while spinning back and forth on the stool. He pinched the bridge of his nose in an effort to transport himself to nearly anywhere else. He both wanted and hated having her around. 

It was tearing him apart.

Maz had put the glass she’d been drying down and was making her way over to where he was sitting, eyes focused on his new companion. Ben attempted to prepare for whatever vocal objections the crazy old lady was going to share, but before he could warn Rey of their impending doom, she spoke.

“Guess what?”

He turned on his stool to look at Rey, ignoring Maz for the time being. 

“What?”

“I got a car!” She raised up a set of car keys and jingled them in front of his face. 

“Did you steal it?”

“No, I made Finn steal it.”

“Always good to have a fall guy.”

“Definitely.” She hopped off the stool and leaned in towards him, grabbing his shirt and smiling up at him. Her face was so close he could see her freckles. “Want to go for a ride?”

Ben was obviously drunker than he’d originally thought, because something about the way she said that had him thinking she wasn’t talking about her car. But that was impossible. Handsy was one thing but propositioning him probably wasn’t in her wheelhouse. 

He hoped. 

Luckily Maz choose that movement to intervene.

“You have ID young lady?”

Rey jumped and dropped her hold on his shirt, backing up to a respectable distance. Ben found he could breath again.

“Hi. No. I was just picking him up.” 

Ben screamed internally. Could she fucking stop with the double entendres?

“Solo, who is this girl?”

Ben opened his mouth, but Rey beat him to it. 

“I’m his cousin.”

He groaned and Rey immediately knew she’d said the wrong thing. She looked at him sideways. 

“She knows I’m not your cousin, doesn’t she Solo?”

“Benjamin Organa Solo, what have you gotten yourself into?”

“Organa?” Rey snickered.

“Shut up.” He turned his attention to Maz. “She’s a friend. Leave her alone.”

The older woman’s eyes narrowed to points behind her coke bottle glasses. 

“I’ve seen you with your ‘friends’, Benjamin. You’re lucky I haven’t kicked you out of here for defiling my bathroom.” Her gaze snapped to Rey. “How old are you?”

Rey looked at him, and he just shrugged. She’d opened this damn can of worms. 

“I’m eighteen.” Now he really felt like an ass. 

“Fuck, Rey. It’s your birthday?” She smiled, seemingly not at all upset that he hadn’t remembered. 

“Yup!”

“At least she’s legal,” muttered the tiny bartender.

Ben just stared at the woman he’d known since he was six. 

“Wow that’s a low blow, Maz.”

“If the shoe fits, Benjamin.”

Rey frowned. “Jesus, Solo, is everyone in your life a judgmental piece of shit?” 

Maz’s eyes went wide behind her glasses and Rey grabbed his sleeve. 

“Cmon. You owe me a cupcake.”

He let her drag him out of the bar after throwing some money at the woman who used to babysit him and had just accused him of sleeping with an underage girl. At this point he wondered if he should just give in to his debasement, since everyone around him was judging him for it anyway. Not to mention he was beginning to get the impression Rey wouldn’t be completely opposed to the idea. 

He shoved those thoughts aside, refusing to go down that road even if it killed him.

Drinking always brought out a little bit of darkness, but he’d be fucked if he’d exorcise it on Rey. She was the only person who actually liked him at this point in his life.

He followed her across the street and stopped dead when he saw her pathetic excuse for a vehicle.

“Christ, Rey, this isn’t a car. It’s a damn death trap.”

“It’s a classic.”

“So is my 1980 huffy tricycle but you don’t see me riding it around town.”

“It’s got personality.”

“It’s got rust holes in the door.” He pointed to the driver’s side quarter panel where you could see through it.

“They’re beauty marks.” She reached up and patted his cheek. “Like these.”

He twisted his head away from her touch, uncomfortable with the casual affection, and walked over to the passenger door. 

“Rey, there isn’t a handle.”

“Makes it easier to keep the unwashed masses out.” She got into the driver’s side and leaned over to open the door for him. He sat with caution, expecting the whole car to fall to pieces under his weight, and looked at her as he tried to avoid the spring that was digging into his ass. 

“Where we going, jailbait?”

“I was kind of hoping we could go to your place?”

His brain misfired and he just stared at her.

She looked over her shoulder and he followed suit, finally noticing the old suitcase and cardboard boxes in the back seat of the piece of shit that she was trying to pass as a vehicle. Swinging his eyes back to her, his gaze narrowed in anger. 

“He kicked you out?”

“I told you I was leaving when I turned eighteen.” She shrugged. “It would only be for a couple of days. I’m moving in with Finn, but he’s out of town until Friday and I don’t have a key yet.”

Sighing, he sank into his seat and looked out the window. This was so many kinds of bad, mostly because a very loud, slightly drunk, inner voice was cackling in glee. 

“This is a terrible idea,” he muttered under his breath.

“Please, Solo.” He turned towards her again and her mouth was cast down, her usually bubbly, hopeful expression nowhere to be seen. “I don’t want to live in this death trap.”

“I’m not going to make you live in your car, Rey.” He contemplated, briefly, paying for a hotel room for her, but before he could suggest it as an option, she’d moved on.

“Excellent!” She started the ignition with a roar and a sputter. “Lets Netflix and chill. Oh! And order a pizza. I’m starving.”

“Fine, but no anchovies.”

“Gross. Who the hell eats anchovies?”

******

Ben found himself in his living room a short time later, holding a box of Rey’s meager belongings which she had refused to leave in the car, citing auto theft as her reason. It was all very surreal and he wondered how, exactly, he had gotten to this moment. A part of him was hoping he’d had way more to drink than he remembered and this was some black out nightmare.

She flitted. 

He had some nymphet flitting about his apartment, and all he could think of was how soon he could get the hell out and go back to work where everyone hated him and he could walk the fine line between living and dying in a fire on a regular basis. Because that absolutely sounded easier than having Rey stay with him at his place for forty-eight hours.

He placed her box on the floor, noticing it was filled with odds and ends that looked scavenged from junk yards and flea markets, and watched her as she dropped her suitcase and assessed his apartment.

“This is cleaner than I thought it would be.”

“I’m insulted.”

“You’re a bachelor who drinks too much. I didn’t expect Ikea furniture and area rugs.”

“I like my fucking rugs, and don’t insult the couch you’re about to sleep on.”

She threw herself onto the furniture in question, picking up the remote and turning on the TV. 

“Relax. I just never pegged you for a hipster.” She looked up at him with a grin. “You’ve got a man bun and everything.”

“You take that back or I’m not letting you have any pizza.” He glared at her and ripped the elastic band out of his hair. 

“You’d let me starve?”

“Insult my hair again and find out.”

“At least you still have hair.”

“No one goes bald at my age, sweetheart.”

She turned her whole body to look at him and he ran his hand through his hair, mildly uncomfortable under her gaze.

“You’re 28, right?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re in your prime, Solo. Stop panicking.” She turned back to the TV and waited a beat. “It’ll give you wrinkles.”

“You’re never getting pizza at this rate, brat.” Ben ignored the fact that she was sticking her tongue out at him and went to the kitchen to grab the take out menu off the fridge. He heard the sound of her flipping through the channels and recognized the show she stopped on. 

He poked his head out into the living room and confirmed with a glance she was watching Regular Show. She’d mentioned on more than one occasion that it was one of her favorites.

“We are not watching cartoons, Rey. You’re an adult now. Act like it.”

She just waved her hand at him. “Don’t be such a grump! Regular Show is not appropriate for children. Oh, get sodas!”

“I have sodas.”

“Breadsticks then.”

“How is that the same thing?”

She just shrugged, and he focused on the person on the other end of the phone while he rattled off his order, being sure to include breadsticks. Pizza ordering complete, he joined Rey on the couch and sat through the reminder of the episode, side eyeing the young woman who insisted on inserting herself into his life. 

She smiled over at him. 

“Thanks again, by the way.” 

God, this was going to be torture.

“I have a thirty six hour shift that starts tomorrow night.”

“Oh.” She frowned.

Ben watched her pull her bottom lip between her teeth and debated whether or not he could come up with a reason why he had to leave immediately without her getting suspicious.

“I guess I can find somewhere else until Friday.”

“No, Rey that’s not—” He sighed. She was handing him the perfect out and now he was panicking because he didn’t want her to leave? This was a nightmare. 

_Get a fucking grip, Solo._

“I just meant I won’t be here. So, make yourself at home, okay?”

There was a knock on the door signaling the arrival of the pizza, breaking the tension that seemed to have formed between the two of them. It because obvious fairly soon that Rey clearly never ate because she attacked the pie with a level of desperation that had Ben thinking maybe he should go grocery shopping before work so she didn’t start chewing on the furniture in his absence. 

An entire pizza, an order of breadsticks, and three sodas later, Ben looked at the clock.

“When did it get so late?” They had put on Netflix and had spent nearly four hours watching episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. According to Rey it was a cult classic and had to be binge watched. Ben vaguely remembered seeing it on late night TV but he’d never watched an entire episode before and he’d gotten completely sucked in, to his own chagrin.

“It’s only two.”

“That may be a normal waking hour for you, but I’ve been up since five thirty yesterday morning.” He stood up and looked down at her. “You need blankets or something?”

Nodding, she also rose to her feet. 

“Bathroom?”

He pointed her in the direction of his bathroom and then went to work finding an extra blanket and pillow for her to use. After a few minutes of digging his search was successful and he threw the items on the couch, turning just in time to see her walk out of his bathroom in a t-shirt.

And nothing else.

Fuck. He cleared his throat. 

“New rule. Keep your pants on, please?”

“Stop being a creep, Solo.” There wasn’t any venom in her voice, but Ben felt shame rip through him anyway.

He absolutely was being a creep. Any thoughts he had to the contrary were nothing more than false attempts at reassuring himself that he wasn’t. Unwilling to spend any more time with her in her current state of undress, Ben stomped past her without saying good night. He left her standing in the hallway and slammed the door to his bedroom in an effort to escape his shame.

He really was pathetic.

******

Rey couldn’t sleep. 

She realized drinking three sodas probably contributed to it a bit, but mostly she couldn’t sleep because she felt guilty. Ever since Ben had taken her to the hospital after Plutt had hit her, she’d looked at him a little differently. And they’d talked. A lot. And he was funny. And no matter what he always just wanted to make sure she was okay. It was sweet and she didn’t really know what else it was, but she’d clearly made him uncomfortable when she’d called him a creep earlier. Which was shitty because he wasn’t in the least, and frankly at this point she wanted him to get distracted if she didn’t have pants on. 

She wanted him to think she was attractive. 

Because she definitely thought he was.

The crush she’d developed on him had morphed into something more over the last few months, and she’d hoped that since she wasn’t technically ‘jailbait’ anymore things might change. But he was clearly either not interested or still saw her as just a kid.

Rey rolled over on the couch, annoyed with her brain. She wasn’t a kid anymore. Not only was she eighteen, but she was starting junior college in the fall. She was paying for it herself. Not to mention she currently worked two jobs, for Christ’s sake. 

The one thing Rey had learned early on was that she wasn’t like most people her age. Her childhood had forced her to grow up much more quickly than normal, something which Ben knew all about. 

He knew her. 

So why did she still get the feeling he didn’t think of her as an adult? She was an adult, why couldn’t he see that?

Rey’s self reflection was interrupted when she heard what she could have sworn was a whimper coming from Ben’s room. She sat up, sure she was hallucinating, but then she heard it again, only this time it was accompanied by a muttered “no”. 

What the hell? Was Ben having a nightmare?

Rey stood up and padded softly towards the door he’d slammed earlier. Another, longer whimper hit her ears and she reached her hand towards the knob, retreating at the last minute, hesitant to open it. She didn’t want to invade his space. Maybe she was overreacting?

But then he cried out again.

“Fuck it.” She turned the handle and went into the bedroom. 

Ben was lying on his back, starfishing on the queen bed. The first thing Rey noticed as she approached that he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and the only thought that went through her head was how gorgeous he was. Pale skin, dotted with the same beauty marks that decorated his face, covered a massive expanse of muscle and masculinity.

Momentarily distracted by his beauty, Rey climbed up onto the bed and just took in the sight of him until twitched and another sound of distress left his lips. Refocusing, she looked down at his face and became aware of the fact that his hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat and his eyes were moving rapidly under his lids. She knew it was REM sleep, but it made him appear frantic.

“Stop, please,” he muttered and Rey’s heart broke for him.

“Ben.” Rey got up on her knees and crawled over the bed to reach out for him. “Ben, wake up.” Rey extended her arm, placing her hand on his chest to shake him. Ben startled awake almost immediately and grabbed her arm and yanked, throwing off her balance so that she fell halfway across his chest. She was close enough to his face to see that his eyes were still in that unfocused, not quite awake, state.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Ben. You were dreaming.”

“Rey?”

“It’s me. Are you okay?”

He released her immediately, but she didn’t back away. Instead she curled into his side and put her hand on his chest. His heart was racing, and his breath continued to come in rapid gasps so Rey made hushing noises, watching him raise his hand to his face in an effort to wipe away the nightmare.

“You shouldn’t be in here.” His words were at odds with his actions as he wrapped his arm around her, and she smiled as he pulled her close.

“Shut up, Solo. I’m comforting you.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is short. And I’m sorry.

Rey woke up slowly, an unfamiliar warmth behind her. Opening her eyes, she took stock of where she was and remembered that she’d crawled into bed with Ben the night before. A heavy weight was pressing down on her side and she realized that at some point during the night Ben had wrapped his arm around her and they had ended up spooning. Rey closed her eyes again and shifted into his warmth. She had no idea sleeping with another person could be so enjoyable. The few times she and Finn had shared a bed he’d driven her crazy with his kicking. And the guy she’d dated for a few months before the Plutt incident hadn’t ever slept over because she hadn’t really liked him that much.

She closed her eyes and fell blissfully back asleep, coming awake again only when Ben stirred. His grip on her tightened and he let out a long hot breath on the back of her neck. She felt goosebumps raise over her flesh as he nuzzled her hair and pressed his lips against her skin, bringing her fully awake. Rey became aware of several other things all at once. First, the hand that had been slung over her ribs earlier, was now resting on her left boob. Second, a massive thigh had settled between her legs and was slowly rubbing against her, creating a delicious friction at her core. And third, there was an obvious hardness pressing into her ass.

“Mmm.” The hand on her boob squeezed and Rey felt her nipple pebble.

She cleared her throat. “Morning, Solo.”

The big body behind her froze for a brief moment and then immediately sprung into movement. “Fuck!” Ben rolled off the bed without grace, nearly falling on the floor. “God fucking damnit.” Rey sat up and watched him, amusement warring with disappointment. 

“I— Jesus, Rey, I’m sorry.” He was running his hand through his hair, not making eye contact. 

“Ben—”

“I’m a fucking creep.” He rubbed his forehead, and Rey watched him crawl into himself. Not wanting a repeat of whatever weird shame spiral she’d sent him into last night, she jumped out of bed and wrapped her hands around his wrists, pulling his hands off his face.

“Chill the fuck out, Ben. It’s not like I’ve never had a hand on my boob.”

“You gonna elaborate on that?” He narrowed his eyes.

Eyebrow raised, she countered him. 

“You gonna stop acting like I’m twelve?” 

“That’s fucking irrelevant,” he said as he pulled his wrists out of her grip.

“I need more coffee to have this conversation.” She turned and started walking out of the bedroom.

“We aren’t having this conversation, kid.”

Rey stopped and turned around to look at him. 

“I’m not a kid. I’m not even a virgin.”

“For the love of—“. Rey held up a hand to cut him off. 

“Coffee first.”

She walked into his living room and took a minute to dig through her boxes. Finding her mug, the one he had given her, she moved into the kitchen and started searching for a way to make coffee. She knew Ben was a hardened caffeine addict so she wasn’t surprised to see a coffee maker, beans, and a coffee grinder all easily accessible. She prepared the pot and pushed the brew button, then leaned against the counter while she waited for her brain to wake up.

Rey listened to Ben stomping around in the bedroom and was pouring herself a cup of coffee into the mug he’d bought her last year when he stormed into the kitchen, a frown on his face. Taking a sip, she moaned, a sound which stopped him dead in his tracks.

“Damn, Solo, this is good coffee.”

“It’s better with cream.” He gave her a look. “Seriously, jailbait, can you put on some pants? You’re fucking killing me.”

“I don’t get it.”

He opened the fridge and pulled out the cream, so his question came out muffled. “Get what?”

“I’m eighteen.”

“And I’m almost thirty.”

Rey shrugged. “So?”

He slammed the half and half container down on the counter, and grabbed a mug from the cupboard. His back expanded under a deep inhale, and he ran his fingers through his hair before turning back to face her.

“So, I can’t...this isn’t how...fuck.” He poured himself a cup of coffee and Rey watched, noticing that his hands shook while he did so. She let him finish adding cream and sugar and stayed quiet while he drank, looking at her over the edge of the mug.

“I knew you were surrounded by judgmental assholes. I didn’t think you believed they were right.”

He put his cup down and Rey saw some emotion pass over his face that she didn’t pinpoint. Like pain, or resignation.

“Rey, all things being equal, you don’t know shit about me.”

She sucked in a breath, oddly hurt by his words. 

“I know you’ve always been there when I needed you.” She said it because she needed him to know. Needed him to understand how important he was to her. But he didn’t take it the way she thought he would because all it did was cause a sneer to form on his full lips. 

“And how much longer do you expect me to play your fucking knight in shining armor, Rey? Because I’m pretty fucking tired of trying to live up to your goddamned expectations.” 

Rey jumped as he threw his mug in the sink, shattering it, but he didn’t let up.

“You don’t know me. You don’t know what I’m like when you aren’t here.”

She shifted, uncomfortable with the truth of his statements, but he either didn’t notice or didn’t care because he continued his rant.

“I see you once every few months when your life literally falls to shit. You’re a fucking high school student, and I’m a piece of shit adrenaline junky with a bad habit of fucking women in bathrooms.” He stalked towards her and Rey backed up, hating herself for letting him intimidate her, which caused her to lose her grip on her temper.

“Jesus Christ, Solo, I’m trying to tell you none of that fucking matters, what the hell is your problem?”

He leaned over her, slapping a hand on the wall next to her and invading her space. 

“My problem is you don’t know what you’re fucking doing Rey. Wandering around my house in your panties?” He leaned into her and Rey managed to maintain eye contact with him without spilling her coffee, but she suddenly didn’t feel safe with him for the first time in her life. The fact that he was terrifying her on purpose didn’t seem to make a difference to her nervous system, and the urge to flee only increased as his voice lowered and his eyes raked over her.

“You want me to bend you over the counter, Rey? You want to be added to my long list of faceless fucks, is that what you’re after?”

“Fuck you.” Her voice shook, and it seemed to have made a bit of an impression, because his tone softened slightly when he next spoke.

“I don’t do relationships, especially not with a goddamned eighteen year old. And no matter what my dick thinks sweetheart, I know you’re worth more than a quick fuck in a bathroom. So stop acting like this is your happily ever after, kid, because it’s fucking not.”

“You’re an asshole.” Rey glared up at him.

He backed up and raised his head and his hands to the sky before loading proclaiming, “Yes I am!”

“Fuck you, Solo.” She clung to her mug and walked quickly into the living room. Her pants from last night were folded up on the couch, and she grabbed them, quickly pulling them on in an effort to cover herself. He’d managed to make her state of undress sound wrong and shameful, like she was somehow using it to trick him. 

Gulping down the rest of her coffee, she slammed her mug down on the coffee table and pulled on her shoes, forgoing socks in her haste to get out of the apartment and away from whatever creature had been unleashed in the kitchen. Reaching for her purse, she pulled her cell phone out and texted Finn, letting him know she would be coming by early and asking him if there was a spare key. No way in hell was she staying here another minute.

“Are you leaving, then?” 

She looked up at him, leaning against the wall that separated the kitchen from the living room. He had that unreadable expression on his face again, like someone had kicked his puppy, even though she was the one fleeing.

“No I’m fucking rearranging your furniture.”

He sighed and looked down at his feet, but Rey was too angry to try to interpret his body language. Instead, she zipped up her suitcase and gathered her things. 

“It’s better if you aren’t here.”

She pawed violently through the blankets looking for her sunglasses. “Yeah, you made that really clear, thanks.”

“Better for you.”

“You keep telling yourself that.” She stomped over to him and poked him hard in the chest, forcing his gaze back up to her face. “You keep this shit up and you’ll end up completely fucking alone.” Silence settled over them as she waited for him to respond, but he just stared and worked his jaw. “Fine, have it your way.”

Turning back to her searching, she finally dug her sunglasses out from in between the couch cushions and reached for her coffee mug.

“I’ll get you a hotel room until Finn comes back.”

Laughing humorlessly, she straightened. “Don’t bother. I can take care of myself.”

She watched him look at her out of the corner of her eye. “Yeah, I know.”

Rey grabbed her suitcase, glancing briefly at the box of stuff she’d brought up. “I’ll send someone to pick up my shit. Lose my number, Solo.”

He just nodded. “Cya around, kid.”

******

He’d gone almost immediately to the bar after Rey walked out of his apartment. It had taken everything he’d had not to run after her and grovel out an apology. She was the last person he had, the only one he had, and he’d pushed her right out the door.

It was for the best, really. He corrupted everything he touched. Better she get away before he corrupted her too.

By 6:00 Ben was drunk. Drunker than he’d been in a long time. The woman he’d dragged into the bathroom was almost as intoxicated as he was and was giggling and stumbling as she fumbled with his belt. Her hair was brown and he frowned in confusion as he looked at her loose up-do. 

The women were almost always blonde. Occasionally he found a redhead. But never brunettes. There was a reason for that, but no matter what he did he couldn’t remember what it was or why he never pulled brunettes into the bathroom with him.

A rough hand grabbed his cock, pulling him out of his head, and he stumbled into the body it was attached to, burying his face in the brown hair.

“Turn around.”

The woman complied with a lopsided grin, and Ben pulled her against him, rubbing himself on her ass as they stumbled towards the counter. He closed his eyes and pushed his face into her brown locks again, then entered her with a groan.

“Fuck, Rey.” 

He knew the moment he said it how wrong it was. All of this was so very wrong. The not-Rey turned slightly and slapped his face hard.

“My name’s Laura, asshole.”

This was why he never pulled brunettes into the bathroom. He’d made that rule for a reason.

And suddenly Ben couldn’t take it anymore, any of it. He pulled out and scrambled away from the woman, before turning and puking into the toilet.

“Jesus, you’re a mess.” 

Ben swept a hand through his hair and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. “Yeah, I really am.”

The brunette rolled her eyes while she pulled down her skirt and left the bathroom with a look of disgust. Emptying the contents of his stomach once again, Ben didn’t hear the door open and close a second time over the noise he was making. When he was hauled up to his feet by a hand around the neck of his shirt, he wasn’t exactly sure what was happening, but when the same hand punched him right in the nose it was surprising how quickly he got his bearings.

“You fucking called my cousin by some other woman’s name?”

The fight that ensued was enough to get Ben a black eye and some bruised ribs, and the guy who’d started it was sporting two black eyes, a swollen lip and, if Ben was right, a few broken knuckles. He hadn’t gotten a very good look at the other man’s hand before he was thrown out of the bar on his ass. Luckily, no one had called the cops. The last thing Ben needed was to have to explain to Poe why he’d spent the night in jail and missed his shift. 

Stumbling, he walked the three miles home, nearly sober by the time he made it into the house, before falling into his mattress, fully clothed and bleeding.

When someone knocked on his door at the ungodly hour of seven am, he opened it with one eye closed and the other squinting. The person standing before him was familiar.

“Finn, right?”

The younger man looked him up and down. “Jesus, you look like shit.”

Ben just opened the door wider and gestured to the living room, stepping aside so Finn could come in.

“Rey’s stuff is over there.”

Finn picked up the box and quickly moved back to the door. Ben was ready to shut it when the younger man turned to look at him.

“What you said to Rey was pretty fucked up, man. She always thought of you as her friend.”

Guilt flooded him, knowing the other man was right. But he wasn’t about to let some kid tell him how to behave or try to fix him so instead he straightened to his full height and glared at Rey’s friend.

“She deserves better than some train wreck ten years older than her. You know it, I know it. Now she knows it.”

And with that, he slammed the door in Finn’s face.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is super long compared to the last chapter. A lot happens and there are a couple of time jumps. And still angst?
> 
> I appreciate you guys trusting me.

4 months later

 

Rey was drunk. She’d been drunk before, but this was a whole new level of inebriation. Finn had turned twenty and they were celebrating his birthday with some friends at their place. They’d bought some vodka and Rey had been astounded by how it tasted like absolutely nothing, except for the burning in her throat which had long since passed.

The apartment she and Finn were renting was a terrible, run down, bars-on-the-windows kind of walk up. But Rey had her own room, and there was a fire escape that ran along the outside of the building past the window in the living room which allowed them to pretend they had a patio.

Finn had invited a few friends over that he’d met through his new job. He’d gotten a receptionist post at the community college and the gig came with reduced tuition. Rey had been pleasantly surprised that he’d managed to recover from the heroine after six months in a rehab facility. The fact that he had cut off contact with his sugar daddy had helped. At this point Finn had been clean for almost a year. The folks he’d invited by were all about his age, maybe a little older, and Rey had been excited to meet them. She’d even enjoyed their company until they’d started talking about one of the instructors at the community college where they all worked.

“He’s a fucking pervert, Finn.” Rose slurred her words as she gestured wildly with her mug. A petite woman, she’d been able to throw back a lot of liquor before she seemed to be affected by it. But everyone was drunk at this point. 

“Why is he a pervert?” Rey was having difficulty following the conversation.

“Because, he is.” Rose nodded to herself drunkenly before continuing. “He dated a student and he’s in his thirties. Like, Nabokov shit, you know?”

Frowning Rey looked into her cup and and discovered it was empty. She didn’t remember finishing her drink and reached for the vodka bottle.

“But Lolita was like thirteen. All the students there are adults.”

“But it’s the principle of the thing, Rey.” Rose shook her head adamantly. “Men in power using that power to seduce younger women at their mercy is gross.”

“Maybe she was into him.” Rey poured more vodka into her cup and threw it back, shuddering.

“But that doesn’t matter! You can’t have a relationship between two people that starts off with a fundamental power imbalance. That’s not healthy.” Rose emphasized her theory with a nod and Rey narrowed her eyes at the other girl. 

Finn reached out to her, knowing what was coming, but she avoided his hand and stood unsteadily. Vodka bottle still gripped in her fist, she pointed it at the other girl.

“Bullshit, Rose. That’s just fucking bullshit. You’re telling me you’d rather she date some loser her own age because of a perceived power imbalance that makes you uncomfortable? You don’t have any fucking idea what their relationship is like. You’re putting your judgmental fake woke bullshit on her because she’s not doing what you think she should.”

“Rey—” Finn tried to stop her rant but she wasn’t interested and cut him off.

“What if she loves him, Rose? What if he’s her person?” Finn’s friend was looking at her with wide eyes and Rey deflated. She sounded pathetic and she hated it.

Finn sighed and looked at her with sad eyes. She knew he knew exactly who she was thinking about.

“Sorry.” She handed the vodka to Finn who took it without prompting. “I’m drunk.” She stumbled to her bedroom and fell into her bed, the world around her spinning. 

“Peanut? You okay?”

Rey rolled over onto her back and stared at the ceiling, resisting the urge to vomit while she felt a tear run down her face. 

“I miss him. That’s messed up, right?”

Finn walked over to the bed and lay down next to her. 

“He’s messed up, Rey. Like, seriously messed up. To say that shit to you?” His hand grabbed hers and Rey closed her eyes briefly, letting her world spiral into oblivion.

“I still miss him.”

 

******

 

8 months later

 

The fire was completely out of control. Billowing smoke could be seen a block away as the engines arrived on the scene of the warehouse, and more than one station had responded requiring a coordinated effort from the response teams. The building was a huge industrial space, and water trucks and pump engines were surrounding the blaze, in addition to several police cruisers and a news team.

Ben adjusted his mask and respirator. He’d been inside for over thirty minutes and he was drenched in sweat, causing the mask to slip down his face. The chaos of these huge industrial fires was one of his least favorite aspects of the job. Luckily for him, he wasn’t in charge. Poe and Bodhi were taking lead and he saw them gesturing to focus on the hot spots that were popping up in the northeast corner of the building. Ben gave them the thumbs up as best he could in his bulky gloves and headed in that direction.

Phasma was behind him and he led the way towards the hotspots, taking note of all the fuel lying around the interior of the warehouse. Industrial fires were always the most dangerous and in a place like this where no one really knew what they were surrounded by, it was easy to go from safe to dead in a split second. Ben made his way to the corner where Poe had directed him and pulled his axe out, getting to work cutting through and eliminating a path for the fire to expand. The hose trucks were spraying, but while there was mist that hung in the air, the heat of the fire was enough to make the water evaporate before it even hit the structure. Ben and Phasma worked to chop through the debris and keep the fire from having ready access to the fuel when Ben heard an ominous groan.

“Phas, eyes open.”

The tall woman stood up straight and the two of them took stock of their surroundings. Poe and Bodhi were visible through some of the smoke and flame in the middle of the open warehouse, and a few other figures he couldn’t recognize were entering the building. The groaning sound hit his ears again and he saw Phasma snap her gaze up. He followed and realized the loft above them was in the process of collapsing.

“Move, move!”

Phasma and he rushed to get out of the corner, but without warning the pile of debris and old disposal barrels that had been half hidden under tarps in the center of the warehouse literally exploded in a green-yellow haze. The concussion knocked them both back, and Ben slammed into the floor, his axe flying out of his hand. He rolled onto his side to push himself up and saw his partner lying about twenty yards away. He looked up at the loft, back at Phasma, and over towards the open warehouse, where the rest of his team was actively trying to get a handle on the explosion.

He made a decision and moved as quickly as he could towards Phasma, ignoring the searing pain in his side as he did so. Bending down, he assessed her. She was unconscious and her mask was cracked. The left side of her face was bloodied and without the respirator she had been inhaling whatever toxic crap was in the industrial smoke. Needing to get her out of here, he bent down and lifted her. Her gear added to her weight and, as he stood, his side screamed at him. He heard another groaning whine come from the structure above him, followed by cracking. When he looked up realized there was no way he’d get out from underneath the structure before it collapsed.

His last thought, as he saw Poe gesturing wildly at him, was to wonder whether anyone would think to tell Rey he’d died.

 

******

 

“Finn! I’m late. Where the hell did you put my keys?”

Rey heard a mumbled answer come out of her roommate’s bedroom, and cursed under her breath. Today was her first day of classes for the semester and she didn’t want to be late. She’d worked a double shift at the market yesterday and had gotten up later than she’d meant to, and while she wasn’t technically late yet, her plan to be there thirty minutes early was slowly slipping away.

Moving like a whirlwind in her haste to get out of the house, she dug her hands into the worn cushions of the second hand sofa and felt the edge of something poke into her fingers. Success! She yanked the large keychain out of the cushions and slung her purse over her shoulder.

“Never mind Finn! See you tonight.” 

A mumbled farewell followed her as she grabbed her book bag and ran down the stairs, avoiding the drunk guy who slept in the apartment building entrance as she exited into the sunshine. She threw her bags into the backseat of her car before settling herself into the driver’s seat and starting up the roaring ignition.

The radio came on loudly and Rey quickly lowered the volume and changed the station before pulling out onto the street. There was a college station she liked to listen to that played local bands in the mornings, so she set the radio to those call numbers as she pulled up to the light. The local news was also broadcast by the university station and as she listened to the news report, a pit began to form in her stomach.

“—warehouse fire.” The announcers voice was low and serious and Rey’s discomfort increased as he continued. “There were reports of multiple injuries and at least one fatality has been confirmed. The fire continued to burn through the night and the city has begun an investigation into the owner of the warehouse, as apparently the fire chief had been informed the building was empty of industrial chemicals. Explosions from the industrial waste rocked the neighborhood—"

Rey switched the radio off and took a deep breath. It couldn’t be Ben. It couldn’t. 

A horn beeped behind her and she realized the light was green. Accelerating, she drove as quickly as she could towards her destination in the rust bucket she called a car. She pulled into the parking lot at the junior college and reached into the backseat to pull out her purse. Digging through it and unmindful of the debris that was flying everywhere as she tossed things aside, she grabbed her phone and rushed to unlock it, not succeeding until her second try because her hands were shaking so badly.

Rey hadn’t deleted his number, so she hit the call button and waited. It rang. And rang. And went to voicemail. 

“Fuck.” She called him again. Voicemail again. Her throat was closing up and she refused to acknowledge that she was panicking. Instead she hit the send button on the phone aggressively, listening to the ringing sound until it went to his voicemail for a third time, and she decided to leave a message. Some part of her brain concluded that if she left him a voicemail, he’d have to be alive to call her back. 

“God damnit Solo, you’d better not be dead.”

Ever the pragmatist, Rey jumped out of her car and walked quickly to her class, knowing there was nothing else to be done until afterwards. She checked her phone periodically throughout, trying to do so in such a way so as to not draw attention to herself and keeping the thing on silent.

But there was nothing. No texts, no calls. 

She barely managed to pay enough attention to get the weeks’ assignment before the class was over and she was running hurriedly back to her car. She only had the one class today, and she was scheduled to work in an hour, but she couldn’t not know, so she drove out of her way to the fire station. Parking, she exited the car in a rush and ran across the street to the door. The bay doors weren’t open, so she rang the doorbell and waited impatiently for someone, anyone, to put her out of her misery.

When the door opened a face she barely recognize looked down at her. Olive skin with curly hair. He had a mellow, open expression and she knew they’d met at some point but she couldn’t be bothered to make an effort to remember him.

“Ben Solo.” It wasn’t even a question, just his name. It was all she was capable of. The man in front of her sighed. 

“Rey.”

“Where is he?” It was a demand, she knew. She wasn’t trying to be rude, but really, she didn’t have time for this.

“St. Katherine’s. He’s in ICU.”

Rey didn’t thank him. She just turned around and hopped back in her car. Her shift started in fifteen minutes and she was already going to be late. But at least now she didn’t have to worry about whether or not Ben Solo was dead.

 

******

 

“What do you mean I can’t see him?” 

Rey was going to lose her temper. She’d gone to the hospital straight from her shift at the market and wasn’t in the mood for whatever bullshit the woman behind the desk was feeding her. She was tired, hungry, and desperate to see Ben. The charge nurse looked up from her desk.

“First of all, visiting hours are over. Secondly, immediate family only.”

“But I’m his cousin.”

“That doesn’t count, sweetie.”

Rey leaned over the desk, her grip on the countertop so strong her knuckles were white. 

“I need to see him.”

The nurse took off her reading glasses and gave her a sympathetic look.

“Honey, unless you come back with a power of attorney or an immediate family member, you have to wait until he’s out of ICU.”

Growling, Rey turned her back to the woman and hugged herself. Knowing Ben Solo was so close yet so far was maddening. So what if they hadn’t spoken in a year. Did it matter? How could she let that bother her when he had almost _died_?

Rey saw the door to the ICU wing open from the other side as several physicians dressed in scrubs came out. She saw her chance to run, and the nurse in front of her knew it. 

Rey bolted.

“Miss, thats not a good idea!”

Sprinting, she barreled into the startled physicians before they could react, and ran into the ICU bay. Rey took in her environment quickly, not stopping her forward momentum. The patients were in individual rooms configured in a circle around a central nurses’ station. She glanced quickly into each one as she jogged through the restricted area until she saw him and stopped dead. Her hands went to her mouth and she slowed her approach to his room, shocked by what she saw.

He seemed to be unconscious and the entire right side of his face was under bandages. The part of his face that wasn’t bandaged was hidden under a respirator apparatus. He had an IV bag and as she moved closer she noticed there was another large bandage on his left side and his right ankle was in a cast. 

In short, he was a mess.

Rey barely registered the tears rolling down her cheeks as she approached his bed and reached for his hand. 

“Damnit, Solo,” she whispered. The blips of the heart monitor and the rhythmic in and out of the respirator were the only sounds in the room. Rey squeezed his hand and let her eyes devour him. 

How had she managed to go a whole year without seeing him?

“Miss, you really can’t be in here.”

Rey turned around and saw the charge nurse she’d spoken to earlier with a security guard. She released Ben’s hand and wiped the tears off her face. 

“Yeah, sorry.” 

The security guard held out his arm, gesturing for her to leave. She took one last look at him and moved to exit the room. The nurse decided to take pity on her, placing a warm hand on Rey’s shoulder as she walked past. 

“He’s doing remarkably well. The surgery went great and he’ll probably have a full recovery.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll let him know you came by, okay?”

Rey just nodded and let the security guard escort her out, promising herself she’d be back.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m not a physician, and while I do have some medical background, recovery times here are completely made up.
> 
> That being said, someone wakes up.

Eight days later

 

When Ben woke up the first thing he registered was that everything, from his toes to his eyelashes, hurt. The second thing, which caused him no small amount of panic, was that he couldn’t see out of one eye. A quick hand to the face, accompanied by a groan, confirmed his vision was obscured by a bandage sending a rush of relief through him. Finally, the third thing he registered was that there was a nurse standing over him, changing out the bag on his IV. She smiled at him as he frowned up at her. 

“There you are. Welcome back, Mr. Solo.” 

“Where am I?” His voice sounded rough to his ears and his throat hurt. 

“St. Katherine’s.” Ben struggled to sit up but was stopped by a searing pain in his side. “Careful, you don’t want to pop your sutures.”

Sutures? 

“What happened?” 

“I’ll leave the details to your physician, but you were in an accident.” The nurse finished changing his line and gave him a quick grin. “That warehouse fire made the news.”

“Phasma?” Ben swallowed in an effort to make his voice work.

“Who now?” The nurse cocked her head. 

“Another firefighter. Katherine Phasma.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know who that is, Mr. Solo. You came here alone. Although you did have a visitor, briefly.”

That surprised him. 

“Who?”

“She didn’t say. A cousin.”

Ben blinked. It was impossible. How did she even know he was here?

“I’ll send the Doctor in.” The nurse smiled as she departed.

Ben just nodded as she walked out of the room, trying to asses the damage. Luckily for him, the physician on call entered a few moments later and laid it out for him. Apparently, he’d been crushed under the structure when it collapsed. A large gash had been carved out of his face and shoulder, and he’d been impaled by something, rebar he’d guess, resulting in him having had abdominal surgery. He’d also broken an ankle and cracked a few ribs, though whether the latter was from the explosion or being crushed, no one could say. The doctor assured him he’d make a full recovery, asked him if he’d had any questions, and then left when Ben had said no. 

He’d also pointed out the little red button which was attached to the morphine drip for pain management. Ben had told him that he wouldn’t be using it under any circumstances and the physician had told him to let the nurse know if the ibuprofen wasn’t cutting it.

The plastic surgeon had visited him earlier as well and looked at the injury to his face and neck. He’d seemed pleased with the way it was healing and indicated to Ben that it wouldn’t scar too badly. Then the abdominal surgeon had assessed him, inspected his sutures and told him she would follow up in a few days.

They moved him later that day to a different room out of ICU which had a phone, a television, and a great view of the roof and the A/C unit. He contemplated calling someone, his family maybe, but he didn’t want to. And frankly he suspected Poe probably had. At this point his ex roommate was closer to his parents than he was. 

No, his lack of companionship at the moment was more likely due to his parents thinking he didn’t need them than to them not knowing he was here. It was both welcome and unwelcome, the knowledge that they weren’t going to attempt to play at caring. But he felt himself oddly dissatisfied with his solitude.

In fact, that whole day, no one came to see him. And if he were being honest with himself, he was a little saddened by that. He expected his crew to at least stop by for their obligatory visit. But as he sat in the hospital bed, watching the clock tick by, flipping through the television stations, he became uncomfortably aware that no one was coming.

He had finally, successfully, completely isolated himself. So why was he still so damn miserable? 

Ben sighed. He was in pain, he was tired, and he was bored out of his damned mind.

Turning the TV off with a growl, he tried to get comfortable in the hospital bed and wondered briefly if he’d be able to sleep without nightmares. They’d given him some high dose of ibuprofen, but he still refused to use the magical morphine button, so saying he was uncomfortable was an understatement. 

Eventually, though, his eyelids drooped and he fell into a fitful sleep.

Hours later, he felt the hospital mattress sag. He was further surprised when a small female form slid into the bed with him. It had been months but he recognized the fragrance that was specific to her. 

To Rey.

He winced as she reached her arm around his chest, but adjusted his injured shoulder to allow her space to get comfortable.

“Move over, Solo.” Her voice was quiet, whispered into the dark and he responded in kind. 

“You do realize I’m injured, right?” She paused her movements. 

“Did I hurt you?”

“Not yet.” 

“Go back to sleep. I’ll be here in the morning.” She threw her leg over his hips and snuggled closer.

“They’ll make you leave.” Ben looked down at her, a thousand questions forming on the tip of his tongue.

“They can try.” She snorted. “The nurse likes me.”

Her head was resting on his injured shoulder and he shifted slightly to adjust her so she wasn’t directly on his wound, then he leaned back and took a deep breath, wondering if he’d died and this was some dream. In an effort to determine whether this was real life or not, Ben squeezed Rey softly with his hand, wincing only slightly at the movement. She responded by clenching her hand into a fist over his ribs and shuddering. For a moment he thought she was mad at him, but when she spoke in a shaky voice he realized she was crying.

“You almost died, asshole.” 

It was a harsh whisper and Ben didn’t know how to respond, so all he said was “Yeah.”

“Don’t do it again.”

He wrapped his arm around her best he could and closed his eyes. “Ok.”

 

******

Ben woke up to the sound of someone clearing their throat. His eyes opened slowly and he took in the sight of his nurse standing over him with a grin on her face.

“Cousin, eh?” 

Ben glared at her, but before he had a chance to respond, the warm body next to him shifted.

“I lied.” Rey stifled a yawn as she spoke.

“You’re just full of surprises.” The nurse shook her head as she changed out his IV.

Rey sat up and rolled off the bed while Ben allowed the nurse to prod at him, checking his lines and his bandages. He caught Rey watching, biting her lips, arms crossed over her chest. She looked concerned and it broke his heart a little to think that she was worried about him. Especially after how they’d parted. 

He didn’t deserve her sympathy.

“All right, everything looks good.” She picked up the opioid drip and gave him a look. “You still refusing to use this?”

“Yes.” It came out as a growl and the nurse quirked an eyebrow at him.

“I’ll get you some more ibuprofen.” The nurse gave Rey a wink as she left and Ben watched her exit. When he turned his gaze back to Rey she was assessing him, a small frown on her face.

“I’m still mad at you.”

He huffed. “You’ve got a funny way of showing it.”

“Why won’t you use that?” She gestured to the red button. 

The last thing he wanted to do was explain his aversion to morphine, so he changed the subject. 

“Why are you here?”

She looked down before taking a seat in the plastic visitors chair, and when her gaze lifted back up to his her frown had deepened. It twisted something in his chest to see the hurt in her eyes.

“You never called me. Not a single time.”

“I distinctly remember you telling me to lose your number.” Adjusting his position so he was sitting up more, he crossed his arms over his chest, wincing at the way it pulled on his injuries. It never occurred to him his radio silence wasn’t exactly what she’d wanted, but her expression had him rethinking things. 

It’s not like he hadn’t thought about it. 

But every time he considered checking in with her he’d remember why she needed to stay away from him and it was easy to resist the need to see how she was.

What she was, what she had been, was safe. Away from him, and free. Which was where he had expected her to stay.

“Hmm.” She turned to look out the window. “Your view sucks.”

Smiling to himself, he found he had to disagree with her. She’d changed a bit since he’d seen her last. Matured. Her hair was shorter and she was wearing less makeup, which highlighted her eyes. She was gorgeous. 

He frowned. 

Clearly a year of not seeing her hadn’t lessened his attraction in the least. It was terrifying. He schooled his features before she caught him staring like some lovesick puppy. 

“So, how long are you gonna be mad at me?”

When she turned back to look at him a small smile was on her lips. 

“That depends.”

“On?”

Shaking her head, she stood, slinging her purse over her shoulder and winked at him. 

“Coffee first.”

“I’m not sure I’m allowed to have coffee.”

She gasped in mock horror. 

“I’ll check with Janet.”

“Who?”

“Your nurse. You really are an asshole if you don’t know the name of your nurse.” He knew she was teasing him but it still seemed unfair.

“I was unconscious!”

“Excuses, excuses.”

She waltzed out of his room and Ben leaned back into the pillows, his world reeling. His equilibrium wasn’t helped by the fact that he was still recovering from having a building collapse on him, but if he were being honest it was mostly due to Rey. Memories of the way they had parted last year were running through his head and he was really beginning to think he owed her an apology. Especially given she’d obviously expected him to reach out to her regardless of what she’d said.

He’d convinced himself she’d move on, forget her unlikely infatuation, and he’d been more than happy to let her. For her sake. Apparently all he’d done is disappoint her further. His frown deepened and he was pulled from his musings by her return.

“So I have good news and bad news.”

“And?”

“Good news. There was coffee at the nurses station and Janet let me have some.” His eyes followed her as she walked around the foot of the bed and came over to sit next to him, carefully avoiding bumping into his injured side. 

“Bad news is you can’t have any.” She held eye contact while she drank from the paper cup.

The silence between them stretched. 

“Rey—”

“Don’t apologize.”

He frowned. 

“I was an—”

“Asshole. Yes. You were.” She took another sip of her coffee and then looked down to play with the edge of the cup. “You were kind of right about some of it though.”

Ben blinked with his one eye. He was never right. He was dying to know where she was going with this.

“I expected you to rescue me. You’d always helped me and I just—” She paused and bit her lip. “I guess I just assumed that meant you were the answer to all my problems. You were my last hope, you know?”

He felt a wave of guilt hit him, regretting the horrible way he’d handled their last conversation.

“That’s fucking depressing.”

Surprisingly, she smiled. 

“I’m over it.”

“You’re over it?”

“Yup.” She put her coffee down. “I’ve matured. I’m very mature now.”

He felt his lips twitch. “Usually people don’t have to announce that kind of thing.”

“You haven’t been around me for months, and you’re kind of slow.”

“I’m slow?” He pointed to his chest with his uninjured arm.

“And clearly at a disadvantage.” The look she gave him was pitiful, and she nodded before reaching out and touching the bandage over his eye. “When does this come off?”

“I have no idea.”

“I really need to get to work.” Frowning she dropped her hand and stood. Ben watched her gather her purse and her coffee, and he swallowed his pride.

“It was good seeing you, Rey.” He choked up on the rest of things he wanted to say, and worked his mouth in an effort to keep the emotional mess from spilling out. Things like thanking her for visiting and hoping she was happy and, god, no he wasn’t going to ask her to stay or come back or anything like that. 

But it turned out he didn’t have to.

In fact she just rolled her eyes at his struggles. 

“I’m coming back.”

“Why?” He was so startled by her casual confession his mouth opened before he could think.

This time she actually stopped and frowned at him. 

“One day, Solo, you and I are going to have a conversation about why you decided you were a piece of shit.” Ben clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. 

“My origin story isn’t that interesting.” He turned away from her and looked out the window. “Go to work.”

“See you later, grump.”

 

******

Rey visited him daily until he was released two weeks later. He eventually had other visitors as well. Poe had come with the crew, and Ben had been surprised to see that some of them were actually concerned about him. 

But when Poe had told him Phasma hadn’t made it, he’d had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from reacting in front of a room full of people. Ben had felt guilt and anger rip through him as Poe explained her injuries and added that a funeral had been held while Ben was unconscious, taking away his ability to grieve. 

Mitaka had just stared at him with an expressionless face, and Ben had almost asked him, no dared him, to come out and say it was his fault. But he had managed to restrain himself.

His parents never came to visit, although his father called him a single time and left a message. It had been nearly ten years since he’d set foot in their house and had anything close to a normal conversation with either of them, so he wasn’t really surprised. 

But he’d almost died, for Christ’s sake. 

It was obviously too much to expect. Clearly there were too many bad memories. His parents complete unwillingness to acknowledge what had happened to him had made it easier for him to leave them behind. 

Why it had been so easy for them to let him go he may never know.

Thinking about it brought back all of the rage and sadness and feelings of abandonment, and he resented the fact that while stuck in the hospital bed he’d had little else to do besides think.

Because his mother had known. 

Or at least suspected, which under the circumstances really amounted to the same thing. 

This had been her confession to him one night in a drunken stupor shortly before he’d left home for good. He’d been shocked and infuriated and so devastated by the knowledge that she’d all but allowed Snoke to do what he’d done, he had stopped talking to her. He’d moved out the minute he could, passed the test to become a firefighter and now, here he was, a decade later recovering from death in a hospital bed with nothing more than a phone call.

Abandonment had never felt so real.

And then, there was Rey. 

She’d become a constant presence in his life over the last few weeks. It was nothing at all like the random crisis points that led her to him out of desperation and having no where else to go over the years prior. She’d visited almost daily, chatting up his nurse until he felt like they were conspiring against him, and then his suspicions were confirmed when he was discharged into her care.

“What do you mean "discharged into your care”?”

Rey had smirked while she signed paperwork and he glared up at her from his obligatory wheelchair.

“Remember when you signed all that crap making me your emergency contact?” He did, and had suspected at the time it was a trap but had stupidly kept his mouth shut.

“If I said no, would it make this go away?”

“No.” She smiled.

“Wonderful.”

Rey turned around and leaned over, putting her hands on the arms of the wheelchair, and ginned wickedly. 

“You’re stuck with me, Solo.”

Ben rolled the chair back abruptly and she stumbled, letting go of the wheelchair with a curse and causing his lips to twitch. 

“You’re in over your head, jailbait.”

Her gaze narrowed. “You’re in no position to dictate.”

He just raised his eyebrows and maneuvered around her, rolling himself down the hall to the exit, and yelled over his shoulder.

“We’ll see!”

Whatever efforts he’d made to flee, however, had been thwarted when they’d exited the hospital and he’d realized several things. First, his truck wasn’t here so regardless of his desire for independence he needed a ride from Rey. Second, he actually struggled to get up out of the wheelchair and he was walking with crutches because of his ankle. So even if his truck had been here he’d still need a ride. 

He was doomed. 

An opinion he was more than willing to share with Rey.

“We’re doomed to be together, aren’t we?”

“You know it, Solo. Now get in the death mobile.”

And now, an hour and a half later, he was staring suspiciously at her as she whistled and made coffee, eerily comfortable in his kitchen.

“You’re out of cream.” She poked her head through the archway dividing his kitchen from the living room. Ben watched as she chewed on her bottom lip and his brain started screaming at him, the sight of her working her mouth redirecting his thoughts to places he really was trying to avoid. Places where they were both naked and sweaty.

He needed her to leave, like, now. 

“Well, not out, exactly,” she continued, “but what you have would probably kill you and you just got out of the hospital, so it seems a waste to send you right back.”

“I’m fine, Rey. You can go to work, or class, or...” He stopped because she was looking at him like he was an idiot. “What?”

“You’re a stubborn ass, you know that?”

“Yes?”

She sighed and Ben tensed as she sat next to him. The wound up his neck still had stitches, and they pulled a bit as he turned his head to look at her. 

“You need someone here, Ben.”

He twitched at the name. She’d only ever called him that one other time, and the recollection of when and how caused him to narrow his eyes. 

“You can’t be serious.”

“I figure you can’t actually throw me out until you’re at least off crutches.” She shrugged.

“That’s blackmail.”

“Technically it’s not.”

“Extortion?”

“Mmmm, no?”

“Breaking and entering.”

“Only if you lock me out when I go pick up a change of clothes.” 

He stared at her, clenching and unclenching his jaw. This had not worked out well the last time she was here. What if he started to spiral? What if he couldn’t hold it all in while she was here and he became that quivering, crying mess of a man that he hated? Just thinking about it was increasing his heart rate. He’d hardly developed the best coping mechanisms and having to keep his shit together around Rey without being able to blow off steam with his usual pastimes was going to be torture.

In reality, though, he had no desire to drink. Three weeks of enforced sobriety while in the hospital had lessened that urge nicely. But he certainly couldn’t rely on his other methods of coping with Rey here. Faceless, drunken sex only worked if you didn’t know the person.

He knew Rey. The thought of using her like that left him sick to his stomach, mostly because it also made his dick twitch. He was genuinely torn between pushing her up against the counter and self castration. And now she was staring at him, an earnest expression on her face like she was just waiting for him to make the right choice. 

The pressure was killing him.

“This didn’t work out so well last time, Rey.”

“Maybe I learned from my previous experience.” She quirked an eyebrow at him and he realized she wasn’t going to budge. He’d just have to figure out how to deal with it until he had the strength back to physically remove her.

“Jesus. Fine. Just...stop enjoying it so damn much.”

She winked. “Make me.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is really conflicted and Rey is unbelievably patient.

The first night she stayed he dreamed of her. They were just flashes. The sensation of warm skin beneath him, bodies sliding over one another. Smell of woman and whispered unintelligible words of love and affection. 

He woke up in a cold sweat, almost missing his nightmares, startled awake by Rey knocking on his bedroom door.

“Go away.” He heard her chuckle through the door.

“Fine, I’ll never make coffee again.”

He grumbled and rolled out of bed, the various injuries making the simple feat of standing upright an exhausting experience. Maneuvering with his crutches he made his way to the kitchen where he was greeted with the sight of Rey’s perky behind as she bent over the dishwasher. 

“At least this time you’re wearing pants.”

She snorted as she stood, slamming the dishwasher shut, and turned to face him, arms crossed over her chest and a cheeky grin gracing her lips.

“Go sit down, I’ll bring you coffee.”

The rest of the morning progressed much the same way. Him attempting to do things for himself only to realize he needed her help. It made him uncomfortable, like he was a burden. He hated the feeling of vulnerability that went with it but even at his most stubborn he needed the help. It was confusing and honestly he was too tired to do much of anything except lie back and let her take care of him, which was beyond infuriating.

By the end of the first day, Ben seriously regretted letting Rey stay with him. She was like a whirlwind of happiness and it made him want to shake her and remind her life was terrible while also bask in her smiles. 

Her proximity was making him insane.

The worst was the following morning when they literally ran into each other in the hallway. Rey was coming out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel and the collision resulted in him nearly losing his balance because of the stupid crutches. Which almost would have been preferable to what had actually happened. When she reached out to steady him her movement was sudden and out of instinct, resulting in her towel slipping and him getting an eyeful of her naked hip and leg and half her rib cage.

She’d laughed it off and recovered quickly, running back into the bathroom and shutting the door, but he had felt like a caged animal for the rest of the day. His hands twitched, and he wanted a drink so bad he was growling with the effort it took to not have one. On top of it, he was doing his best to make sure Rey stayed away from him, unable and unwilling to play nice and act like they were still friends after spending most of the night dreaming about fucking her into the mattress.

The worst was realizing how much he had missed her. But he had no plans to suck her back into to his hellscape. And if he broke down and let her in instead of just letting her take care of him, he’d want nothing more than to burrow into her softness forever. 

And then he’d never want her to go.

The sooner she left, the better. 

 

******

Rey didn’t expect Ben to be easy to take care of, but it didn’t take more than three days for her to think she’d seriously underestimated how unpleasant Mr. Solo could actually be. 

He was demanding and petulant, hated being touched, and generally appeared to be doing everything in his power to convince her not to stay with him. She’d gotten so frustrated she’d stormed out of the house, taking no small amount of glee in his surprised expression when she’d knocked his crutches out from underneath him. Then she’d given him a look that dared him to to say anything as she slammed the door behind her. Free from his surliness, she decided to run some errands, so she spent the few hours following her dramatic departure doing just that.

She texted Finn to check in, receiving a less than enthusiastic warning about moving in with strange men uninvited. Finn had not been very supportive of her plans to take care of Ben while he healed from his accident, but Rey had made it clear to her roommate she could handle living with the man who had consumed her thoughts for the better part of a year. That being said, the fact that he’d forced her to flee after three days didn’t bode especially well for the next few weeks but Rey was willing to overlook that. 

She also called her boss to let him know she had gotten her shifts covered for another week. He’d begrudgingly agreed to the swap and she’d promised him she’d be back at work soon, wondering if it was a promise she’d be able to keep. A quick visit to the pharmacy for some toiletries came next. And finally, she spent an hour at the farmers market, enjoying the anonymity of the crowd. 

When she returned to Ben’s condo, she was in a much better mood, especially when she realized Ben was asleep. Maybe a nap would improve his attitude.

Having checked on him, she turned on the television and flipped through the channels for something she liked. She finally settled on some old cartoons and opened the carton of strawberries she’d bought at the farmers market. The market stand had been overflowing with stacks of the berries and Rey hadn’t been able to stop herself from handing over ten dollars for a container, even though she was dangerously low on cash. Deciding not to dwell on her cash flow problems, she was soon sitting comfortably in her old t-shirt and shorts while happily laughing along with the antics of the cartoon characters. 

In fact she was so enthralled she jumped when she heard someone clear their throat.

Looking up she saw Ben standing next to her, hair wet and dripping down his face, a pair of drawstring pants slung low around his waist, and an undershirt covering most of his injuries, with the exception of the red line that ran up his face. She sat up straighter in alarm when she realized what his appearance meant.

“Did you shower? You aren’t supposed to get like...anything wet!” He just glared down at her. 

“Seriously, kid, I’m not a fucking invalid.”

So she was back to kid again? Rolling her eyes, she watched as he struggled to sit down with the crutches and the cast, completely contradicting his statement about not being an invalid. 

“Do you own a mirror?”

“Do you?” He surveyed her as he got comfortable on the couch.

“You’re just jealous.”

“Of your terrible fashion sense?”

“This shirt is a classic.”

“It literally has holes in it.” He gestured at the hem, which admittedly had several small holes. She rolled her eyes. 

“Fine, no strawberries for you.”

“Tease.”

“You love it.”

The retort she was expecting didn’t come and the silence stretched uncomfortably. Sighing in irritation, Rey looked at him and confirmed his expression was closed. That had happened every time she pushed their banter from whatever back and forth rhythm they usually settled on into something slightly flirtatious. He’d been settling into these quiet moods regularly since he’d been released from the hospital. It was like he shut down, and she was dying to know why. Rey cocked her head at him, curious.

“You’re staring,” he said, eyes focused straight ahead.

“You want a strawberry, but you’re too stubborn to ask.”

He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at her. 

“May I please have a strawberry?”

The question was dripping with sarcasm and Rey narrowed her eyes. She was tired of fighting him on everything. From the first day with the coffee and then that ridiculous incident with the towel he’d been actively picking fights with her any time they got too comfortable with each other. It was like trying to snuggle a cactus and she was officially done. 

He needed to snap out of it and at this point she was willing to try anything to break through his hard shell.

With that in mind she picked up a strawberry from the box, plucking the green top off of it, and held it out to him. When he reached for it, she snatched it away, watching his expression. His lips twitched and his eyes darkened and Rey, emboldened, decided to continue her little game. 

Shaking her head, she turned fully towards him on the couch. Scooting closer, she raised the fruit to his lips. His gaze locked with hers, and she held his stare. Not wanting to push too far, she didn’t speak or move any closer, just looked at him. When he dropped his eyes briefly to her mouth she forced herself not to smile. The intensity of his stare as he raised his gaze back up to hers sent a jolt through her system. He was clearly struggling to decide on how he wanted to proceed. She could feel the increase in her heart beat as she waited for him to make his choice until she finally couldn’t stand it anymore.

“If you want it, come and get it.” Her voice came out low and husky and she saw immediately the effect it had on him. Something flashed behind his eyes and he clenched his jaw.

Not breaking eye contact, he leaned towards her. She watched his eyes drop to her lips again briefly before returning to meet her gaze, and her heart rate sped up as his warm breath caressed her fingers. Without breaking eye contact, his tongue reached out and the tip ran over the flesh of her finger. He exhaled with a puff before before he enveloped the berry and her fingers into the warmth of the mouth. 

She watched, her heart threatening to burst out of her chest, as his amber eyes grew warmer and he nibbled on the fruit. Goosebumps raised up over her arms as he sucked her fingers into his mouth, swirling his tongue over her the sensitive pads of her fingertips. Shivering with the sensation, Rey ran her thumb over his bottom lip and leaned closer to him, her eyes dropping to his mouth. His beautiful, full mouth that was stained with red from the strawberry. She pulled his lip down, dragging her fingers over it, while he finished chewing the fruit.

He exhaled noisily and Rey decided to press her advantage before he could derail her plan, leaning in to touch her lips to his. For a second neither of them moved, Ben stiffening under the contact. Wondering if she’d made a horrible mistake, Rey remained relaxed and still until she felt the tension ebb away from him. Only then did she began to settle into the kiss, gently nibbling on his lower lip as she familiarized herself with his mouth. The first thing she noticed was how soft his lips were, which seemed oddly out of place on his masculine face. The second was that they tasted like strawberries, and she nibbled and sucked on his bottom lip enjoying the combined taste of strawberry and Ben before he growled and opened up to her. 

Rey planted her hands on the couch and pressed closer to him, tangling her tongue with his and sharing his breath as he slanted his mouth over hers. A sigh of contentment escaped her, and she took in as much of him as she could. 

She was desperate to touch him and pull him close, but refrained from doing so. Instead she held herself rigid, resisting the temptation to reach out with her hands. Ben was always so skittish. She didn’t want to reach for him only to have him end what was quickly becoming an amazing kiss. So in an effort to deepen the kiss without scaring him off, she cautiously leaned into his lips, letting desire curl in her belly, while they continued to explore each other’s mouths. 

When his hand came up to her cheek she let out a sigh of appreciation and he tilted her head up, his mouth leaving hers. She shuddered as he made his way down her jaw and towards her neck, where he nibbled and sucked, leaving a trail of goosebumps in his wake.

When he tightened his grip on her cheek and began rubbing his thumb over her lower lip, she gave into her desires and let her tongue snake it’s way out of her mouth to touch him. A soft grunt escaped him at the contact, and as his mouth hit her ear, he whispered a single word while the pad of his thumb pressed into her teeth. 

“Suck.” 

Rey felt her core clench at his deep voice, rough with desire. How could such a simple word sound so filthy? 

Not wanting to disappoint, she complied, wrapping her lips around his thumb and pulling it into her mouth. She toyed with him, running her tongue over and around him like he had done to her earlier, tasting him and drawing him further into her while he continued to nibble her neck, biting and kissing and soothing. She closed her eyes and let the sensation wash over her as his mouth made its way back up to hers, lips dragging over her flesh. 

And then he pulled away. 

Disappointed, she opened her eyes. The disheveled, wild man staring down at her caused her heart to skip a beat. Overwhelmed by emotion, she wrapped her hand over his, pressing him closer, before releasing his thumb with a gentle kiss.

*******

Ben looked down at Rey. Her mouth was swollen, her pupils blown, her small hand covering his and holding him to her. A soft smile played on her lips and he couldn’t help the small part of him that was drinking in the sight of her, even though the rest of him was a churning maelstrom of shame, fear, and anger. 

He was angry at her for kissing him. 

He knew it was completely unreasonable, but his desire for her terrified him. What if he was taking advantage of her the way he had been taken advantage of? His rational brain knew she wasn’t a kid anymore, but it didn’t matter. He hated the idea that he could be anything like the old man. So much so that he’d rather push her away than succumb to his attraction. An attraction which, the longer she was here, he knew he’d have less and less control over.

He pulled his hand away from her face. 

“I just wanted a fucking strawberry.”

Rey blinked and licked her lips, and then snorted out a laugh as her gaze dropped to his lap. Ben was suddenly acutely aware of the fact that he was at half mast and his pajama bottoms were doing absolutely nothing to hide it.

“You’re a terrible liar, Solo.”

He looked away and adjusted himself, annoyed by her observations skills. It was really a rather aggravating trait, he decided. He leaned over, suppressing a groan as his movements compressed his abdominal wound, and grabbed a handful of the berries for himself. He was fucking sick of not being able to move. He was used to a high level of physical activity and sitting here, convalescing, was making him irritable. And unfortunately, his irritation was focused on Rey at the moment.

“Why do you always watch cartoons?”

“They’re hilarious.”

“They’re for kids.”

“You’ve clearly never see Anime.” He grunted and the silence stretched. 

“That shouldn’t happen again.”

“Okay Mr. happy pants.” Rey laughed.

Ben kicked the coffee table with his good foot, his annoyance spiking. At this point he was literally itching for a fight. 

“I’m serious, kid. Why the fuck are you really here?”

Rey took the bait and stood up in a huff, turning the television off and throwing the remote onto the couch with frustration. 

“To help you, you giant, prickly ass. Would you prefer to starve to death, unable to drive to the fucking grocery store?”

Ben sneered up at her. “And here I thought you were just trying to get into my pants.”

“Your pants might very well hold your only positive trait!”

“At least I have one!”

She threw her hands up. “Why I ever decided you were my people, I will never know.”

Ben stilled and he felt like the world had titled on its axis. 

“What?”

But Rey was too far gone to notice she’d floored him with her words. She continued to rant about him being an insufferable, ungrateful, hypocritical asshole, and he just stared. 

Her people? He was her people? 

He wasn’t even his own people’s people. 

Suddenly he just...surrendered. The part of his brain that had been screaming at him for weeks to just let her in was officially making all of his decisions. The emotional rollercoaster he’d been on since she moved in was exhausting and in a possibly ill-advised moment of clarity, he released all of it and just let himself feel.

Reaching out he grabbed her hand, startling her out of her tirade.

“What?” she snapped.

Ben tugged her closer to him, and sat up straight, ignoring the pulling sensation in the wound on his neck as he stretched up towards her, eyes almost level with hers. 

“I’m your people?”

“That’s what you’re focusing on?”

He took in her disgruntled expression and shrugged. 

“No one’s ever claimed me before, like some stray. It’s...interesting.” She had the good grace to look uncomfortable and he smirked. “And a little presumptuous, honestly. Kind of possessive of you.”

Rey stepped closer to him and his grip on her wrist tightened. “You have terrible social skills, Ben Solo,” she murmured.

“Mmm.” He closed the distance between their mouths and captured her lips in another kiss. This time they were both ready for it, and she opened to him immediately allowing his tongue to enter and tangle with hers as he pulled her body closer to him. He lifted his other arm to wrap around her waist and Rey placed her hands on his shoulders, accidentally leaning on the still healing wound.

“Ouch,” he murmured against her lips.

“Sorry.”

Ben tensed as he felt her crawl into his lap, gently kneeling over him with her legs on either side of his hips. She lowered herself carefully onto his thighs and he took the opportunity to wrap a second arm around her waist, not losing contact with her mouth. His fear over whether or not he would somehow be tricking her or manipulating her into feeling something for him had been assuaged when she called him her people. 

He’d liked the sound of that. 

His people certainly hadn’t chosen him when it came right down to it, but here she was marking him as hers.

He was ridiculously turned on by that idea.

The direction of his thoughts had him tightening his hold on Rey and deepening the kiss, and he was rewarded by her arms wrapping around his neck. He leaned back into the sofa and pulled her down on top of him a split second before he remembered he still had surgical sutures holding his abdomen together. 

He pushed her away with a grunt. “Fuck that hurts.”

Rey quickly pulled away, pushing herself up using the back of the couch.

“Are you okay?”

He loosened his grip on her waist and glanced down at his abdomen, pulling the shirt up and seeing a small trickle of blood oozing from underneath the waterproof bandage he’d put on before his shower.

“Crap, Ben, did you pop a suture?” Rey moved off his lap and walked into the kitchen where she’d taken to storing the first aid kit.

“I don’t think so.” He peeled the bandage off with a wince and confirmed his sutures were still in place. He was supposed to have them removed this week, actually, and the bleeding looked fairly superficial. Rey knelt in front of him and focused on cleaning it up and replacing the bandage, while Ben just watched her.

“Rey.”

“Yeah?” She didn’t look up, taping the gauze with care.

“I’m a mess.” She frowned up at him. 

“I don’t think there’s too much damage.”

Ben barked out a laugh. She had no idea. 

“I don’t mean my sutures. I mean me.” She cocked her head at him and he sighed. “Seriously, Rey. There are...things. Things you don’t know.”

“Like what?”

“Things I don’t talk about.” He ran his hand through his hair and looked away.

“Ever? Or just not now.” He looked back at her to see she was rocking back on her heels and had a curious, concerned look on her face. 

“Ever.”

“The nightmares?”

Fuck, he’d forgotten she knew about those. He swallowed. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” She stood and leaned down, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’m here if that changes.”

Ben watched her with what he was sure was a combination of awe and desire as she packed up the first aid kit and disposed of the used gauze and waterproof bandage. 

“Okay.”

She just winked and walked into the kitchen.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some progress is made.

Rey woke up with a sense of deja vu. Ben’s warm body was curled around her, his strong arm over her waist, hand resting loosely on her stomach. She snuggled into his warmth, belatedly remembering she had class at nine.

“Mmmm. What time is it?”

Ben’s mouth whispered over the nape of her neck. “Six-ish.”

She shivered as his lips brushed against her upper back. “I have class at nine.”

The hand that was resting on her stomach moved up to the collar of her T shirt, tugging it down until it slipped off her shoulder, allowing him to place soft kisses along her skin. “That’s like...hours from now.”

Rey chuckled softly. “I was going to make pancakes. That takes at least 30 minutes.”

He continued to worship her skin, huffing his breath into her ear. “Mmmm, pancakes and a sleepover?”

Her eyes closed involuntarily as he nibbled softly behind her ear. 

“That feels nice.” Her voice came out in a breathy whisper that she didn’t recognize.

“You’re beautiful.” 

Rey felt her cheeks heat with his compliment. She wasn’t used to the men she was with sounding so enamored of her. Mostly they just wanted a quick fuck. Not that there had been many. She’d had a single boyfriend in high school, and then a few casual hookups since she started at the junior college, but no one had ever made her feel worshipped with a single sentence.

And on top of it, this was Ben. 

Her knight in shining - okay slightly tarnished, possibly sooty - armor. 

Her friend and the man she thought of as her person. It was a bit overwhelming, but she did not want him to stop.

His hand moved down her arm, across her rib cage and settled on the underside of her breast, where he hesitated. Wanting to let him know she approved of where his thoughts were headed, she placed her hand over his and moved it to cover her breast. He responded by brushing a thumb across her nipple.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” His breath chased goose bumps as it whispered across the soft flesh of her neck.

She tsked softly as she arched into his hand. 

“You saved me, remember?” 

He stilled.

“I can’t save you anymore, Rey.” 

Rey rolled over to face him. 

“That’s not what I meant.” He looked at her, mouth tight and eyes sad. She needed him to understand. “Ben, I don’t expect you to save me. I explained that in the hospital.”

“Then you don’t owe me a pity fuck, either, okay?”

“What?”

Ben sat up and ran his hand through his hair with a frustrated growl before he turned back to face her and bent, leaning over her. 

“Don’t fucking thank me with pussy, Rey.”

Her jaw dropped open and she scrambled to sit up.

“You think I let you feel me up as a thank you?”

“What the hell else am I supposed to think?”

She threw her hands up in the air. “Maybe that I wanted your hand on my boob!”

She felt his eyes rake over her before they returned to meet her gaze. 

“Why?”

Rey sat up and leaned closer. 

“Why not?”

“You deserve better.”

“Fuck that. Don’t tell me who I deserve. I deserve whoever I want.” He swallowed and she invaded his space more. “I want you.”

“Rey-“ 

She cut him off by crawling onto his lap. When she leaned in to kiss him, he stopped her by putting a hand on her breast bone. Confused, but willing to allow it for the time being she leaned into his hand and quirked an eyebrow at him.

He stared at her for a minute before coming to a decision. Groaning he leaned into her kiss, before lifting her up and tossing her onto her back without breaking contact with her lips. As she ran her fingers through his hair he made another loan grumbling sound that raised goosebumps across her flesh and resulting in a matching groan escaping from her mouth. Ben immediately pulled away.

“Are you okay?” The hands at her hips gripped her flesh tightly and the expression on his face was one of concern. 

“Yes. Those are happy noises.”

He smiled in a way that didn’t really reach his eyes. 

“I don’t usually pay attention.”

“But you are now?”

“I am. Totally sober. Scared shitless.”

“It’s just me.” His eyes searched her face. 

“Yeah. Just you.”

The way he said it made her stomach flip. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’.”

She wrapped her arm around his neck and pulled him into a deeper kiss, allowing him to settle between her thighs, and he responded by lowering himself to his forearms and running his hands over her cheeks, holding her face steady so he could worship her mouth. A heavy thigh pushed against the apex of her legs and Rey arched into him, wanting him to know how much she enjoyed his touch. One of his hand drifted lower as he adjusted position and cupped her breast, the thumb brushing lightly over her nipple and causing her skin to break out in goose bumps. Rey clenched her hand in his hair as he toyed with her breast until the hard little bud began to chafe under the fabric of her t-shirt.

Deciding she was wearing too many clothes, she tugged at her shirt and tried to lift it off. Ben got the hint and broke the kiss for a moment, allowing her to sit up briefly and pull it over her head. She threw it into the corner of his room and lay back on the mattress, growing warm under his gaze.

He lowered his mouth to her nipple and she gasped, pressing her hands into his hair and holding him close. Carding her fingers through his thick locks, she closed her eyes as he sucked and rolled and toyed with her breast. She felt beautiful and worshipped, and he was doing such incredible things with his mouth she couldn’t help the noises it pulled from her throat. He released her left breast and kissed his way across her sternum to the other, while his large hand continued to tweak and pinch her exposed nipple, causing her to jerk off the bed.

“Fuck, Ben, that feels amazing.”

She felt him smile before he released her. “Good.” 

Opening her eyes, she looked down at him. His hands continuing to toy with her breasts and his gaze stayed locked on her. The look in his eyes made her feel like she was about to burst into flame, his features peaking up at her over the mound of her flesh giving her an unobstructed view of full lips latched onto her nipple.

Her chest shuddered as she took a shaky breath and Ben lifted his head before he dove in for another aggressive kiss, taking her breath away, then slid his hand down her belly. Rey opened her legs for him, communicating her desire to him as well as she could since her mouth was otherwise occupied, and he dipped his fingers beneath the waistband of her sweats, brushing against the patch of hair at her apex.

Pressing her hips into his hand, she curled her arms around his neck. 

“Please touch me.”

He lifted himself up with his other arm and looked down their bodies to where his hand disappeared beneath her pants, then back up at her. 

“I think we’re both wearing too many clothes.” Rey noticed his voice was shaky and she was thrilled to realize he was as affected by all of this as she was. Her throat tightened with emotion and she had to swallow before she could respond.

“Agreed. Strip.”

He moved off her to take off his shirt and pants, while she quickly kicked out of her sweats and when he turned back to her and she got an eyeful of naked male flesh, marred slightly by scar tissue. She felt like that was a perfect summation of Ben Solo. Beautiful, strong, and marred by scar tissue. She smiled to herself as he moved to settle on top of her again, her legs adjusting to allow his sizable frame to lay between them. His hardness was brushing up against her and she resisted the urge to tell him to just slip it in.

Instead she reached up to kiss him. The kiss was slow, and deep, and Rey took the time to run her hands up and down his muscular back as he slid one of his own hands back down between her legs. She sighed into his mouth as he ran his fingers over her sensitive flesh, pressing down on her clit in such a way that had her breathing fast and bucking into him. Growing impatient, she wrapped her legs around him. It was then that he stilled for the second time that morning. 

“What is it?” She needed to feel him inside her and was not pleased with the pause in activity.

He dropped his forehead to her shoulder. 

“I don’t have a condom.”

“I’m on the pill.” She swallowed and stared up at the ceiling. “And I’m clean.” It was said hopefully, but she was immediately disappointed.

He lifted his head and his expression was filled with so much self loathing she blinked. 

“Oh, Rey.” Her name came out as a whispered apology. “I’m...I don’t know if I’m clean or not.” His voice was soft, like he didn’t want her to give the words more strength than they already had. She remembered what he’d said all those months ago, about fucking strangers in bathrooms, and Rey felt a swell of complicated emotions at everything that statement implied. 

All this was immediately followed by a focused surge of annoyance, however, because it meant this foreplay was going to go to waste. He’d spent too much time self destructing, and now she was feeling the effects of his bad behavior.

She dropped her legs back to the bed and sighed.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” He looked away.

“Me too.” That came out more pitifully than she’d meant it to. She didn’t want him to feel worse than he did, but damnit now she was horny and unsatisfied and she hadn’t even had coffee yet.

She started to slide out from under him but he pinned her between his body and the mattress. “Where do you think you’re going?”

She looked up at him. “To make coffee?”

“Uh-uh.” He shook his head at her. “I may be a dirty slut, but that doesn’t mean you have to leave here unsatisfied.” He licked his lips and Rey’s thoughts were suddenly moving in a newer, happier direction. “I could eat you out. Would you like that?”

She nodded, and Ben slowly slid down her body before issuing a command. 

“Say it.”

“Please go down on me, Ben?”

He settled in between her thighs and she let her legs fall open, surprised by her own boldness as he came eye level with her core.

“You’re so fucking amazing.” He shifted his arms under and around her thighs, his large hands dwarfing her as he gripped her hips, and Rey gently ran her fingers through his hair at his compliment.

“You’re just saying that ‘cause I know how to make pancakes.”

He huffed out his breath against her and Rey felt herself grow slick in anticipation of his touch. She tightened her hand in his hair as he peppered kisses everywhere except where she wanted him, so she arched into him, spreading her legs slightly, in the hope he’d stop teasing. The waiting was killing her. 

“Ben...”

“It’s been a while since I’ve done this.”

He tugged her hips towards him and she felt his teeth graze the strong tendon of her leg where her thigh met her apex. He followed it up by dragging his tongue down the crease of her leg and back up the other side, his warm breath tickling her clit. Rey opened her eyes to watch as he bent his head down towards her, his black hair settling on the skin of her lower belly, and then her whole body jolted as his tongue swept up her slit, gently flicking her clit at the end. 

She dropped her head back on the pillow, groaning, as he twirled his tongue, causing another jolt of electricity to run up her spine and shatter behind her eyes. She’d only ever had one other guy go down on her and it was nothing like this. Lost in sensation, she could barely describe what Ben was doing. Sometimes it was soft, sometimes hard, sometimes fast, sometimes slow. She tried to raise her hips towards him at one point, but he just growled “Stay” in a deep voice that made her brain turn to mush while he pressed her hips into the mattress.

Her grip on his hair tightened as she felt him pull an arm out from under her. 

“Don’t stop.”

“I’m not.”

Before she could respond, he slowly pushed a finger into her and sucked her clit into his mouth, causing her to cry out. She pushed against his hand as he began to fuck her with his finger, adding a second one after a moment, and continuing to use his mouth to nibble and suck on her clit. Rey released his hair, still thinking coherently enough to suspect she would hurt him if she was gripping his head when she came, and grabbed the sheets instead as she writhed under him.

She felt a warmth uncoil in her belly as Ben’s pace quickened, and barely registered he’d lifted his head from her until she felt his gaze boring into her. Her eyes opened and she met his black stare.

“Come for me, Rey.” 

The sound of his words, his low voice, and the way he crooked his fingers was too much. She shattered, arching off the bed, clenching her thighs together around his hand as her orgasm exploded through her. She had no idea she could come that hard, wondering briefly if she’d lost consciousness for a minute. As the aftershocks pulsed through her, she looked down in time to see him licking his fingers. 

“Jesus, Ben.” Her voice sounded shaky to her own ears.

He pushed himself up and hovered over her. 

“You taste like strawberries.” 

Then he kissed her slowly, his tongue gently pressing into her mouth and Rey tasted herself on his lips, finding the experience oddly erotic. 

“You’ll have to let me return the favor later.” 

For the third time that morning he froze. 

“No.” He said it firmly and then moved off her, rolling onto his back and looking up at the ceiling, the mood shattered.

“You don’t like oral?” She’d never met a guy who didn’t like blowjobs. She felt like she’d found a unicorn. Raising herself up on her elbows to look at him, she noticed his expression was closed off and his jaw was clenched.

“No. Can we drop it?” 

“It’s just— I’ve never met a guy who doesn’t like it.” Rey was still blissed out from her orgasm and as a result was having a hard time following his mood.

Ben got up and limped over to his dresser and yanked open a drawer, stepping clumsily into a pair of boxers while he tried not to put too much pressure on his ankle. 

“I said drop it, Rey.” His voice sounded nearly frantic and it gave her pause.

Ignoring the loss of whatever afterglow they may have had, Rey sat up and leaned against the headboard. 

“Ben.”

He turned towards her and ran his fingers through his hair. She took in his expression, his body language, the borderline frantic look in his eyes, and a cold realization settled over her. This wasn’t just about someone not liking oral sex. Ben was acting like a caged animal, like someone who was trapped. Then she remembered his nightmares and suddenly Rey was sick to her stomach.

“Did someone—?” She couldn’t say the words aloud, but somehow she knew. Someone had hurt him, _done things_ to him. Her Ben. She was furious and heartbroken on his behalf. 

He swallowed and turned his back to her, opening another drawer in his dresser and pulling out a pair of jeans. He stepped into them carefully and she heard him zip up his fly, thinking he wasn’t going to respond. 

“Ben?”

He slammed the dresser drawer violently and Rey startled. 

“I don’t want to talk about it, damnit!”

“Hey!” It was Ben’s turn to jump at her raised voice, and he turned towards her with a surprised look on his face. She slid off the bed, wrapping the sheet around her like a toga, and walked towards him. “Don’t get violent. It scares me. It reminds me of my last few months with Plutt.”

“Okay. Shit. I’m sorry.” She watched him work his jaw and swallow. “I’m not used to having people around.”

“We don’t have to talk about it. I won’t bring it up if you don’t want me to, all you have to do is ask.”

He worked his mouth like he was making a decision. 

“Don’t bring it up.”

“Done.”

He let his head hang down, frowning, and Rey thought he looked a bit like a little boy that didn’t know if he was in trouble or not. Cupping his face, she moved as close to him as she could and was rewarded when he snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her in for a hug, burying his face in her neck.

“Thank you, Rey.” 

Rey tangled her hands in his hair and let him lift her up off the floor into his arms into a bear hug, so her response was muffled and spoken into his chest.

“You’re welcome.” 

“Now where are my pancakes?”

 

******

Rey departed later that morning with a reminder she had three classes and a promise to buy more half and half, leaving Ben to his own devices. He was technically allowed to drive now, had been since he got the ankle boot, but he hadn’t needed to since Rey was more than willing to shuttle him around.

But there was something he needed to do on his own today. The idea had worked its way into his brain this morning and it was something he didn’t want Rey to be there for because he absolutely, positively, needed it to be about him, not her. 

He needed to get tested.

Since his exchange with Rey that morning he’d been running over things in his mind. He’d had a single AIDS test almost seven years ago, and hadn’t been checked for anything else, ever. He’d slept with, at best guess, at least fifty women since then, none of whom had demanded he wear a condom.

Ben swiped his hand over his face as he stared down at his crotch. Paying attention to his sexual health ran contrary to everything he’d done as an adult. Every decision he’d made about sex was designed to suffocate and obscure his history. He knew Rey wanted to help him. More importantly she wanted to be with him. Him. 

But opening the floodgates on all of those memories, and fears, and fuck the blackness that threatened to consume him was not something he could just dive into. 

Baby steps. 

He needed to take baby steps. 

And after this morning he knew without a doubt he wouldn’t be able to be with Rey unless he was positive he had done everything in his power not to taint her with his darkness. There was no way he would let what Snoke did and what he had chosen to do as a result ruin whatever was happening between them. 

His decision made, Ben grabbed his keys and slammed the door behind him before he could think himself out of it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So there is a lot to unpack here and it’s loooooong.
> 
> TW - consensual choking. Apologies this wasnt tagged previously. This is specific to this chapter only.
> 
> Also, I have no idea of you can get same day results for an STD panel but that’s what happened because it’s fiction.

The clinic was in a professional building full of other medical offices, and Ben felt less self conscious than he’d expected. When they called his name back to the exam woman, the physician was a very friendly, gentle young woman by the name of Dr. Rea, who was probably only a few years older than him, with kinky brown hair pulled back in a tight pony tail.

“Okay, Mr. Solo, we just have a few things to go over before we proceed with testing.”

She asked questions as Ben rattled off things like his name, date of birth, profession, and smoking history. They had developed a nice rhythm as they moved into his sexual history. 

Or so he’d thought.

“Any recent sexual assault?”

“What?”

“Men can be victims too, Mr. Solo.” Dr. Rea smiled professionally at him.

Ben blinked and looked at the posters on the wall. 

“Define recent.”

There was a barely noticeable pause. 

“Since the last time you were tested.”

He looked back at her with a challenge in his eyes, daring her to pity him, to say something, to give him the excuse he needed to lose his temper and run out of the room. But her expression was professionally neutral, while she waited for him to make a decision.

“Nope.”

She ticked off a box on the form and went right back to her questions. When they were finished, she’d told Ben to get on the exam table and proceeded to poke him and prod him in some decidedly uncomfortable ways before pronouncing the exam complete.

As she was removing her gloves and Ben was shrugging back into his jacket her voice stopped him.

“If you need someone to talk to Mr. Solo, I can recommend an excellent counselor.”

“No, thanks.” He moved towards the door but she stepped in front of him and held out a card.

“If you change your mind.”

He took it with a growl and fled the office as quickly as he could.

******

 

Ben spent nearly twenty five minutes in the parking lot of the medical building talking himself down from a panic attack. 

The most amazing part about it was that he actually succeeded. 

After ten minutes of the blackness creeping over him and threatening to suffocate him, his wayward brain had pushed forward a memory of Rey from earlier that morning. It was like a sunbeam pushing its way through dark storm clouds. Thinking about her and their time together successfully cancelled out all the darkness that was trying to suffocate him. All the memories of Snoke had been pushed aside by memories of Rey, the noises she made, the look on her face. He’d managed to avoid spiraling completely out of control and as he came out of it and his heart beat slowed, he realized somehow she’d managed to create a small crack in the darkness.

Which was why, when he got home, he wanted to make sure that he made it really clear how welcome she was there. He decided to cook, having learned how to feed himself at a relatively young age. Rey loved to eat, something he’d noticed about her when they’d first met, and he decided to go all out and make them a dinner of baked chicken, veggies, and wild rice.

Ben was in the kitchen cleaning up and turning off burners when he heard the door open. Wiping his hands on the dish towel, he stepped into the living room getting a stranglehold on his nerves. Rey had her back turned to him, busy unloading her book bag and what appeared to be a handful of groceries. He shook off the satisfaction at the sheer domesticity of it and approached her.

She straightened and turned right as he reached her, then smiled up at him, a slight blush on her face. “Hi.”

He cupped her cheeks in his hands and kissed her gently. “Hi.”

“I bought condoms,” she blurted it out, holding up a plastic bag from the pharmacy and immediately turned a deeper shade of red.

He searched her face. “I got tested.”

He’d obviously surprised her because her mouth dropped open and her brow quirked. “And?”

Stepping closer to her, he tugged the grocery bag out of her hand and let it drop to the floor. The results of his exams had been posted on the patient portal earlier and he’d looked at them prepared for the worst, anxiety spiking as he scrolled through the results on the screen of his phone, only to nearly cry in relief when he realized there had been no physical consequences to years of reckless behavior.

“Miraculously, I passed.”

She pounced on him, literally jumping up and wrapping her legs around his waist as she kissed him. It almost knocked him over since he still wasn’t as stable as usual because of his ankle. Grabbing her ass, he kissed her back, stumbling a bit until she was pressed between him and the door. Her arms were wrapped around his neck and he let her devour his mouth, groaning as she tightened her legs around his waist. She released his lips and began nibbling her way down his jaw.

“Bedroom?” he asked.

“Mmmhmmm.”

He turned them around and headed toward his room, trying to avoid running Rey into any walls, and then paused. 

“Condoms?”

She stilled her exploration of his neck. 

“I mean...you’re clean so...no.”

“Waste of money.” He looked down at her and squeezed her hips. She laughed and combed her fingers through his hair as he continued to walk down the hall, making him shiver. 

“I’ll return them.”

When they got to his room, he threw her on the bed, causing her to giggle. Then he fell on top of her. 

“No one returns condoms, Rey.”

She looked up at him with a small smile. 

“Thank you.”

Ben frowned and pushed himself up on his elbows while Rey played with his hair. 

“I didn’t do it for you.” He felt her hand still, and he wondered if he had been too honest. “Is that okay?”

“Who’d you do it for?”

The expression on her face wasn’t accusatory or judgmental, just curious, and Ben relaxed slightly. 

“Me.”

“Of course it’s okay.” She grinned and grabbed him behind his ears before pulling him down for a kiss, which he returned enthusiastically. Kissing her felt like home. And instead of running for the hills, he settled into it, deepening it even though he felt a flair of panic at the idea of how quickly he’d become attached to whatever this was between them.

She tugged his shirt up and he broke the kiss, allowing her to pull it off him. He watched her lips turn up as she ran her hands down his chest, fingers moving carefully over his scars. Then she sat up and took off her own top, leaning in to capture his mouth again as she flung it across the room. Ben allowed her enthusiasm to lead them and he soon found himself on his back, Rey straddling his thighs, her hands on either side of his head while she sucked on his lips.

She sat up and he gazed up at her, hands gripping her hips, watching while she leaned back on her heels and took off her bra. 

His hands drifted up her torso until he cupped a breast in each one, watching her expression shift as he pinched and rolled her nipples until they hardened to little pebbles under his palms. Her eyes were closed, and her mouth had dropped opened, and she kept making these little gasping breaths and Ben never wanted her to stop.

Wincing only slightly at the residual pain from his injury, he sat up, releasing one of her breasts to cup her cheek. Her eyes opened and she grabbed his wrist, pulling his thumb into her mouth, reminiscent of their first kiss.

“Rey...” 

She swirled her tongue and grabbed the hand he still had on her breast, squeezing it and as a result herself. He pulled his thumb out of her mouth and kissed her, plunging his tongue into her warmth an effort to possess her the way he felt possessed by her in that moment. She whined as she arched into him, her naked flesh pressing against his until he released her breast and wrapped both arms around her waist, pulling her down onto his lap so he could grind up into her. She whined again in response, and he moved his hands to her ass, pressing her into him as she tangled her hands in his hair.

Gasping, he released her mouth. 

“Pants. Off. Now.” He lifted her up off his lap, and she stood on the bed, straddling him, so he could unbutton her fly and pull the jean shorts down her legs. She used his shoulders to balance as she stepped out of them and Ben couldn’t help but run a finger along her slit, tracing it through her panties and causing her to jerk.

“You’re so wet. Is this for me?”

She looked down at him. “I don’t see anyone else here.”

He pinched her clit through the damp fabric, and she squeaked. “Cut the sass, jailbait.”

“Make me.” She whispered as she leaned into his hand.

Ben hooked his thumbs under the band of her underwear and pulled them down as well. When she stood naked in front of him he gripped her hips, holding her in place, and pressed his mouth to her mound. Her grip on his shoulders tightened and he heard her breath quicken as he licked at her slit, circling her clit with his tongue. 

“Ben...”

He pulled away from her and looked up. Their gazes met and Ben’s breath hitched as he watched her swallow and lick her lips. 

“You’re still wearing pants.”

Grabbing her hips to steady her, he moved her aside and helped her kneel, then went to work unbuttoning his pants, kicking them off the edge of the bed. Rey shifted on the bed next to him, and she reached out to touch his erection but he grabbed her hand before she made contact. 

“Don’t…” He swallowed. “Just...don’t, okay?”

She nodded and straddled him instead, looking down at him with a soft expression that hit him right in the chest. 

“If I ever do anything that you don’t like, tell me, okay?” Her voice was soft and gentle, and she followed her words with a quick kiss to his jaw.

Grabbing her hips, he shoved aside his anxiety and focused on the feeling of her warmth against him. “Same.”

She leaned over to kiss him again, her torso lying against his, and he curled his hand around her ass, finding her entrance and rubbing the tip of his cock against her. She moaned into his mouth, and pushed back and down onto him, allowing him to slip into her heat and causing a groaned expletive to escape.

“Fuck.”

A throaty laugh escaped her as she leaned back on her heels, sliding down his length. 

“I’m working on it.”

Ben smacked her ass. 

“What did I say about sass?” He punctuated his statement with a hard thrust, while he pulled her hips down, sheathing himself in her fully. Her hands came down on his chest hard. 

“Christ, Ben.” She looked down at him with an intense expression then lifted her hips up and slammed back down. Ben’s brain misfired and his gaze locked with hers as she she did it again. And again. She leaned over him, her hair brushing against his cheeks, and Ben took over, hands on her waist, hips thrusting into her as she dropped her elbows beside him. 

Her forehead touched his and he swallowed as she whispered his name. The sound of it on her lips combined with the sensation of her weight draped over him caused his throat to burn, and the sudden overwhelming emotion was almost too much. He needed to be in control. Tightening his grip on her, he rolled them so she was underneath him without breaking their intimate connection. 

“Tell me you want me.”

Rey wrapped her legs around him as he slowed his pace. “I want you. So much.“ He changed his angle and slammed into her, drawing a gasp from her lips.

“You like that?”

She looked at him and nodded. “Mmhmm.”

Ben continued to pull out slowly and drive back into her as he held her gaze. “You feel so fucking good, Rey.”

She raised her hand and cupped his face. “You’re driving me crazy, Solo.”

“Oh?” He changed his angle once more, moving in quick shallow thrusts and she arched into him.

“You’re a fucking tease.”

He lowered his lips to her ear. “You love it.”

She whined. “I really do.”

Ben groaned and picked up his pace, deepening his thrusts until he was burying himself completely each time, pulling gasps and moans out of Rey with each movement. He dropped onto his elbow, and reached his hand up to cup her cheek, pressing a deep kiss on her open mouth. He focused on the noises she was making as he slid his hand down to her neck, wrapping his fingers gently around her throat. She looked up at him, a question on her face as he slowed his movements.

“I need to feel in control.” He took a breath, searching her face and willing her to understand.

She nodded, grabbing his biceps and tilted her head back, offering herself to him like some sort of fucking sacrifice and Ben felt something tighten in his chest. He continued his leisurely thrusting as she clenched around him again. 

“I trust you.”

Ben growled, those three little words seemingly sending him over the edge. He squeezed her throat gently, holding her in place, as he fucked her harder, his rhythm getting increasingly erratic. He felt her fingernails bite into the flesh of his arms, as her thighs tightened around him, her body pressing up into his. He used his free hand to grab her hip and hold her still so he could pound into her, his body weight fully pinning her to the bed.

“Fuuuuuuuuck.” It came out as a growl and Ben felt her inner walls flutter and tighten around him as she shattered, his name falling from her lips and pushing him over the edge. He thrust again once, then twice as his orgasm ripped through him.

He relaxed his grip on her throat and collapsed, burying his face in her neck. His eyes stung, and his throat closed up and he hugged her tightly. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He whispered it like a mantra in her ear as he felt tears threaten. He was a fucking monster. He’d gotten carried away and he would never forgive himself if he’d hurt her. “I’m so sorry, Rey.”

“Stop apologizing for fucking my brains out.” She tightened her grip on him, both with her arms and her legs, and ran her finger through his hair. 

He turned to press kisses against her neck. “Did I hurt you?” 

“Mmmm, no. I kind of liked it. I’ve never done that before.”

He lifted his head, too surprised to be self conscious about the moisture in his eyes. 

“You did?”

Rey reached up and wiped the tear off his cheek. 

“Who knew I had a choking kink?”

“You’re like a fucking saint, you know that?” Ben dropped his forehead to hers.

“You know I’m not.”

He kissed her softly. 

“Saint Rey, patron saint of wretched assholes.” 

She punched him playfully on the shoulder. 

“I’m not a fucking saint, Solo, and you’re the only wretched asshole I give a shit about.”

“Good, I have a jealous streak.” Ben pulled out of her, watching her mouth form a soft “O” at the sensation, and disentangled himself from her limbs. He rolled onto his back and Rey curled up against him briefly before she sat up abruptly.

“Where the hell is your ankle boot?”

“I couldn’t drive very well with it on, so I took it off at the clinic. It’s in the truck.” He tugged her back down and wrapped both arms around her to keep her from getting up again.

“You shouldn’t be walking on that ankle.”

“You’re awfully bossy.”

“You’re awfully stubborn.”

Ben pinched her butt and she squeaked. “Stop arguing with me.”

“Fine, but you’re putting it back on when we get up.”

“Whatever you say.”

It was her turn to pinch him and he yelped. “Paybacks a bitch, isn’t it, Solo?”

He opened his mouth to respond when a piercing ring tone came from somewhere in the direction of Rey’s shorts.

“Fuck, that’s Finn.” She wriggled out of Ben’s arms and reached over the edge of the bed to the floor to grab her cellphone, giving Ben a very nice view of her ass. 

“Yay, the roommate.” His mood soured. 

She gave him a look before answering the phone. “Hey, Finn.” 

Ben got up, pulling his pants back on without bothering with the underwear, and leaned in to kiss Rey hard on the lips. She responded immediately, and he plundered her mouth with his tongue, making a point, before releasing her back to her phone call. 

She smiled at him knowingly before turning her attention back to her friend. He opted for giving her privacy and left the room.

******

“I thought you’d be home by now.”

Rey leaned down and pulled her shorts up with one hand while she held the phone in the other. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”

“Rents due in like three days.”

Fuck. She hadn’t been working more than a shift a week since Ben was released and she was seriously broke. 

“I’ll come up with it, I promise.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone and Rey took the opportunity to pull her shirt on over her head.

“Are you coming home, Rey?”

She chewed on her lip. “Of course.” She knew her answer lacked conviction and Finn immediately picked up on it.

“I mean, I know this is the fireman guy, but you can’t just move in. He made that really clear last time, peanut.”

A flare of annoyance surged through her. “I know, Finn. I’m not an idiot.”

“I didn’t say you were, I just—” He paused. “I just don’t want to see you hurt.”

Her mood mellowed and she smiled, knowing he was concerned about her. “I know. I’ll get you the rent tomorrow, okay?”

“What about moving back in?”

She sighed. 

“I’ll let you know that tomorrow too. Let’s meet at the diner by our place for breakfast. Does that work?”

“Okay Rey. See you tomorrow.”

Rey finished getting dressed and walked out to the living room, where Ben was waiting with two plates of food.

“You cooked?”

“It’s cold now, but it’s the thought that counts.”

Rey sat down next to him on the couch, curled her feet up under her and pulled a plate of food onto her lap. After a few bites she looked over at her dinner companion.

“I’m going to meet Finn for breakfast tomorrow.” 

Ben looked at her sideways and put down his food on the coffee table.

“Okay.”

“I have to pay rent.”

“Right.”

Rey sighed and put her food down as well. “Ben you’re being weird.”

He looked at her and ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t really know how this works.”

“How what works?”

“Wanting to be with someone after you fuck.” He looked at his lap. It took a minute for Rey to process that. Had he never had sex that wasn’t faceless and in the back of a bar? The thought made her sad and she felt suddenly like being able to offer him some normalcy was the most important thing she could do.

“Ben, it works however you want it to.” He raised his eyes and looked up at her from under his lashes. It was so adorable she smiled. “How about we just eat and watch a movie?”

“Okay.” Rey scooted closer to him and leaned up against his side with her plate of food, looking up at him while she invaded his space. 

“Is this okay? I like snuggling but if you don’t-“

“I think it’s fine.” He cut her off and leaned his head against hers for a minute before he went back to eating.

The movie they were watching was interesting enough to capture Rey’s attention and lead her to believe their conversation was over. The silence was companionable and she relaxed into the quiet intimacy they were sharing. Which was why she was surprised when Ben put his food down again with a sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. 

She watched him, wondering if he’d been overthinking their situation this whole time. And then he said something that turned the bite of chicken in her mouth to ash.

“Do you think I groomed you?” 

Shaking at the implication of that question Rey slowly placed her plate on the coffee table and struggled to swallow the food in her mouth, her appetite completely gone. She turned to him, hoping to see something on his face to indicate he wasn’t serious. Unfortunately she didn’t.

“Are you serious?” He shrugged and looked down at his lap briefly before leaning his head back against the couch and turning towards her.

“I don’t know. I mean, the question is serious. But I don’t know if I really did? I just want to know if you think I did.”

“Ben you didn’t touch me until this week.”

“But I thought about it.”

“So did I.” He opened his mouth to say something else and she put her hand over it. “And no, not because you manipulated me into it.” He continued to stare at her but said nothing, no doubt due to the fact that her hand was still covering his mouth. “Ben I crawled into your lap when I was seventeen and it freaked you out so badly you didn’t see me in person for like three months.”

He pulled her hand off his mouth and frowned.

“Rey, it freaked me out because I wanted you in my lap.”

She chewed her lip, wondering if she’d ever be able to fully convince him he’d done nothing wrong. He’d never encouraged her or crossed any lines with her and while it had been incredibly frustrating at the time, especially for a lonely seventeen year old with a crush, in hindsight she was eternally grateful for not only his self restraint but also because it proved to her how important she was to him. If anything had happened when she was younger, they certainly wouldn’t be where they are now. 

There was really only one thing she could say.

“Ben?

“Yeah.”

“You’re not like them. Whoever you think you’re like? You’re not.”

He just looked at her with a surprise like he wasn’t expecting her to cut right to the heart of the matter.

“Nod if you understand.” He nodded slowly. “We good?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben try to figure their shit out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this took a really long time for me to update! Apologies and feel free to blame Harry Potter.
> 
> I combined two chapters here since they were both short and it’s been forever since I posted the last one, which is why the chapter count went down. Nothing was removed or eliminated.
> 
> Thanks for being patient and hopefully it was worth the wait.

“You did what?” Finn’s voice was loud enough that it carried even in the noisy diner, and Rey found herself reaching across the table to grab his arm in a death grip.

“Will you keep it down? Jesus Finn, I don’t need the entire restaurant intimately familiar with my sex life.”

Her friend gave her “a look” and proceeded to stir more sugar into his coffee.

“Okay, but Rey. You slept with him.”

“Yes, I did.”

“Peanut, this is fireman guy.”

“I know.”

“Bathroom sex, man whore, whole bottle of whiskey drunk, fireman guy.”

“Finn I know. But he’s not just those things, okay? He’s been there for me for years, and frankly gotten you out of some seriously bad situations.” Her friend rolled his eyes but she just waited.

“Okay, fine. He’s good at rescues, I’ll grant you that. But still. Rey, he’s dark and twisty. He told you that himself.“

“I know he’s got issues.” Rey thought back to their conversation the other morning. “I mean, I think he’s got some serious issues. But I’m not afraid of dark and twisty. I have my own dark and twisty.”

“My little Rey of sunshine?” Finn made a dismissive noise with with mouth. “That boy screams trouble. You should let him get some professional help and leave him be.”

Rey shook her head. “I don’t think that’s how things work, Finn. If you love someone you love them for who they are. Without his darkness, Ben wouldn’t be who he is.”

Finn looked at her like she was speaking in tongues. “That’s exactly my point.”

“I happen to like who he is.” Finn rolled his eyes and took another sip of his coffee causing Rey to glare at her friend. “You’re either with me, or not, Finn.”

“Fine. Whatever you want to do I’m here for you, Rey. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

******

“Ben?”

“In the kitchen,”

Rey threw her stuff on the floor and walked into the kitchen to find Ben doing dishes, ankle boot back on. She hopped up on the counter next to him and grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl, taking a bite while she watched him rinse a plate. 

“You put your boot back on.”

Ben wiped his hands on the towel before stepping in between her thighs and taking a large bite out of her apple, pulling a snort from her. As he chewed he stared at her intensely, almost like he was trying to memorize her face, causing a warmth to curl in her belly. When he spoke his voice came out as a rough whisper.

“How was the roommate?”

“Unsupportive.” 

“Do you remind that little traitor what I did for him?” 

Rey reached up and ran her finger down the scar on his face, causing a rush of air to come out of his mouth.

“He came around. Why is your ankle boot back on?”

Ben placed a quick kiss on her finger before stepping closer to her. 

“I went to physical therapy while you were gone and was informed I was being a stubborn ass.”

“Smart PT.”

“Mmmm.”

“Finn asked if I was coming home,” she said, wrapping her legs around his waist in an effort to keep him from retreating at her words.

Ben just continued to watch her, hands resting on her hips, and she grew increasingly self conscious. 

“So....” 

“Spit it out, Rey.” 

“You’re driving again, and I think it’s time for me to… You know.” She waved her hands around lamely. “Go home.”

Ben didn’t retreat but he looked away from her. 

“Yeah, okay.” He huffed out a breath and looked up at the ceiling. “Fuck.” When his gaze returned to hers, his eyes were glassy with unshed tears. “I’m sorry, Rey, it won’t happen again. I’m really fucking bad at this.”

Rey blinked, confused, before understanding dawned. He obviously still thought he’d hurt her or scared her, and that she was leaving because of it. 

“Hey.” Rey cupped his cheeks. “It’s not like I have a lot of experience with this either, you know. Lonely orphan and all that?”

“Right.” He moved closer and rested his forehead on hers. 

“You didn’t do anything that I didn’t want you to, Ben.” He shuddered as he released a sigh.

“Okay. So you’re coming back, right?”

“You want me to?”

“I’m a selfish man, Rey.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes.”

“I’m keeping my key.”

“You’d better,” he whispered against her lips. She returned his kiss enthusiastically, but he ended it sooner than she would have liked. 

“When are you leaving?”

Rey stared up at him. “Tomorrow.”

She watched his throat as he swallowed. “Okay.”

 

******

Two Days Later

Ben still had three weeks of his short term disability before he had to go back to the station, and with Rey out of his hair he made a concerted effort to get back into shape and work with his physical therapist so he could be ready for the job when he returned.

Her absence was both uncomfortable and a relief. He missed her, but his emotions were much more subdued without her constantly there to tempt him and put demands on him. Not that Rey had ever directly demanded anything, but his desire to be able to meet her as an equal was stressful since he was pretty sure that between the two of them he was carrying a lot more baggage. 

Not the least of which was that he still wasn’t entirely convinced sleeping with a nineteen year old wasn’t going to send him straight to hell.

He’d spoken with Poe about returning to work and had been told he would have to attend mandatory grief counseling because of Phasma’s death before he could be released back to duty. Which is how he ended up sitting in a conservatively decorated office, facing off with a professionally dressed woman by the name of Dr. Holdo.

“So, Mr. Solo, tell me why you’re here.”

“I was told I had to be here so I could go back to work.” The woman smiled at him and leaned on her elbows, threading her fingers together. 

“Did you want to talk about Katherine?” 

Ben crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in the chair. 

“I mean that’s the point, right? I’m supposed to tell you how I feel about the fact that she died and I didn’t?”

“Is that what you want to talk about?”

Ben knew the question was genuine. He thought for a moment and decided she deserved a genuine answer. “If I said no, could we talk about something else?”

Dr. Holdo nodded. “This time is yours, Mr. Solo, we can discuss whatever you’d like.”

He studied her face for a moment before coming to a decision. “You ever work with abuse survivors?”

She straightened, giving him an encouraging nod, and Ben began to talk.

 

******

Rey was exhausted. She’d had three classes that morning, her earliest had been at eight, and then she had worked a six hour shift at the market, closing it up for the night. It was after midnight, and she was tired, sweaty, and starving. But she pulled out her phone and dialed Ben’s number anyway.

He picked up after four rings. “Are you booty calling me, jailbait?” His voice was sleepy and Rey couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m exhausted and I’m closer to your house than mine.” She slammed the door to her car. “Can I crash with you?”

There was a beat. “Of course.”

Rey was surprised by the delay in his response and wondered if maybe she’d made a mistake in calling him. They hadn’t seen each other in a few days, but the last time they had everything had been fine.

“You don’t sound sure.”

“I am. I promise.” She heard him yawn. “I want to see you, Rey.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in ten.”

“Good.” He disconnected the call and she stared at the phone for a minute.

She drove in silence, wondering if she’d misunderstood how they’d separated. She’d spent one last night with him before moving back home, but they hadn’t had sex again. Ben had held her close while they slept, but when they woke up he’d kissed her on the cheek and quickly rolled out of bed. 

It had been a week since then, and they’d talked several times. He’d been going to his PT appointments and she’d been busy trying to come up with the rent money she owed Finn and getting back to her usual schedule at the market, keeping both of them busy and not allowing for a lot of time together. She hadn’t really spent a lot of time contemplating their relationship. But if someone had asked her, she would have told them he’d be elated to have her invite herself over at midnight. And she would have been lying if she’d said she didn’t think they were a couple. 

After his somewhat lukewarm response to her late night call, however, she wasn’t entirely sure what they were.

Rey opened the door to his condo with the key she’d kept and stepped quietly into the dark living room. She locked the door behind her and slipped off her shoes, dropping her purse on the floor. Then she made her way down the hall.

The bedroom was dark, and Rey tried to move silently in case Ben had fallen back asleep.

She had obviously failed, however, because the bed creaked as he rolled over. “Rey?”

She smiled as she crawled into bed with him. “Hi.

He reached out and grabbed her, bringing her close to him and wrapping his arms around her so she was half on top of him. 

“I’m glad you’re here.” 

She was facing him, snuggled up against his chest and tucked under his chin, so she couldn’t see his expression. Rey chewed her lip. 

“Are you?”

She sensed his surprise before he answered. “You don’t believe me?”

“I thought you’d be—" She paused. “I dunno. Happier to hear from me or, excited.” She felt her eyes burn a little, not realizing his tepid response to her phone call had affected her so much.

He pulled her tighter to him, though, which filled her with relief. 

“I am. I swear, Rey.” He paused and she heard him swallow nervously. “I have something I want to talk to you about, though, and I uh—” He took a breath. “I wasn’t expecting to do it so soon.”

“Okay.” 

He combed his fingers through her hair, scratching her scalp in a way that made her eyes flutter shut. 

“Can we just sleep? And talk in the morning?”

“Mmhmm”

He kissed her head. “Goodnight.”

******

She woke up to Ben thrashing in his sleep, mumbling something she couldn’t quite make out. Exhausted and not quite awake, she sat up and ran her hand over her face. The clock on his nightstand read 4:19. Ben mumbled something else and she lay back down, her body screaming for sleep.

“Get off me.” 

Rey’s eyes snapped open. She reached out to Ben and touched his shoulder. “Ben, wake up.”

A keening sound came from his mouth. “Please no. Please stop.”

Rey felt tears form in her eyes and sat up. 

“Ben! Wake. Up.” She grabbed both shoulders and shook. His eyes popped open and he scrambled away from her, falling off the bed in his haste. She crawled quickly to look over the edge of the bed. Ben was on his hands and knees, breathing deeply, head bent towards the floor. 

“Ben?”

“Don’t touch me!” The hand she had reached toward him paused mid air. “Just...I need a minute.”

“Okay.” She sat on the bed and looked down at him. He was panting and his hands were making fists on the carpet.

“I didn’t want to do this like this.” His voice came out in a sob.

Rey felt a tear slide down her cheek. “Do what?”

He took a deep breath. “Talk to you.”

“About what?”

It was several breaths before he answered and Rey watched him make an effort to calm himself. 

“I went to therapy.”

Rey blinked, surprised. “You did?”

He was still kneeling but his fists had unclenched. 

“Had to.” Another shuddering breath wracked his chest. She could see it. “For work.”

“Why?” A few more seconds passed before he pushed himself up on his knees and looked at her.

She reached out to move the hair off his face, then remembered his request not to be touched and pulled back. 

He grabbed her wrist. “It’s okay. I’m okay now.”

Rey slid off the bed and fell on her knees in front of him. She reached up and moved the lock of hair aside, then ran her finger over his ear. His eyelids fluttered shut and he leaned into her hand.

“I’m so sorry, Rey.”

“Stop apologizing.” She cupped his cheek. “Are you okay?”

“Nightmare.” 

She frowned. “Don’t apologize for a nightmare.”

He opened his eyes and smiled softly. “I woke you up.”

“Pfft.”

“Can we get off the floor?”

She pushed herself back up onto the mattress, sliding over to give him room. Ben stood and crawled into bed. He lay on his back and put his hands on his abdomen and Rey waited. It didn’t take long.

“I had to go see the therapist for mandatory grief counseling in order to be released back to work.” He looked at her, his profile in silhouette from the street light coming through the window. “I asked her if we could talk about something else.”

“And did you?”

He nodded. “She thinks I should see her regularly.”

“What do you think?”

He looked back up at the ceiling. “I think that I’d really like to keep you this time.” 

Rey liked how that sounded, knowing his possessiveness probably shouldn’t appeal to her as much as it did. But hadn’t she started it, telling him he was her people? 

“And in order to do that I need to be a better man.” He continued, pulling herself from her thoughts.

Rey’s breath hitched. “Ben—”

“I’m pretty sure I love you.” He rolled over on his side to look at her again and reached out to run a finger over her lips. “But I’m pretty fucked up and I don’t know how to do that. Love you, I mean.” Rey felt another tear slide down her cheek. “But I want to learn and I think this will help.”

Rey just nodded, too overwhelmed with emotion to talk. 

“But it also means no sex for a while. I need to, um, talk about what happened to me. Dr. Holdo thinks it would be better if we took things slow.”

“Okay.” She searched his face. “Can I still spend the night?”

“As often as you want.” He moved closer to her and pressed his forehead to hers. “I’d have you here with me all the time if I could.”

“I’d fail my classes.”

He huffed out a laugh and put his arm around her, dragging her up against him. They held each other in silence for a few minutes before he spoke again.

“It’s a lot.”

Rey shook her head. “Not if I love you too.” She whispered her confession against his chest, not sure if he’d heard her.


	14. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so....
> 
> This chapter deals with Ben’s story. TW for non-graphic descriptions of child sexual abuse, forced drug use, and violence.

Three months later

 

Rey was setting the table when she heard the door open followed by the sounds of Ben dropping his stuff. She set up the last fork and then rushed into the living room and threw herself into his arms. It was a ritual they’d developed and she liked being able to take him by surprise. He always caught her, of course, even if he stumbled a bit with the force of her affection, like he did now. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck and gave him an enthusiastic kiss before pulling back and eyeing him with suspicion and wrinkling her nose at him.

“You smell like smoke.”

“Fire fighter. Part of the job, sweetheart.” He kissed her nose and untangled himself from her grip. “Let me shower. I didn’t want to be late.”

Rey hadn’t technically moved in, but she pretty much lived at Ben’s place. She still went through the ritual of paying Finn her part of the rent every month, but she spent five nights out of seven at Ben’s condo, including some nights when he was on call at the station. She’d take the alone time to study and decompress. Ben had returned to work after his PT was complete and had resumed a full time schedule, and she was still taking a full course load and working her job at the market. If they didn’t at least pretend to cohabitate, they’d probably never see each other. 

It had been nice these past few months. Sweet and comfortable. Rey tried really hard not to be sad that they weren’t having sex because she knew Ben had put that part of their relationship on hold for a reason. But she couldn’t help but think some days that maybe he didn’t want her quite as much as she wanted him, and that made her sad.

Tonight, however, he had asked her to stay with him, which he rarely did. And had told her he wanted to talk to her about “things.” 

Whatever that meant. 

Rey was determined to think positively and so she’d made some food and was bringing it out to the table when Ben came from the direction of the bedroom, hair still wet and wearing a pair of jeans and a worn t-shirt.

“You cooked?” He sounded surprised. 

“I can cook, Solo. I don’t rely entirely on take out and snacks.” It was a few moments before she realized his silence was unusual, so she turned to look at him. He was staring at her, an odd expression on his face. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. But can we talk before we eat? I don’t—“ His eyes shifted to his feet. “I don’t think I can enjoy dinner when I’m this nervous.”

Something about the way he confessed, so casually, to being nervous made her nervous. 

“Sure.”

Ben held his hand out and pulled her towards the couch, where he sat and tugged her down beside him. 

“So I need to ask you two things, okay?”

Rey swallowed. “Of course.”

He ran his hand through his hair and gave her an intense look. “First, please let me finish before you say anything.” 

She nodded. 

“Second…” he paused. “Please don’t...touch me until I’m done.”

Rey had a sense of foreboding, but she nodded again. Ben looked at her for a few more minutes, the silence stretching between them, before he turned to look at the black screen of the television. 

And then he told her everything.

He told her how when he was ten his mother asked the older neighbor to babysit. About how six months later Mr. Snoke had touched him and he’d run crying from the house to the relative safety of his own, only to find his mother was too busy to do more than tell him to stop crying and talk to his father because she had to get to work. About how his father was running an illegal poker game in the garage and had told him to stop crying and watch a movie. Neither had time for him, and neither asked what had happened later. The entire incident was forgotten, at least by them.

He told her how two weeks later his mother had sent him back to Mr. Snoke, and the old man had told him that she knew what he’d done and had sent him back anyway.

He told her how it had gone on for years, until he was fifteen and as tall as he was now and gangly, but strong, and Mr. Snoke had started to drug him by slipping liquid morphine in his drink. About how it made him feel like he was dead and watching things happen to his body from outside of his body. About how once Snoke had given him too much and he’d almost OD’d and his father had spent two hours lecturing him on drugs and heroine and needles before sending him to a thirty day rehab stint at some facility run by his uncle.

How he’d sat in there and seethed the whole time because he hadn’t done it to himself and no one seemed to care.

About how he’d beaten the crap out of the old man next door when he was seventeen and gotten arrested. And it was only then that his mother had confessed to having suspected the whole time. 

About how she hired a lawyer and got the charges dropped and had gotten Snoke thrown in jail, even though it was too little too late to salvage anything resembling a relationship with her, especially after she dropped _that_ bomb.

And then he told her how he’d left home as soon as he could. How he’d developed his coping mechanisms of alcohol and faceless sex in bathrooms, and why he had been horrified when he realized he was attracted to her and she was only seventeen and how that had made him feel like he was doing to her what had been done to him.

And Rey sat on the couch and listened to all of it pour out of him and didn’t touch him even though the only thing she wanted to do was pull him into her arms. 

She felt the tears run down her cheeks as he sat before her laying out his entire soul, nervously eyeing her every few sentences to see if she was horrified yet. She couldn’t smile reassuringly, she couldn’t make herself, not with what he was saying, but she tried to convey her affection for him in her gaze, unable to tell him yet because he had also asked her not to talk. 

So instead she sat fuming and crying and desperate for him to finish because not only was the story he was telling her so horrible she wasn’t sure she could stand any more, but she also hated that she couldn’t do anything until he was done. And even though it was selfish of her to be thinking that way, she was impatient to comfort him and make sure he knew that everything he said just made her love him more.

He took one final deep breath and then looked at her. “I’m done. That’s all.”

 

******

Ben had been anxious the entire day, worried that his plans for the evening were going to bring an end to his time with Rey in as dramatic a way as possible. But he’d been working up to this moment for months, and he’d spoken with Holdo about it at their session this week. She’d encouraged him to share as much as he felt he could, but Ben didn’t want anything else standing between them, so he’d decided to share it all.

He looked at Rey, her eyes red rimmed and her expression controlled. She hadn’t said a word, or touched him, just like he’d asked. And now that he had exposed his very tender underbelly to the one person who had the power to utterly crush him, he didn’t know how to proceed.

He watched her swallow and wipe her eyes on the sleeve of her shirt. 

“I’m done. That’s all.”

“Can I touch you?”

He nodded, and she immediately crawled into his lap, facing him, her knees braced on the couch beside his hips. She cupped his face and looked him right in the eye. 

“I love you Ben Solo.”

He reached up to her and brushed her hair behind her ear, her soft declaration settling him enough so that he no longer felt like vomiting. 

“I love you too.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Do you still want to?”

She leaned in and their lips met in a gentle kiss. Ben closed his eyes with a sigh as she ran her hands through his hair. When she leaned back, he gazed up at her. She continued to stroke his hair and he felt himself melting into the couch.

“Always.” She looked at him. “Thank you for telling me. For trusting me.” Rey ran her fingers over his lips. “You know, you’re the only one that knows about what happened with Plutt. About how bad it got at the end.”

Ben blinked, surprised by that. “Really?”

“I never felt like I needed to tell anyone else.” She looked down at him. “You know all my secrets, Ben.”

“And now you know mine.” She nodded and he cleared his throat. “Rey?”

“Yes?”

“I’d really like to take you to bed.”

The fingers in his hair stopped moving. “Like ‘bed’ bed?”

“If you still want—” 

She cut him off with a hard kiss, grinding into his lap and clinging almost painfully to his hair.

He wrapped his arms around her and returned her kiss enthusiastically, elated that she still wanted him and he hadn’t disgusted her by telling her about Snoke. He felt oddly light, and raw, and free in a way he didn’t remember ever feeling. And Rey, his beautiful, annoying Rey, was kissing him like her life depended on it.

He snaked a hand up her back and grabbed her buns, tugging her hair enough to pull her head back, exposing her neck. He took advantage and licked a strip across her throat, nibbling along the strong muscles of her neck.

“Fuck, Ben, I don’t think I can wait until we’re in bed.”

“Okay.” With his free hand he palmed her thigh while he pushed up the skirt she was wearing, pulling goosebumps from her skin with his touch. “You’re skin is so fucking soft. I can’t believe you let me touch you.”

“Hey.” She tugged on his hair and he frowned up at her. “Stop it.”

His hand on her thigh froze and he swallowed. “Stop what?” 

Her eyes searched his. 

“Acting like you don’t deserve me.” She grabbed the hand on her thigh and guided him to her warm center. Her panties were damp and he couldn’t resist running his thumb over her slit, pulling a gasp out of her. 

“I only get this wet for you. I crave you, Ben Solo. Do you have any fucking idea how hard it was to sleep in the same bed as you and kiss you and be in your space and not have this?” She rocked into his hand and leaned into him until her lips brushed his. “Ben, you’re my person. You always have been, and you always will be.” 

He captured her lips in a kiss as she rolled her hips into his hand. Suddenly impatient to feel her, he responded by sliding his fingers under the edge of her panties and used his thumb to press on her clit while slipped two fingers inside her. Releasing her mouth, he whispered against her lips. 

“Then what are you waiting for? Ride my hand.”

She smiled slyly before she closed her eyes and let her head fall backwards while he watched her fuck herself on his fingers. Short little thrusts that she couldn’t seem to control. He played lazily with her clit and watched the different expressions on her face, wanting to memorize each one. It wasn’t long before she started making little mewling sounds and Ben lowered his mouth to her breast, mouthing it through her shirt and bra underneath. Unsatisfied with the lack of skin on skin contact, he used the hand that wasn’t currently knuckle deep in Rey to slip her shirt up over her tits and pull her bra down, exposing her nipples enough so that he could take one into his mouth.

Rey moaned and started riding his fingers more aggressively as he suckled at her breast. He curled his fingers inside her, pressing against her inner walls and she cried out. Lifting his head from her nipple, now puffy and red from the attention of his mouth, he said her name. 

Her eyes opened and she looked at him.

“Undo my jeans.”

She moved quickly, breaking her rhythm on his fingers, and began working on the fly of his blue jeans. He took over with his hand, pumping his fingers into her tight sheath, and watched her gasp and falter in her task as he changed angles. When his fly was undone he lifted his hips, an unspoken signal she understood, and watched her pull his blue jeans and boxers off allowing his now painfully erect penis to be liberated.

He slid his fingers from her as she raised herself slightly to hover over him. He pushed her panties to the side and held himself steady with his other hand so he was lined up with her entrance. She braced herself on his shoulders, her eyes never leaving his, as she slid slowly down his cock until he was fully sheathed inside her. His hands anchored her hips, keeping her still and pulling a question from her eyes.

“At some point, I want to take time and make love to you, but can we not do that right now?” 

She chuckled softly. 

“Please fuck me, Ben.”

“With pleasure.” Pressing his lips to hers in a rough kiss he anchored her hips with his hands and thrust into her, pulling a mewling sound from her that he swallowed as he explored her mouth with his tongue. Her grip on his hair tightened and he growled into her mouth in return.

He’d been fantasizing about this moment for months and the feeling of her surrounding him was like the sweetest death he could imagine. He used his hold on her to pull her down as he thrust upward and all he could think was closer. To that end, he wrapped his arms around her waist and stood, causing her to yelp in surprise, then lay her down on the couch without disconnecting.

Running his hands down her torso, he grabbed her thighs and pushed her legs up into her chest, dragging moans from both of them at the increased depth the new position allowed. Her wrists locked behind his neck, pulling him closer to her, and she grabbed his bottom lip in her teeth, causing him to hiss as he pumped into her. He watched her eyes roll back into her head as he thrust particularly deep, and repeated it until she released her hold on his mouth and arched up into him. Her inner walls gripped him, nearly sending him over the edge, as she moaned his name.

“I’m so close, Ben.”

Releasing one of her thighs, he reached down between their joined bodies and thumbed her clit, causing her to jerk. He slammed into her again and watched her fly apart underneath him, a silent scream escaping her mouth, her hands pulling him closer as her entire body clenched. The pulsing of her inner walls was enough for him to find his release as well, and he jerked into her one last time before collapsing onto her warmth.

Her tiny frame continued to twitch underneath him as she ran her fingers through his hair. He lifted his head to look down at her, a completely blissful expression on her face. It reflected what he felt as he looked at her. 

Pure joy.

This was what he wanted, what he’d been hoping to find all those years with the alcohol and the women. He’d been going about it all wrong, but somehow he’d still managed to find her and make himself a home. He kissed her softly and held her gaze.

“Move in with me.”

She smiled up at him. “I already did.”

“I meant officially.”

“Okay, I officially live here.”

Ben smiled as he traced the planes of her face with a finger. “You always this easy, sweetheart?”

Her smile turned into a smirk. “Only for you, asshole.”

He slapped her ass then kissed her slowly. “Cut the sass.”

Rey laughed and his heart jumped in response. “Make me.”


End file.
